Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Here is an explanation of why Sensate Focus usually fails in the threatment of retarded ejaculation.

From: http://www.geocities.com/a_impotence/orgasm.html

"This treatment has also been criticized because it demands so much of the man - that he almost be made to give up his orgasm - and this from a man who may be having sexual difficulties in the first place because he resents having to give so much to his partner, whose role in the relationship may be passive and unassertive anyway. Apfelbaum makes the following comment of some men in this situation:"....his experience of sex is of a continuous demand for performance.....but he has no way to experience himself as being used. Instead, he has flashes of disgust and/or hatred for his partner."

"Another difficulty is that the rough and intensive masturbation that may be necessary to get the man to near the point of his orgasm and the insertion of his penis into her vagina are heavy demands to place on the female partner who may be resentful and frustrated about her partner's inability to ejaculate. These demands may be made worse if she knows only too well that the man is simply not aroused by her, a fact that she will sense quite readily if it is true. None of this seems like a recipe for a happy resolution of the problems..... "

My wife left me after 10 years of marriage because of my RE problems. I admit that I had a hard time getting aroused by her and I wasn't that physically attracted by her but I did try everything I could to overcome my problem including going to sex therapy. But all the therapy in the world won't help get a man aroused enough to ejaculate if he is not visually turned on by his partner. WE tried the sensate focus but I had trouble getting to the point of orgasm even when I tried masturbating with her beside me. And the pressure to perform even though I wasn't that horny was very stressful and I think just made the situation worse. I have had one relationship since my marriage ended with a much younger and sexier woman and I had no problems at all with her.

For men who's RE is being caused by not being aroused enough I say don't waste your money on therapy. If your wife won't do what it takes to make herself desireable to you then there isn't much hope and if you want a decent sex life again finding someone who does get you aroused is really the only solution.

Wow thanks for that link rma.
I've learned so much from what I've read there. Can prone masturbation really be responsible for retarded ejaculation? Certainly going to take the advice offered on that site. Thanks again.

Sadheart:

Yes a prone masturbation style can cause retarded ejaculation during intercourse. As a matter of fact, it almost ALWAYS does. The reason it is not widely discussed here and on other sites about RE is that a prone masturbation style is fairly rare. This type of RE can usually be treated by retraining your orgasmic triggers to react to a less strident masturbation technique.

Here's a link with further info.

http://www.healthystrokes.com/articles.html

Sadheart wrote:Wow thanks for that link rma.
I've learned so much from what I've read there. Can prone masturbation really be responsible for retarded ejaculation? Certainly going to take the advice offered on that site. Thanks again.

You're welcome, Sadheart. Prone masturbation position can certainly cause RE. It has for me. Now, I'm re-learning the right way. Basically, the penis has to regain its sensitivity, as the prone position is way too vigorous a technique. A variation is thrusting into the palm.

Imagine I've being doing it "wrong" all these years. Why didn't anyone tell me (LOL)? I hope that site can help a few people. It has started to help me greatly in understanding the root cause of my RE all these years.

Shaun:

You may be right. Lack of arousal with a partner is near the top of most lists that describe the causes of Retarded Ejaculation. Of all the causes of RE lack of arousal is probably the most difficult to treat for sex therapists. Dr. Bernard Apfelbaum a noted American sex therapist and an expert in the treatment of RE has created a therapy called "Counterbypassing" to treat men who don't get aroused enough to achieve orgasm with a partner. He used Surrogate Partners and the man was allowed to tell the Surrogate during intercourse everything about her he disliked and found unarousing. Most men with RE who's dysfunction is caused by being unaroused tend to keep their feelings bottled up so as not to hurt the PARTNERS (wife girlfriend etc) feelings. Apfelbaum found that once the men were free to tell the Surrogate EXACTLY how ther felt during intercourse, years of anger, resentment, low self esteem and performance anxiety suddenly dissapeared and the men found that they were suddenly highly aroused and were able to ejaculate normally.

Whether this would work with a real partner rather than a stranger (the Surrogate, who has been especially trained to accept the personal critisism) is not clear. Most women would probably not be able to handle the man's true sexual feelings about them. But with a sexual dysfunction like RE where treatments often fail, Counterbypassing shows more promise than almost any other therapy I know of.

"If your wife won't do what it takes to make herself desireable to you then there isn't much hope"

Are you saying your wife could have DONE something to make herself desirable to you? What would that have been? Or are you saying she simply wasn't naturally physically attractive enough for you, and there is nothing she could have done to change that?

paq wrote:

"Are you saying your wife could have DONE something to make herself desirable to you? What would that have been? Or are you saying she simply wasn't naturally physically attractive enough for you, and there is nothing she could have done to change that?"

Hi Paq. The answer to all three of your questions is yes. But she refused to do anything I asked. It's too bad too because she was a nice person, very smart and we got along great. I was very careful about asking here what changes I wanted her to make to her appearance. I was careful not to critisise her. Many women would have done amost anything to make themselves desireable for their husband but she wouldn't and that showed me that in the end, she didn't really care too much about the marriage. Men get turned on the the visual sense and without that, at least for me, there was no arousal. Even if I'd wanted to give her duty sex or even mercy sex (when she would complain about our sexless marriage) I couldn't because men, unlike women cannot function sexually uless they are aroused. That is pretty clear if you read the posts here. She started to let herself go just after we married and my RE started about the same time. It got so I couldn't even stand to see her with her clothes off. I have notice that some, not all, of the women I dated more than a few times would do the same thing. They would look great until the relationship got going then all of a sudden they are wearing sweats and no makeup. The thong underwear is suddenly replaced by those Brigitte Jones female drawers.

and shrinkwrap if you like your shrink. foil if you don't. lol

bravo!

the comment above was mine.