Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Fantastic news. I can see why the pretending she doesn't care act would work. It would reduce the performance anxiety. I myself have suffered from RE ever since I was a teen (I'm now 42) and the only women I never had problems ejaculating with my any means were prostitutes. I never understood why this is until I read your post. They don't care either! I guess I felt no pressure to perform becasue I was paying! I didn't have to please anyone but myself.

I'm going to see if I can talk my wife into doing some playacting. I wonder if it would be more realistic if she had an orgasm before the playact? So she was satisfied and I wouldn't feel under pressure to make her cum.

Thanks for your post.

Hi

New here, finally a place where maybe I cn find someone in the same boat. My husband is 44 me 43. we have been married 25yrs.
So yes long-term realtionship and boredom. I don't think he is unattracted to me, or he sure doesn't show it anway, but we have been dealing with this for about 5-6 yrs.
He will not do anything about it. I have finally read enough things to know its not my fault ....as to which I blamed myself quit often.
He has gotten to the point that he won't even masterbate to relieve anything and he is in pain after we have had sex and he doesn't ejaculate.
We had and still have a great sex life for the most part. He just says he is bored. I am as supportive as I can possibly be....because it is getting to be a chore to do that anymore. When you have been used to getting sex anytime you want and go to this....it really tries your patience.....big time. Mine is really wearing.
There is some more things to my saga...but the support and help would be great and appreciated very much. Is there anyone there like me....what do you do.....Idon't now where to go but here. I am in a small town. There are therapists and counseling here but no sex therapists to my knowledge. But I think this is where I will have to go for now....THANX!

Hi Nan-

I'm married and have had RE for many years. And I've had some success in overcoming it. I'd be happy to answer any questions.

One question for you though. Are you SURE your husband isn't masturbating? It's difficult for a man in good health to go long periods of time without some kind of sexual release. And guys with RE tend to masturbate more than men who don't have any sexual dysfunction.

Hi James,

Thanks for your response and I appreciate any help. As an answer to your question about my husband masterbating. I know there are time when he has but for the most part he isn't because he has a hard time walking from no release. He makes me feel like he is punishing me for it because he will walk with a limp and has a hard time getting up from the pain. He told me that I don't give him enough attention and that I didn't initiate sex enough. I told him that he know I gave him plenty of attention and that as far as the initiation thing went.....I didn't as much because I know it causes him pain and I can't stand it. He understood a little. He just tells me he is bored. I am no prude, he knows I want it 24/7. I have gotten past the thinking it was my fault to a certain extent.

What I think started this....5-6 yrs ago a long time (female) friend of mine approached me to have an affair with her. She is not lesbian just curious. Well it really isn't my thing and i said no. One day in front of my husband she told him she wanted to have an affair with me. I know my mouth dropped because I didn't tell him.
Time rocked on...before I knew it he had went to see her and stirred the possibilities of a 3some. Well she told me ,he told me..we all talked ALOT about it. Mind you there really wasn't any RE problems to my knowledge then. Although I discovered he had been doing some faking on and off but not much. It was decided that we would do it..I had alot of guidelines...so really I don't think it would have been worth it. We had 2 different times planned and it never happened, once because I got sick and another because she lived out of town and didn't show up...my thoughts...it wasn't supposed to happen. So you see I ruined his ultimate fantasy and it has pretty much been this way ever since. He also went to see her later on and attempted to sleep with her ansd she refused him....he doesn't know that I know this. He thought if he did it with someone else he could orgasm and prove he didn't have a problem. He has told me he knew he could get off with someone else. I said how do you know this....have you..he says no and that he wasn't going to.

James, why does he still want to have sex and initiate it if he knows that he won't finish? Is he punishing me? How long were you having RE? how have you overcome? How did your wife deal with it? Thank you so much. Having a mans point of view is a major help.
Nan

Hi again Nan:

Well I totally understand why he would want to experiment to see if the problem is just with you or not. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and actually did have a brief affair. And you know what? The RE happened with her too! The stress and excitement of being with someone new can bring on RE just as easily as anything else can.

RE usually has nothing to do with the partner although many men, mystified with what is happening, will blame all sorts of things including the women. Now it is true that in some cases the lack of attraction to the wife/girlfriend can cause RE as can other problems in a relationship. But remember anxiety is the root cause of almost all RE. How many men out there have had sex with women they weren't that attracted to but have no problems with erection or ejaculation?

I've had RE for years and suffered with it before my marriage too. Not with every woman, but with some. I can't say the ones I had problems with had anything in common, although in my case if she was really beautiful that seemed to bring on the RE which probably has to do with me worrying about whether I was good enough for her and of course that would cause the anxiety that would in turn cause the RE.

Someone posted here that he worked around his RE by his wife acting like she wasn't interested in sex. Reading a book and smoking a cigarrette while he did his thing to her. That is a very cool idea and this kind of thing works very well as does using any method to distract the guy. MY wife and I watch porn movies together and I find if I have a video going while we are having sex
it really works to take my mind off the task at hand and cools any feelings of anxiety.

