Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Hi - This topic has been so helpful.
Firstly i want to say that im not sure if my b/f has RE, but can associate with posters on here.
my b/f and i have had many problems, and when we first got together, ( the first year) i thought the one good thing was sex. We have been together 3 years. I have approached this subject before with my b/f but he is very sensitive about it, but has been honest more recently and says that he doesnt get much from vaginal sex.
He has anxieties with sex due to his size (which i feel is average).
He doesnt suffer with RE all the time, and we discussed his inability to not always be able to come vaginally quite a while ago, and i told him it wasnt a problem, which seemed to help take the pressure off him. Since then the problem hasnt improved or worsened. He had been put down sexually in the past by his previous partners, and had always suffered from premature ejaculation.
Is it possible for someone who has suffered many years of prem ejaculation, to now suffer RE??
At times he can go for ages, and stays semi erect but doesnt come or eventually loses his erection, or more recently, fakes orgasm. Like another poster, he needs alot of pressure and speed to ejaculate.
Like in Marys post, im concerned that it could be more about whether he is attracted to me physically. We are both in our early 40's, and i feel ive kept myself reasonable fit for my age. But he is very shallow and looks are important to him, and he has made a few discouraging remarks in the past which have hurt my self esteem. This coupled with the fact that he masturbates nearly every night - he waits for me to go to sleep and occasionally i stir or wake and he goes to another room and doesnt think ive noticed or woken(we often use this in our sex life, so im a bit perplexed at his need for secretiveness about it) along with the fact that although i understand he has obvious anxieties about sex from his past, he surely must have been highly excited to have suffered from premature ejaculation, but in our time together, its always been about him pleasing me more than himself, and although he does at times get highly excited its not often. Recently on occasions he fakes orgasm. I am now starting to lose my sex drive, because i feel im unattractive. I have told him how his past comments have made me feel, but he always apologises and tells me im beautiful, but then, like recently, told me i need to lose a few pounds. I have even started to fantasise about him having sex with other women, and get turned on by the thought of him being highly excited which i dont often feel he is with me, and deep down i think that this is because i dont feel i turn him on. so picturing us together is a turn off for me. He does reassure me that i do turn him on, but its no longer helping me, and im feeling he is just saying that because his sex life was at times much worse in the past. Were at a point where we have done the discussing, but nothing is changing and im starting to feel really bad. Sometimes the sex is good and i know from reading these posts i should be grateful for that. But he has to have a high stimulus, with me acting like a mega slut, and he is not keen on porn so that is not an option. Im even doing kegels to see if they help. I dont know how to approach him with this, (I think he feels weve done the discussing and that i dont know he fakes or masturbates as much as he does) as he feels that as he can and often does make me cum with foreplay, he is happy with the way things are and he feels his sex life is good. I feel that all these insecurities are really starting to affect things for me, i also felt that if we didnt have sex so much, (as he was wanting it everyday but i found it was quantity not quality and I started to feel under pressure to come, to make him feel good about himself) perhaps he would be more excited, which did seem to help for a while, but now he has started masturbating more and i think its affecting things again.
I really want to either become comfortable with this situation, and not feel so insecure as to my looks and sex appeal, or try to solve it, as we have discussed it quite openly in the past, and i know that mega sex every time isnt the be all in a relationship, and i really dont know what more we can do as a couple. But i do fear that over time i will want sex less and less due to how i feel. Any advice appreciated.

Hi she,

Whatever you do, just don't blame yourself. Its not YOUR fault. I thought that for a long time, and I have come to terms with that. Unfortuanatley, I still don't know what I am going to do. I just deal with it day to day. my H says he is bored. We have been married 25 years. You have only been in yours 3 years. I wish I knew what to tell you. I can only give you support and would be happy to.

I know it makes you feel unattractive....been there. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

My H has faked oragsms too......I never thought that could happen. I have tried everything I can think of, and even just try to go with the flow and see what happens. We wee like rabbits and then it was like a light switch was turned off and it hasn't been the same since. Until they want to get help or acknowledge the problem, it can't be fixed.

