Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Hi ..me again

I just wanted to say to Carol or Mary or anyone else that I know you are looking for advice....so am I. I wish I could give you some but I have all the moral support you want and will be glad to talk to you and you talk to me! It sure helps. Thanx Nan

Well here are several comments for Mary, Carol, Eric, Nan, and James:

Mary,

"He is attractive, brilliant, generous, funny, seemingly crazy about me...there's a future in this with or without correcting the sex problem. "

Does he know that? If he doesn't, make sure he does. If you've told him already, then tell him again. The more secure and comfortable he feels, the easier it is going to be for him to get over his anxieties.

"He can orgasm if he masturbates, so what generally happens is we have sex long enough to take care of me, and then he finishes himself off. (He likes it if I touch him and kiss him everywhere else while he's doing this, but I get the feeling it doesn't make or break the orgasm for him.) "

The fact that it doesn't break the orgasm for him is a very good thing. Severe cases of RE cause the guy to be unable to climax at all unless he is alone. The fact that he not only can do it while you are present, but even while you are touching him is a very good thing. You should see that as a hopeful sign!

"He always lies on his back to finish and it takes an alarming amount of pressure and speed to get the job done. I don't think I COULD get the right angle and stamina to get him off manually, if we thought that would even work."

He's gotta cut back on that. The brain responds to conditioning. When you smell your most favorite food you salivate. When you smell your least favorite food, you go "Yuck." His brain is conditioned to when he feels that speed and pressure, he has an orgasm. When he doesn't feel it, he doesn't have one. Every time he does it, the conditioning goes deeper. He needs to start easing off and recondition his orgasm threshold to be lower.

"It doesn't help that he never tells me I'm beautiful, but that's my self-esteem problem and this is about him, not me."

Your self esteem problems are part of this too. He wants to know that he is pleasing you and making you happy. One of the primary causes of this problem is that the guy is too focused on his partner to enjoy his own pleasure. Which you already know. So if he tells you that you are beautiful, it makes you feel good. And making you feel good makes him feel good. Telling you that you are beautiful also reinforces his own attraction for you.

Being as good a guy as you say he is, I bet that he is just unaware that you need some reassurance about your attractiveness. He probably assumes that it is just understood he finds you beautiful or he wouldn't be with you. He'd probably be happy to express how wonderful you look if only he knew that you needed to hear it.

"I always feel weird broaching the subject with him. It's sort of the elephant in the living room. But I'm willing to try anything if I think it'll help him feel good."

Don't feel weird! You've got the perfect attitude for a supportive partner. You've got to approach it in a sensitive way, of course, but broaching the subject is a good thing. I can almost gurantee you that it will be uncomfortable for him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. It will not fix itself. If you want a long and happy sex life with this man, you are going to need to talk about it and work on it.

You're not telling him to fix it or you're leaving him. You're not telling him to fix it because it makes you feel unattractive. You're not telling him to fix it or else you'll never have children. You're saying you want help him fix it so that he feels good when you two are being intimate. You're being caring, you're putting no pressure on him, and you are putting the focus on his pleasure. That's exactly the kind of supportive situation that's going to help overcome the problem.

"I thought I might try tying him up and making sure he can't even think about pleasing me, in other words make it all about him."

That's a good thought, but realize the problem is in his mind and not in his hands. You can't tie up his mind. I have personally been in exactly that situation. You know what I started thinking? I wondered if I was taking too long. I wondered if she was really into it. I wondered if she thought I was attractive. I worried I might lose the mood in the middle of it. I worried that if I didn't seem to be into it enough she'd feel unattractive.

In other words, even when I was lying back doing nothing and being completely pleasured, it was still all about her in my mind. I still was not able to focus on feeling good, was not able to concentrate on the pleasure she was giving me.

"He tried going a week without masturbating, but it didn't help. I think it was because we both expected that would be the answer, and so we'd put pressure on the situation. I wonder if maybe we didn't wait long enough. "

My guess would be that there is too much else going on at the same time for simple abstinence to work. If he went a year with no release, the anxieties would still be there. It doesn't matter how much pent up desire he has if he is so focused away from his own feelings that he's unable to feel that desire.