The fact that your husband thinks being with someone else is going to cure his RE is ridiculous no matter what the cause of it is.
Even if he is overwhelmed with horniness and excitement at being with her for the first time and that allows enough distraction in itself for him to be able to have an orgasm, what about the next time? and the next? It'll come back sooner or later with her or any womon he is with.

If his RE has a psychological cause then conquer the anxiety and you conquer the RE.

Here's some advice for what its worth. Get a porn movie, put it in the DVD player or the VCR, bring him into the room and sit him down. Say to him, "look I know you have trouble having an orgasm and that's OK, but I'm kinda horny and I'm wondering if you could do me a big favor.....I'm going to take a shower, and when I come back I want you to just lick me until I cum. You don't have to even take your clothes off if you don't want to. I'm so horny and I just need this one little favor. I got this movie to get ME in the mood so
I'll start it up now and hopefully by the time I get out of the shower
the video will be at the "good" part."

Then without another word jump up, start the video and go take a long hot shower. Come out in your robe, don't take it off just open it up and spread your legs. Forget about any kissing or any kind of foreplay just lie back and wait to see what he does.

What you will be doing here is:

-initiating
-removing all pressure on him to perform
-surprising/distracting him

Who know's, it might just work.

Using videos works and I find my penis doesn't feel numb if I am watching a video when having sex with my wife. Luckily she doesn't mind watching too although she likes the couples one on one porn as opposed to the harder group stuff. I couldn't cum with my wife at all until we startre using videos so I think the other poster is right everyone who has trouble with RE should try this method.

Hi
I haven't tried James suggestion yet in the way he suggested although I plan to. I did get a video out the other night and he just didn't seem that interested in it. I even tried not to make alot of eye contact with him so I didn't feel like I had much pressure on him. He is very touchy about this so its very hard for me to approach him. Needless to say he didn't climax. I have been doing better not reacting negatively.....but I didn't do to well then. I think he is depressed. His emotions are so up and down anymore, that I can't read him. Thats why I have such a hard time approaching him. But keep the suggestions coming ( no pun intended ) my way....I am really greatful to get any help at all! Nan

Hi Nan,

My husband has RE also. I am 45 and he is 50. We have been married for 24 years. His RE started after about 10 years of marriage. The first 10 years sex was great. He had no problems. But then he took a contract construction job and we seperated for 2 years because he was gone all the time. We got back together after 2 years of being apart and that is when his RE started. He has admitted to masturbating and I know he was watching porn because I found some of the movies. Let me clarify that while he has RE, he can cum after about 30 to 45 minutes especially with hand stimulation. He usually cums with me using my hand on him along with some kind of lubricate. He has no problem getting an erection and maintaining it. He says he is very attracted to me. We recently seperated about a year ago again because of his compulsive gambling habit. He then started seeing another woman and he says he could not cum with her. He has quit seeing her and we are having sex again. (I must add here that for the past 3 years before the recent seperation, we had sex very little because of his gambling and lying to me). My problem is that I truly love this man. I was really hurt when I found out about the other woman and he quit seeing her when I found out. He goes to porn shops sometimes and goes to be back room and tries to jerk himself off to porn. He says he has a hard time even doing this. He seems interested in having sex and he will do everything to please me but he now acts as if he doesn't really care if he ejaculates or not. Somebody give me some suggestions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I can't tell if reading this forum has been helpful or just depressing, but every single facet of my partner's situation has been catalogued somewhere on this thread.

I positively adore my boyfriend. Possibly I love him. We're both in our late twenties. We haven't been together all that long - a little under four months - but things so far are mostly going pretty well in every department except the bedroom. He is attractive, brilliant, generous, funny, seemingly crazy about me...there's a future in this with or without correcting the sex problem.

He can orgasm if he masturbates, so what generally happens is we have sex long enough to take care of me, and then he finishes himself off. (He likes it if I touch him and kiss him everywhere else while he's doing this, but I get the feeling it doesn't make or break the orgasm for him.) He has never come inside me, or through oral sex. He was intrigued by anal sex and thought that might be the answer, but that didn't work either (though he liked it so we still do it from time to time).

He says this isn't just something that happens with me. I do not know if it's that way with everyone - I suspect so because he never varies what he does. He always lies on his back to finish and it takes an alarming amount of pressure and speed to get the job done. I don't think I COULD get the right angle and stamina to get him off manually, if we thought that would even work.

Needless to say, this has been an endless source of frustration for both of us. I feel like I'm not performing the way he needs me to, or like he's not sexually attracted to me. (Needless to say, the post after post saying that not being attracted to one's partner is one of the more common causes was not particularly helpful.) It doesn't help that he never tells me I'm beautiful, but that's my self-esteem problem and this is about him, not me.

