Situational Retarded Ejaculation

First thing to do is read as many of the posts here as you can. This thread is by far the most complete source of info on RE on the internet and probably anywhere.

I'd start on this page and work backwards. The trick is to discover what is causing his RE. There are posts here that explain in detail all the causes of RE. Here it is in a condensed version:

RE is mainly a psychological problem caused by anxiety which in turn causes low levels of arousal. Both the anxiety and the low levels of arousal may not be recognized by the guy. He may not feel conciously anxious and may very well feel fully aroused so don't depend on him to be able to explain what's going on. In fact many guys blame the partner because they just don't understand why it is happening.

There are some non psychological causes too- some drugs such as SSRI anti depressants, blood pressure medications, illegal drugs and alchohol can retard ejaculation. Usually the problem stops when the medication or drug use is stopped. They are some combination therapies for those who have to take medications and these usually involve taking the drug Wellbutrin with the other, RE causing drugs. Wellbutrin in many cases cancels out the RE effects of some drugs.

Porn and RE can be connected but porn can also help cure RE.
In the first case, chronic porn users/masturbators get conditioned to only being able to get aroused enough to ejaculate this one way. On the other hand in cases of RE caused by performance anxiety, porn can help distract the man and take his mind off the performance aspects of intercourse. Porn running on a TV in the bedroom has proved very effective in helping some men with RE ejaculate inside the vagina.

Lack of attraction to the partner is common mostly in long term relationships where the physical aspects of the partner's sexual desirability are no longer apparent to the RE sufferer. The visual aspect of sex being the primary arousal focus of men. Again, levels of arousal never reach the orgasmic threshold.

Sex therapy can help but its benefits in cases of severe RE are questionable. A better approach is therapy to get to the root of the man's anxiety whether it be just sexual or a more generalized anxiety disorder.

Beware the false info out there about RE. Causes like the man being circumsized, strict religious upbringing, a subconcious hatred of women or the purposeful holding back of orgasm to punish the partner is mostly outdated gibberish from the 1960's.

If you can't find the info you are looking for on this site try this one:

http://www.fertilitext.org/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000029.html

Thanks very much for your advice.

I would just like to add some further points, I am 19 years old and
I will stop masterbating from now on however hard it may be but I believe that isnt the only problem I have. I am a very nervous and shy person and get very nervous when in bed with another woman, so much so that I shake and even when i tried to masterbate in front of a girl I just couldnt and that is something that I am usually very good at when on my own!!

I plan to see a sex counciler in the near future. Whether they will be able to help or not I dont know.

This situation is really getting me down.

Rambams: If the anxiety you feel is also present in other areas of your life. If you feel nervous in crowds, social situations, or have panic attacks, then you might consider asking your doctor for a prescription for the anti anxiety drig BUSPAR. It has few side effects and no sexual side effects and it is non addictive. It will help by normalizing the imbalance of certain brain chemicals that are causing the anxiety.

If your penis feels numb during intercourse (a common psychological side effect of RE) you might also consider taking Viagra which, even if you don't have problems with your erection, can make the penis feel more sensitive.

If you are only suffering from sexual performance anxiety then Buspar can still help but first you should try other methods to relax during sex. Sometimes sexual anxiety can be caused by low self esteem and a belief that it is your job to "perform" for your partner and make sure she is sexually pleasured at the expense of your own orgasm. This is rooted in the concious or subconcious belief that some men with low self esteem have that the partner will reject them unless he works doubly hard to make sure she is happy. This causes stress and anxiety which in turn shuts down your orgasmic (and sometimes erectile) ability.

The thing to remember is when it comes to your own orgasm, you have to be somewhat selfish. You must concentrate less on how she is feeling and more on your own pleasure. In guys with RE is is easier said than done, but one thing that you should keep in mind is that if she didn't like you she wouldn't be there.

Another thing to do is not worry whether or not you ejaculate inside her. If it happens, it happens. You have to be creative and also, in severe RE cases, accept the fact that you have this problem and try to work around it. RE only effects under 10% of men although this number is increasing rapidly due to internet porn. However almost 40% of all women have difficulty having an orgasm during intercourse and many women understand what this is like.

If you cannot ejaculate at all with a partner and only through masturbation when you are by yourself, then you might consdier getting some therapy to try and discover the basis of your sexual anxiety.

Thank you very much for your help, it's very useful, I will look into it.