Abstaining for a while before sex is certainly going to be a part of getting over this problem. But it's not the only part.

"I think the situation here is unique because I haven't seen very many posts from relatively young people in new relationships. I feel like because it's early, we can eventually get past it, but maybe it's just a sign that it's a worse problem if he can't orgasm the very first time or any time after that."

I feel the same way. I just started a new relationship, and for the first time I decided to be completely open about the problem right from the start. Her attitude about things is much the same as yours, and I am very grateful for that. The fact that she is so supportive and understanding gives me a lot of confidence that we are going to get past this.

I wouldn't worry that his not climaxing even the first time is some sort of dark sign of trouble. The anxieties were there before he ever met you. The first time or the hundredth time, it doesn't matter. I understand where you are coming from. I used to think "You know, if only I could do it at least one time at least then I would have some hope for the future." But let me tell you something. I did have a few successes. None of them came before I was already months into that relationship. It's true that early on in a relationship you have the initial excitement going for you. But realize it's also true that the longer you are together, the more relaxed and comfortable you get with each other.

Nan,

I think your husband needs to get real. This thing where he can hardly walk because of the pain? I don't think so. Yeah, it does hurt. But it is his fault it hurts. He has a supportive wife. He is perfectly capable of finishing himself off any time he wants to. You're not stopping him. If he is using his problem to make some sort of unspoken statement to you, then he needs to get his head on straight. He needs to get over it. He's got you searching the Internet for help with the problem while he is doing absolutely nothing about it himself. That's not right.

Your husband is not going to be able to get over this problem unless he works on it. And as long as he's using it as a weapon against you, it seems like he's not even interested in working on it. Have you ever thought about just leaving the whole sex thing out of it, and maybe seeing if there are other problems? I mean, if he's using sexual problems against you that way, why is he doing that? Is he loving and tender towards you outside the bedroom?

Carol,

Your husband says he doesn't really care if he has an orgasm or not. I'm almost certain that's not true. I've said the same thing myself. I've said that "It's all about the woman" thing that a lot of guys say.

It's a lot easier to pretend a problem doesn't exist or that it doesn't matter than it is to fix it.

He may very well enjoy sex whether he climaxes or not. I do. It still feels good. But that does not mean it wouldn't feel better if I was able to finish.

There is no guy out there that wants to admit he has a sex problem. The thing is that, unlike some of the other sexual dysfunctions around, RE doesn't make the guy unable to perform. That's a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, we can still have sex so we are less impaired than some other poor guys out there. But it's a bad thing in that it makes RE an easier problem to ignore and not deal with.

But you said he didn't develop the problem until some time into your marriage. Think back to then. Wasn't the sex better? I bet it was. If you do truly love him and you care about his feeling good, don't let him ignore the problem.

Eric & James,

I know what you mean about distraction being helpful. I find that having music playing helps some. But I can't stand the thought of using porn.

Have you considered the longterm effects of that? I just can't see having constant exposure to other women while I'm with the woman I love. I am concerned about using porn because I just can't see how over weeks and months that wouldn't gradually damage the intimacy and closeness which is, to me, the whole point of making love in the first place.

Do you notice any lessening of the togetherness with your wife after using porn? I never want to get to a point where I would think it's too much bother to turn on the porn and get my wife when I could just turn on the porn and use my hand. I'm afraid that might happen after a while.

Kaos

Thanks for your reply and support. Yes my husband is loving and caring for the most part outside of our bedroom. He says he is happy in our marriage except for our sex life. And I think its pretty bad that I have to search for help on the internet also while he does nothing but have a pity party this, but I need the support for MYSELF! I know its not my fault and I am doing this for me, thats why if I can give someone support....I would be glad to. It just helps to get it off my chest.

We do talk about this some. Not enough, but some. I have sat down and written him a letter 3 times. I keep changing things..but I want him to know exactly how this has made me feel. Yes, I have thought of leaving the sex thing out to see how things go ....then he will initiate it and I go through it and then it starts all over again.

Thanx,
Nan

KAOS- I'm a veteran "situational" RE guy, having had it for all my sexual life, going on 25 years now. I have tried just about everything there is out there to treat it. I've been to half a dozen therapists- marital, sex, psychologists and psychiatrists. I've tried all the drugs- viagra, Wellbutrin, the anxiety drugs. Nothing worked.