Good luck....I'm in here lurking alot if you want to chat

Nan

Hi Nan,
Thanks so much for your support. Its a strange situation, as i know my guy feels his sex life now is more open that its ever been. We can talk about these things, but i just can evaporate his feelings that our sex life is good, because he makes me feel good. Its, im sure the only thing that is keeping him going. I have tried telling him in the past how his comments make me feel, he totally understands. Unfortunately, i do believe that like an earlier poster puts, he needs a high visual and sexual stimulation to get him excited. Now there is nothing wrong with that, and i do realise that at 40, i looked a lot better in my twenties! But as a 40 yr old, i have no stretch marks, am a uk size 12 and have battled with being overweight in the past due to childbirth (3 kids) so im pretty proud of myself that it could be alot worse if i hadnt of bothered!
The problem is that my ex for all his faults, always made me feel like i was an incredibly sexy woman - he never had any problems so this is the first time in my 40 years ive come across sexual problems. I have found that my feelings about myself and my body have changed. I always felt that i was growing old quite gracefully, but my b/f unfortunately we had a bad first year together, where he slept with his ex several times, also had a god complex, so told me exactly what was better about his ex and better about me. Which he now recinds, but hell how do you forget something like that, (esp with the premature ejaculations, which i cant even imagine because of the way he is with me!) even if someone was going thro a bad time! He also likes large breasts, well im average in build, its not something ive ever thought about before, but im now seriously considering a breast enlargement - anything to make him more excited - because he told me that he liked my breasts but would love them to be bigger -Agghhh!
I just crave the feeling that i am sexually really attractive to the point that my b/f never has a problem, or doesnt have to go off in the middle of the night to masturbate as he doesnt get what he should from sex. I guess for so many years, my ex got pretty much all he needed, and i feel its my fault and that im lacking. What ive also found is that, due to my lack of confidence with regard to my body, i cant be as forthcoming sexually or seductively as i was before. It feels like a vicious circle, i feel inadequate so cant therefore be the naughty girl he needs me to be to get off, he doesnt get off so i feel even worse!
How do we get out of this?????????

Hi she,

How do we get out of this? I would LOVE to know! You sound like me some. Well I'm 43, but I guess you know that if you read my initial post. I know what you mean about you wanting to make him feel as good as he makes you feel. Is that what you meant on the evaporating the feelings? My H thinks that he can orally satify me and thats its ok that he doesn't get off. It drives me insane.

I have tried to explain to him that its part of sex love making, whatever you want to call it, for me when he gets off. I guess that makes no difference to him.....he doesn't seem to care. I used to be able to give him head or jack him off, or we would masterbate together, thats doesn't even work anymore.

We are just in that long term phase in marriage that boredom pokes his head out.

As far as visual aids, I know I don't look like I did at 18 (when we got married), but I also know I don't look my age either. Alot of people can't believe I am a grandmother. Also they say that porn can help. We have dealve into porn through different stages in our marriage, and I have absolutlely no problem with it. I enjoy it myself from time to time. But that isn't helping either. As far as breast implants go. Well don't do it for him....do it for YOU! If thats what you want. I did it for my 40th b-day present to myself. My H didn't care if I did it or not...nor does he complain either....but you should do it for you. I was pretty average. Between a B & C....now a D. Mind you they look bery natural....I wasn't after the porno look.

I have begged my H to tell me what he wants from me that I am not giving him. He says I give him everything he wants....I am just not enough anymore.....that sucks. I said that I didn't know what else to do anymore....what does he expect me to do.....shove a bottle up my ass and cluck like a chicken...he laughed....I didn't. I said I am serious...he knows. He will not seek any kind of help....obviously, I am on here.

You know... i have a hard time being forthcoming too.....he told me that I didn't initiate sex enough....I said well if you knew what was going to happen ...would you? I used to be more aggressive thann I am now. I do get into moods where I still can be...he is still the same. I have gotten toys, sex swing...I have ran out of ideas. The one thing he wanted that he did not get was a 3some. Well, ever since then he has been screwed up in the head. I may get flack for saying that....but so be it. Thats my feelings. They say the brain is the largest sex organ you have..I agree.

She, try to be who you want to be. If you want to be that naughty girl....be her. But I know when you put all that effort in it and feel like you get nothing in return, the rejection you feel. I know its hard, believe me I know. And I hate that you are going through this too. I have hoped to find someone to talk to that is going through similiar things...we just may have to vent through each other and see what happens. Good Luck to us both....Nan

Anon wrote:below is a link to one of the better websites dealing with RE. It talks a bit about the arousal problem but doesn't follow up. Instead it regurgitates the old M&J saw about masturbating in front of your partner. This of course is ridiculous if the low arousal is being caused by lack of attraction to the partner. The poor guy would end up pumping away at his penis for an hour, probably tearing the penile skin in the process and in the end he would have the same problem as with vaginal intercourse- no ejaculation.

For RE caused by performance anxiety this site might be of some help.

http://www.sexnews.org/features/Feature ... icle_id=48

Guest,

Thanx for the website...got some good info. But, its still good to have someone to talk to when your partner won't seek any help.