Well, things have been so much better lately.........
i was just starting to feel more sexy again, wanted, desirable etc etc. (Yes nan, that naughty girl was almost back!)
Now this is not actions - its words! Can someone make me understand why the following happens???????
He knew i was feeling a bit low, and a bit undesirable, because of his problems - so he makes me feel special again, and im raring to go.
I tell him about some friends talking about me, and they had been very complimentary, saying i was attractive, and had a good figure. I told him this had made me feel good.
Now after all his recent making me feel better about myself, cos he had put me down a bit, and then with the problems as posted earlier - he turns around and says' well they dont see you when you take your clothes off'!
OH MY GOD! Well that certainly turned me off. FOREVER.
Suddenly im finding im walking around covering up with a towel, a jumper, anything i can get my hands on -ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!
Oh ha ha ha its so funny.
And a week ago he was moaning that he doesnt get as much anymore - can someone hit this guy over the head?
Now i know thats what i will get if i even bother (which these days i cant) to mention that once again hes made me feel like a bloody huge frump, let alone a sex goddess. He will say, that once again, its a joke! -Can you men tell me, is that something that you find mildly amusing? Even though he could do with losing quite a few pounds, i would never, ever, say something like that.
Is this a woman thing?
Im really getting to the point where i cant be bothered anymore. One week im attractive, the next i could do with losing a few pounds, bigger tits or whatever.
Is that love? Unconditional? Dont think so anymore.
Well bedtime, thats me with my book! Why the hell would i want to do anything else if i look so damn bad with my clothes off!

hI Sheguest,

You're last post sounded like you are a bit off topic for this discussion thread so I went back to check your original post and I suspect that maybe you think your guy's RE might be related to the way you look?

The thing is you also say that he doesn't have RE all the time. These two things don't add up. He is either attracted to you physically or not. Doesn't make sense that he would be attracted sometimes and not others.....unless his RE is being caused by his anxiety over the interpersonal aspects of your relationship. In other words, when you two are getting along he can ejaculate, when there are problems he can't.

If this is the case then his is a very mild form of RE and is easily fixed by fixing the relationship. Unfortunately, this is not really a relationship forum of the type that can really help in this type of RE. Most here are suffering very severe forms of RE caused by anxiety rooted in low self esteem or caused by emotonal, sexual or physical abuse in childhood, internet pornography and masturbation addiction and yes, some here are suffering RE because they are not longer attracted to their spouses but this is a cause of constant, not once in awhile, retarded ejaculation.

Here's a good forum where you might find some advice of help with your relationship:

http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm2

If you have any technical questions about RE this forum here is the right place. But for day to day relationship problems the above link will most likely be more helpful to you.

Hello all, I'd like to make a couple of comments about my own experience with RE and maybe some of the men here will see some similarities to their own situation.

"LAX" wrote above:

"RE is mainly a psychological problem caused by anxiety which in turn causes low levels of arousal. Both the anxiety and the low levels of arousal may not be recognized by the guy. He may not feel conciously anxious and may very well feel fully aroused so don't depend on him to be able to explain what's going on. In fact many guys blame the partner because they just don't understand why it is happening."

I agree this is what happened to me when I first started getting RE 20 years ago when I was a teenager. I would pursue a woman and that would be exciting enough but when I did finally get her into bed I thought I was really about as turned on as you could get. But after starting intercourse I found that my penis would start to lose feeling. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what was going on and would start to have all sorts of strange thoughts. No matter how good looking she was I would start to find faults. I would start to notice tiny inperfections in her body or would start to feel turned off by her lovemaking technigue. This would last about 5-10 mins and then I would start to really worry that I couldn't feel anything and get stressed out. I know some guys with RE can still keep thrusting at this point and some can go on and on. But in my case as soon as all these thoughts would start I would lose my erection.

I would start sex fully horny and really ready to go but it would end up a disaster with me not able to cum and no erection. It didn't happen the first time with every woman. Sometimes, if I'd had a few drinks I would be able to ejaculate. But the next time with the same woman, especially if I was sober, it would happen.

This went one for many years and I always thought it was the woman's fault. I would always find something wrong with her that I believed was turning me off.

Of course now that I know about RE and the psychological causes I am kicking myself for being so wrong about so many really nice, beautiful women who I just dumped because I believed they didn't turn me on enough in bed. I figured I was just picky when it came to sex partners.

I wish there had been information available back then about RE. I realize now that it was stress and anxiety that was causing the problem. I grew up in a home with a violent alcoholic father and I remember being afraid alot as a child. He would beat us kids and my mother and couldn't hold a job. We were always in one crisis after another when it came to money. All my life I have been an anxious person, have suffered low self esteem and have had bouts of mild depression.

It wasn't until I finally went into therapy after my marriage started to fall apart (partly due to lack of sex because of my RE problems) that I began to discover what was going on. But it was mostly my own research and finding websites like this one that really helped.
The therapy I got was good for the anxiety and childhood issues but the therapist was unable to treat my RE. He had never even heard of it before.