But the years of therapy and my own extensive research which includes correspondence with some of the leading researchers on RE in the world did teach me that I can only reach orgasm under ceratin conditions, and with only certain types of women. None of these conditions is able to be met in marital sex. I like being married and plan to stay married so I am doing what it takes for me to have enjoyable sex with my wife. We were sexless for years because of the RE. When we started adding porn during sex the RE vanished, it was like a miracle.

If I was 20 years younger and just starting a relationship the porn might be seen as a problem but after 15 years of marriage believe me it's a Godsend.

This is a way a reply to Mary's post, but also in a way a bit of my own situation. I was shocked when I read your post, because you are in a situation almost exactly like mine.

I am also a relatively young woman, in my mid twenties, my boyfriend being in his late twenties. Our relationship is also new and in it's early stages. We have been together for about 8 months. As in your situation I completely adore him, and know for a fact that I do love him. We get along wonderfully, and enjoy each other's company. However in the bedroom we are having some problems.

I will start off by saying that while he does not entirely fit the description of your typical RE man, he does have dificulty ejaculating during sex. He almost never reaches orgasm during vaginal intercourse. However with extensive amounts of oral stimulation he eventually reaches orgasm, usually about 20-30 minutes of this. (this does not always happen, sometimes he does not reach orgasm even after long periods of oral stimulation). It wasn't until recently about 6 months into our relationship did he actually reach orgasm with vaginal stimulation, but even then he had to pull out and finish himself. This has only happened very few times since then.

I was also dissappointed when reading other posts that suggested the most common cause of RE, is that men are unattraced to their partner. I don't think this is the case in our situation. He lets me know quite frequently that he finds me very attractive, and while I know I am not perfect I have always thought of myself as an attarctive woman.


I am curious if this could be a less severe case of RE. I also wonder if this is something that we can work on and defeat early on in our relationship. I am pleased that he does seem to be making some progress, and I am willing to help him in any way that would be beneficial. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions regarding this.

Hi chickee

Sorry you are going through this. All I can recommend to you is to keep the communication lines open. Sounds like you probably do. But as long as the 2 of you are keeping each other informed to feelings etc. maybe you can overcome.

I don't know of any other help that I could be except for you to vent and I would be glad to do that for you.

Good Luck
Nan

Chickee: You are mistaken the most common cause of RE is NOT lack of attraction to the partner. It is ANXIETY (see below) And for unmarried young people in a relationship the attraction issue just doesn't make sense anyway. When it is so easy for a singl;e person to just change partners, why would they stay with someone they are not sexually attracted to?

The attraction issue, when it comes to RE is, in the majority of cases, found in couples who are married and have been for many years. People change, they get older, women's bodies change due to childbirth, boredom with marital sex can sometimes happen. All these can cause a husband to lose sexual desire. Wives too for that matter.

Here's some more info:

RE is usually an anxiety based male sexual dysfunction. It can also be caused by compulsive masturbation and heavy pornography use, CNS disease and certain medications.

The causes of this anxiety are too numerous to go into here but are usually the result of what are called "family of origin issues" such as sexual/psychological or physical abuse in childhood.
In many cases the anxiety is subconcious and during foreplay the man has a normal feeling of arousal and has no idea until prolonged ontercourse or other stimulation starts that he will not be able to have an orgasm.

RE differs in levels of severity and is often situational. The man can have an orgasm with some women but not others. In severe cases the man cannot ejaculate by any means with a partner. In less severe cases the man can attain orgasm in other ways but not intercourse. In the least severe manifestations of RE, the man can attain orgasm during vaginal sex but in takes a very long time.

Some men with RE get what are called "automatic erections" which means that during foreplay they can attain and hold strong erections but when they attempt intercourse (or other means of penile stimulation in some cases) the penis begins to feel numb after a few minutes. The origin of this numb sensation is not physical, but rather psychological and is caused by the man not being aroused enough, either because of performance or other anxiety or, in the case of chronic masturbators/porn users, that the reality of partner sex does not match the intense visual and physical stimulation he has grown accustomed to. Lack of attraction the the partner is also a factor in low arousal in long term marriages. This feeling of numbness means that a man with RE does not get sexually aroused enough to reach his orgasmic threshold and ejaculate.