Thanx again,
Nan

Hi Nan
Well i feel a bit of a fool I can tell you.
My bf and i had a bit of a chat, nothing to in depth, but he told me that he is in need of more sex. He reassured me over and over again that i am attractive - now, i dont know if in some way he knew what i had wrote on here, but he seemed to answer all my questions with out me even having to say a word. He told me that he doesnt want to do his thing alone, and would like me to feel that i would like to be more of a part of things. I guess perhaps he has noticed that im not so eager as i was in the past.
You know, i just want to relax and enjoy what we have, without being so concerned that things arent going so well for him as he makes out. Now perhaps, i think thats the problem, because he has faked a few times recently, I wonder why he would feel he has to do that. I wish he wouldnt, it leaves me feeling like he thinks im silly enough not to notice! I would prefer his honesty i think, especially as we have been honest in the past about it, but what, hes doing it to make me feel better, so thats quite kind in many ways and i just cant be angry. Basically, shouldnt i be satisfied that for him, his sex life is the best its ever been? Am i placing too high expectations on the both of us?? We still connect in a way that i am content with. He has always felt that this is more important than the actual act itself, which i agree with.
I think im concerned that the more sex we have, the less satisfied i will feel if he doesnt manage to finish. I dont mean in the sexual sense, but in the fact that i dont like it that he is not satisfied in the way I would like - well, isnt that making it about me? Should i be able to deal with this if he can?
Perhaps im over analysing the situation a bit too much.
I dont believe that our situation would ever lead to him saying that he doesnt care if he gets nothing from it - the plain truth is, i know that sexual satifaction is important to him - but it may just be that he cant always get it from vag sex. (and i say not always as some times he clearly does!) We have always been quite open about this and explore other things.
He has asked me in the past if men ive been with seemed to make more out of climaxing, to which i told him truthfully that they do.
Nan you have helped me to realise that this is not my fault, and for that i am very grateful. After reading some of the posts on here, I know i should be more grateful for what we have.
I hope that this is not a phase and that i will feel bad again, I am slightly concerned that things are not perhaps as straight forward as they should be, but i guess its about working at things - but for now i feel more settled about the situation, but should you ever need to talk - im here and know where you are coming from!
She xx

Hi She,

I am truly happy for you and you b/f. More sex? Good for you, maybe that naughty girl will be coming out after all.

Yes I think enjoying what you do have and going with the flow may be part of the key.

If the two of you are both feeling contentment, why should that be so bad to have those kind of expectations? Did that make sense?LOL!

As far as the more sex you have the less satified you think you may feel. Well thats part of my problem. My H wants it alot. Fine with me, but I feel pretty rejected when he doesn't finish and everything I just felt flies right out the window. I have thought of abstaining from sex to see how things go...then I think well maybe this time and the next.

After all these years I am still in love with my husband and I want to be with him as much as possible. Mind you, I am not his sex slve or anything like that...I know how to say no and do if I so choose.
Yes sexual satifaction may be important to him, but it is for you too.

I guess for me, I am so comfortable with myself sexually, that it is hard for me to understand him now. He knows I am 24/7 for the most part. I want it all the time. But I also think part of my is the frustration I feel from not being satified from him not being satified.

I read on this forum or another...can't remember, but it said that during sex, men ( this is not the exact thing ) worry about pleasing their partner, ( I know not all men do ) is she enjoying this, is she going to climax, blah blah. Well mine should know by now...I can be pretty vocal. I try to not say anything about it, because it ususally makes it worse, but on the other hand it doesn't help to wait for him either.

We had sex, night before last and the night before that, it was great..but his part ended with him masterbating himself. I can't even remeber the last time he came inside of me. Sucks huh? I just try to deal with it and went on.

I am glad you feel more settled. It helps to know you are not alone. Good luck! I'll be in and out of here too. Thanx!

Nan

I have two problems

1. Addicted to masterbation
2. Cant climax with a woman

I believe that these two problems must be linked, I masterbate between 5-8 times a day. I dont use porn or anything, just my imagination. I have had sexual intercourse 3 times all with different women (one night stands) and today I plan to have sex with another one but I just know im gonna let her down, I just cant climax with women at all, I can only climax when I masterbate on my own. Do you have any tips? If it is my constant masterbation I will stop it straight away, it will be very difficult but I am so determined to beat this

Rambams,

From everything I have read, you need to stop masterbating so often or all together. You are too used to yourself and thats the only sensation you are teaching yourself. Don't know if I am right or not. You may try not masterbating for a couple of weeks, then maybe a month if at all possible. I know you can't just go cold turkey. Then try being with someone that might mean something to you other than a one night stand. I don't know how old you are, but there are alot of sites that have info on addictive masterbation, you may try searching for them, Good luck.

Nan