I ended up fixing it myself with info I learned about here and elsewhere on the internet. My wife and I now have regular sex and I almost always ejaculate. I have to do certain things that I found out about here. I have to take Viagra to help my penis feel more sensitive and hold my erection in cases my mind starts wandering and I begin to feel a bit stressed. I can ejaculate inside my wife if we have an erotic video going while we have sex. If the video isn't playing I can only cum when she gives me a handjob. I have also taught myself to relax more and not to feel stressed. I am also taking an anti anxiety drug which has helped more than I can say.

Because I had such a rotten sex life for so many years I got heavily into masturbation and still prefer it to sex with my wife. I always ejaculate that way and it is stress free relief. But I really wanted to keep my marriage together so I make sure I have "appointment sex" with my wife so I know when we are going to have sex so I can refrain from masturbating at least two days before. Otherwise it makes ejaculating much harder.

Hope this will help somebody else in dealing with their RE. I'll say one thing. RE is a horrible problem I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And it is different for men. Many women have orgasm problems but they can still carry one with sex. For men not being able to cum is a whhole different thing. It turned me off sex with women completely for years.

I hope the young guys out there with RE read this. Don't blame your partner. Do everything you can to fight your RE. Drugs, erotic videos, therapy-- you have to do whatever it takes otherwise you end up suffering with it for years because it will not go away by itself.

Thanks to everyone who has posted here over the years. You really helped me sdeal with my RE.

I have some fantastic news to report. After three months of trying everything we can think of, out of the blue, my partner and I had some success about two weeks ago! He was actually inside me at the time, too. I almost didn't realize it had happened at first. If you'll pardon the pun, it was a little anticlimactic. Not in a disappointing way, though. It just felt so normal, and reassuring, for both of us.

Since the first time he was able to ejaculate during sex, we've had about a 50% success rate. (There are basically only two positions that work for him - he has to be able to go very deep and very fast - looks like I'M going to have to start working out so I can hold certain positions longer!) With oral sex he still has to combine some manual stimulation, but that's working too.

For my boyfriend, it was all about anxiety on a LOT of levels - he was anxious about his appearance, anxious about pleasing me, anxious about overthinking it...and over time all of these factors have been alleviated to varying degrees. He works out regularly and is losing weight, which contributes to his self-confidence about his body. Also, he's sure of me, and of how I feel about him. He knows that it's not going to disappoint me if he can't finish. He knows I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm not going to leave him over this problem. We're both relaxing because we know we're going to have a good time no matter how we have to finish the job, and at this stage of the game, that's what it's about!

I imagine we're not entirely out of the woods, but I hope this is encouraging to those of you in similar situations.

Has anyone had any success in treating severe anxiety induced Retarded Ejaculation using Sexual Surrogates?

I read this treatment has something like an 85-90% success rate even if the only way you can get an orgasm is when masturbating alone.

Thank you.

Jim-

There is a very high success rate treating RE with Sexual Surrogates. Pioneer RE researcher DR. Bernard Apfelbaum used Surrogates in his treatment of RE. During intercourse he asked the RE patient to describe exactly how he felt and men were encouraged to tell the Surrogate the truth even saying things that might be hurtful like there was something physically they didn't like about her or that she wasn't doing something right sexually. Anything they felt might be causing them not to get aroused enough to ejaculate. The Surrogate was trained to expect this and not to react negatively.

Apfelbaum believed RE men tended to try too hard to please the partner and were riddled with performance anxiety. Being able to "complain" to the sexual partner during intercourse had a striking effect of the patient's anxiety induced low levels of arousal. Of course this is something the men would never do with a partner they were romatically linked to at the risk of hurt feelings and abandonment by the partner. But in being able to express feelings of low arousal with the Surrogate Partner had the effect of actually heightening arousal. Men reported a sudden state of high arousal and the feeling of numbness in the penis suddenly dissapearing.

The whole experience gave patients with RE more confidence with there wives/girlfriends.

Thr problem with Sexual Surrogates are twofold- access and price.
They are common in England but in the U.S. the service is only available in California, New York and Chicago. The prices start at about $5000.00 and up. The service must also be part of Sex Therapy so the Surrogate is teamed with a licensed Sex Therapist who monitors the progress of the treatment through written and verbal reports from both Surrogate and patient.

Some studies state that the success rate with Surrogate therapy is higher than any other form of Sex Therapy when treating Retarded Ejaculation.

Here are some links:

http://www.icasa.co.uk/

http://www.gosecs.com/surrogates.htm

http://surrogatetherapy.org/Resources.html

A complete description of DR. Apfelbaum's RE therapy can be found in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157230 ... s&v=glance