Occasionally he gets so frustrated by this that he DOES try to blame me for it, e.g. "I was so close and then YOU came and it threw off my rhythm" (I suppressed my own orgasm for weeks after that until he told me it was actually just making things worse for him if I didn't get off) or "I got to thinking about something you did earlier tonight that I didn't like (generally unrelated to sex) and I got distracted so it's not going to happen." Generally he realizes what he's doing and stops and apologizes, and he hasn't been doing it lately, but this was also a blow to my self-esteem, especially after all the work I do to convince myself it ISN'T me.

Things I know about his psyche:

*he lost his virginity fairly young and the aftermath was kind of traumatic (teenage drama...kids can be so cruel)
*he isn't happy with the way his body looks right now. I like him just the way he is, but possibly the poor body image exacerbates the problem.
*he is an extremely heavy drinker - it's never impeded his ability to get an erection, not even when he's consumed a week's worth of booze in one sitting, but it might contribute to his problems orgasming. He was also a recreational drug user in college but doesn't even smoke pot now as far as I know.
*he generally eschews therapy, medication, and all things of that ilk. (Ironically, I take Wellbutrin, and I know he has this odd view of it being for some sort of serious defect, so I doubt he'd be receptive to trying a prescription drug.)
*he has slept with approximately three times as many people as I have (see above re: drinking and mind-altering substances.)- and I have not slept with an abnormally low number of people. My sense is that he hasn't had very many serious relationships, though, and I'm the first serious girlfriend he's had in about 4-5 years. I think what happens is he tries and fails with someone and then is too embarrassed to try again. I made him wait a few dates until we were both a little emotionally engaged - I think that helped.

I always feel weird broaching the subject with him. It's sort of the elephant in the living room. But I'm willing to try anything if I think it'll help him feel good. At first I thought that I should just passively let him pound away for as long as he likes, or let him contort my body however he can get a pleasing angle, but now I think maybe he feels pressured if the onus is on him to take care of himself and he thinks I'm just waiting around for him to finish.

I thought I might try tying him up and making sure he can't even think about pleasing me, in other words make it all about him.

He tried going a week without masturbating, but it didn't help. I think it was because we both expected that would be the answer, and so we'd put pressure on the situation. I wonder if maybe we didn't wait long enough.

I think the situation here is unique because I haven't seen very many posts from relatively young people in new relationships. I feel like because it's early, we can eventually get past it, but maybe it's just a sign that it's a worse problem if he can't orgasm the very first time or any time after that.

It just feels good to get this off my chest relatively anonymously, in a place where someone might possibly identify with it.

Hi
Carol, I know how you feel about the part where you said your husband doesn't care if he cums or not. I can certainly relate to that! I feel like mine is punishing me everytime he doesn't so i can see that he can barely walk from the pain it causes him. Well, now I am just mostly mad about it. I don't say anything right now, but I know that it heading that way.

My husband likes porn too, but he isn't sneaking around with it. Actually, we used to watch it together quite a bit and stopped for a while...then it wa suggested on here to try it. He just claims boredom for the most part. Says we have done it all and there just isn't anything to look forward to. Excuse me for liking it!

I love my husband too, I guess if we didn't we wouldn't be trying to get some help. Sounds like your doesn't want to get any help like mine. I just take it day by day right now. I don't knw what else to do.

I sat down the other day and wrote a letter to him trying to tell him how I felt, but I didn't give it to him. He is going out of town for his work in a week for a few days. We live in a small town and this is a very large city. I figure that mine will go to a strip club while he is there. I don't know if he will attempt to cheat or not we'll see.

He says he knows that he can cum with someone else but he can give me no proof as how he knows this. He claims that he has never cheated.... don't know. Anyway, I don't kow if I can offer any advice....I am looking too. But I'm sure talking to someone in the same boat helps. It helps me. I don't blame myself anymore. If you read my earlier post you know that there was another woman invlolved in a different way. It just messed him up in the head not getting his way. I mean that, my husband is an only child. He got everything he wanted. His mother did everything for him. Fortunately he isn't a momma's boy. But, after we were married, I doted on him too. He is a hard working man. Always works and has taken care of his family. He always gets things he wants and this time he didn't. Well this was the results from it.

I had a total hysterectomy in 99' and I take a hormone that has testosterone in for sex drive. He said what would you do if you had this problem? I said well if you would remember correctly...I did....an I did something about it. He couldn't say much to that. I am thinking about not taking that one anymore because I get so horny I can't stand it. All he wants to do is orally satisfy me and go on. We do have intercourse, but it can go on forever and nothing happens for him....I can't manually or orally satify him anymore...it does nothing for him and he does it occasionally himself with me present. If he masterbating...why would he be in pain? I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish mine would talk to someone. I will be happy to talk to you anytime. Sorry for the long post....it just pours out sometimes and its so good to get it off your chest.
Nan