What puzzles sex therapists most is the erectile ability of men with RE. In most men low arousal, especially combined with anxiety would prevent them from achieving an erection at all. Men with RE have the ability to hold an erection for up to an hour. And these erections are NOT an indication of a high level of arousal like they are for most men.

Although on the surface this might be percieved as a plus. after awhile the woman usually begins to have low self esteem because she believes she cannot make her partner reach orgasm. If she talks to him about this it sometimes increases his anxiety level and makes the situation worse. The man will often stop having sex with the partner out of frustration, guilt, shame and a feeling of inadequacy.

Almost all men who suffer from RE can masturbate to orgasm without any difficulty although only about 50% can do this with the partner present.

It is the hardest of all the male sexual dysfunctions to cure and because so little research has been done on this disorder, many sex therapists don't have a clue how to treat it properly.

Many couples opt for lovemaking that has the goal of bringing the woman to orgasm while the RE patient takes care of himself either at the time if that's possible or later when he is by himself.

Other factors in retarded ejaculation include:

-Too much alcohol consumption
-drugs: heroin, meth, cocaine, etc. Sometimes pot but has to be a
heavy user.
-exhaustion (situational, temporary)
-short term depression or anxiety ie: the death of a loved one or
similar (again, temporary)
-even a fight with the spouse can effect ejaculation and erection.
- low testosterone will cause RE although this would most likely
manifest itself as lack of desire, and lack of erectile ability. The
lack of desire would probably mean he wouldn't get to the point in
sex where RE would be a problem.

It should be mentioned that any of the above (even the temporary causes) can lead to performance anxiety and a viscious circle of the man, after having it happen one time, worrying about whether it will happen again and this worry will raise anxiety levels during sex causing RE to indeed happen again. And this can be a tough cycle to break.

Kaos - Wow! Thanks for the detailed reply! I think the best advice I've been given thus far is the one I get most often - communicate, communicate, communicate.

Chickee - It's good to know someone else is in more or less the same situation. I think as the trust increases, so will our success.

And the latest news - I finally got tired of being too nervous to say anything and so I wrote down my thoughts. I reiterated over and over that I'd do anything if he thought it'd help, and that even if we never fix it I'd still like being intimate with him, but that I wanted to help. He was still uncomfortable, of course, but we've talked a little and now the lines of communication are open, and that's something, at least. It seems like the time it takes him to climax is getting shorter, and less manual stimulation is required.

By the way, Anon, it absolutely IS an anxiety issue in my boyfriend's case, I think, because the more he worries about not being able to come, the more trouble he has with it, and I've even sometimes seen the point where the switch in his brain flips from "this is just plain great and I like being there with her" to "oh my god, I'm almost there and now I have to get there or this will have been a totally futile exercise - MUST HAVE ORGASM NOW - nope, can't do it, not happening, I suck, guess I'll stop now." So it's encouraging that he doesn't seem to be on autopilot the entire time, and lately he's even been more honest with me rather than trying to pretend he's having fun if he's not. For awhile there he was feigning enthusiasm some of the time, and he's not a very good actor. The autopilot function has ceased, I guess is how I'd put it.

It's still stressful, though, obviously. I keep reminding myself that it isn't going to fix itself overnight. Every little bit helps, I guess.

Although I truely believe there are physical causes of RE I also believe the mind can be retrained to compensate. I have suffered from RE all my life but yet have had "wet" dreams as an early teen. The key is to attemp to retrain the brain to react to a vaginal type stimulation. So, here is my next attempt at attacking this thing. I went ahead and bought a fake vagina from an adult toy shop. I know, it sounds kind of funny but this was I can practice working without mental pressure of a having partner. Anyone try something like this with success?

I am in a relationship with a wondeful bloke but am finding it a little difficult as he finds it hard to ejaculate when we have sex and I am beginning to worry it's me but he says not. He has no problem cumming when he masturbates and when I give him bj's but can't understand why he can't cum when we have intercourse.

Is there anyone else with this problem and how do we deal with it?