Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Hi can I jump in here?

Well I've had this problem for all my adult life. It is situational and usually only crops up after I've been in a relationship for a while. I always thought I just got bored more easily than other men and I still sort of believe that although reading the posts on this website has really got me thinking about other possibilities.

One things for sure when it starts happening I'm outta the relationship FAST! How can anyone possibly say that pumping away for an half hour or 45 minutes while she lies there waiting for you to finish is enjoyable!? She's had her orgasm long ago and now is all dryed up and starting to complain it hurts. I mean you feel like $#%^ right? And she's getting all f*cked up because she thinks something is wrong with HER and that's why you can't cum So after trying and trying you just give up. Man, I suffered through those situations when I was younger, especially if I really liked the girl. But as I've grown older I have realized no woman is worth all that. Better to find someone else you can cum with, at least until it happens again.

I have sort of the same problem and when I can't cum it always surprises me because I spend all that time jumping through the usual hoops to get the girl into bed and I'm really horny and really want her. I get a hard erection and everything. Once I start doing her though like after about 3 minutes suddenly I'm just not horny anymore. I feel like pulling out getting dressed and leaving but you have to keep going or she is going to think you are some kind of wierdo. I have faked orgasms just to get it over with. I'd really like to know why this is happening. Can anyone help?

If you can last 30-45 minutes, you can easily give your partner multiple orgasms. Most women rarely have one orgasm, so you are a pretty good find as to sex.

My wife and I are 50+ so we are pretty comfortable with each other. We've been married for almost 30 years. I have RE, although I cum most of the time.

I think a lot of it has to do with being relaxed about yourself and preparing for problems. We have a bottle of lube by the bed (in fact, we order six at a time of lube--Liquid Silk. You get a better discount in volume. ) We also usually make sure that we are rested before we start.

Our usual love making consists of 3 different coital positions, oral sex & a hand job (both by me and for me). We go from one to the next. She usually has at least 3 orgasms. Most times, she finishes me with a hand job or blow job (she is incredible at both).

We are open as to what we will try (as long as it is monogamous) and we have a bunch of toys we have tried over the years.

Almost every woman I've been with cums in the first five or ten minutes after I start intercourse. So being able to go for a half hour or 45 minutes even with a girl who is multiorgasmic really doesn't do much good because they have had "their's" and are ready to stop. I think the longest time I was with a woman before her orgasms stopped was about 25 minutes. I can understand what the other guy who posted was saying about them just lying there waiting for you to finish. Most guys cum in about 3 minutes so after about 15 they begin to wonder what the hell is going on. And after a half hour they start getting freaked out or thinking that they are doing something wrong or are not getting you aroused enough. Pretty well every time they start asking questions after maybe 30 minutes or so or maybe around a half hour. Besides for me sex is pretty boring if I can't cum. I mean really, what's the point? That's the reason that when I know I'm not going to get off I just want to stop and even if I like her I just want out of there before those embarrasing questions start.

Steve Newlywed:

I have the same problem. After pumping away for 15 or 20 minutes my cock loses all feeling and I go soft. So I think losing your hardon is part of the non ejaculation problem. Luckily I can ejaculate most of the time with a handjob. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones but I'd rather be able to cum inside my wife at least once in a while.

I am so pleased to have found this discussion after searching and searching for answers and just finding the same brief info repeated over and over. I am hoping someone here can help.

I am very interested in Sensate Focus Therapy for inhibited ejaculation. My husband can only achieve orgasm when he masturbates by himself. All the reading I've done about this therapy seems to point to the fact that it will only work with men who can achieve orgasm with their wife in the same room and that is what the therapy is based on. Has anyone with the complete inabilty to orgasm with a partner had any luck using this therapy?

Hi Candice.

Severe psychogenic RE, (RE not caused by drugs, alchohol abuse, or physical abnormailty) where the man can only orgasm with self masturbation while alone. can be broken down into two groups. Those who have in the past at any time been able to ejaculate by some method (not necessarily intercourse) WITH A PARTNER and those who haven't.

In both cases intensive psychotherapy exploring such things as his past sexual history, any childhood abuse, whether it be mental, physical or sexual, what kind of self esteem he has, any history of depression or dysthymia, shyness, strict religious upbringing, a subconcious fear of intimacy and whether he suffers from any kind of social anxiety need to be explored before any type of sensate focus therapy is attempted.

If he has never been able to ejaculate in any way other than masturbating by himself, then after past history is established the reasons for the ejaculatory problem should become clearer and then the therapist can work from there.

If his RE is truly situational ie: he is unable to have orgasms with you but has had success with others, then the therapy will pinpoint what it was about those partners that allowed him to become aroused enough to ejaculate. Most men with this type of RE have highly specialized orgasmic triggers and these need to noted for use further along in the therapy.

If he is a heavy porn user then that too will be dealt with.

A large number of RE patients usually have a mix of psychological and interpersonal relationhip problems that when added together, cause the dysfunction.

Once these causes have been dealt with then the desensitization process of Sensate Focus can be tried. If this therapy is attempted before the root causes of the retarded ejaculation have been discovered and dealt with, there is a high probability Sensate Focus will fail in men with the severe form of the dysfunction.

SexDoc. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. Yes my husband has been able to ejaculate with other women he dated before we were married. He says he was able to have an orgasm with about half of his girlfriends. He was able to orgasm with me before we got married and for about the first few months after we were married then he suddenly couldn't. He also began to loose his erections during intercourse. For awhile after that he was able to ejaculate with oral sex but even that stopped a few months later.

He does masturbate using internet pornography but I don't think he is a really heavy user. Maybe a few times a week. At first I felt really bad about his problem thinking it had something to do with me but after doing some research I realized that that isn't usually the cause. He is kind of shy and had a rough childhood because his parents were alchoholics who fought all the time. He does have problems with intimacy too.

I am going to try and find a therapist and see what can be done. I have printed out your reply and will show it to both my husband and the therapist. Thank you.

I have been following this forum for about a month now, and read all the posts and suggestions. I have tried some of them, but nothing has worked for me yet.

I have come to realize that for some men, RE is a a result of a very untypical masturbation technique. For example, about 5-10% of men started masturbating in the prone position in bed, or thrusting the penis in the palm.

Both these methods are not normal, and will in most cases lead to RE, because the sensation of normal intercourse is just not the same. This lack of success will then lead to the lack of confidence and psychological problems. I know this is my case.

A few days ago, I discovered a site which discusses this problem, which is called TMS (traumatic masturbatory syndrome). It also has a regimen to follow for a cure, and the success rate is very, very good. Basically, it teaches you to re-learn the correct way of masturbating.

The site is quite long and has a lot of case studies and a yahoo support group. I will follow the plan, and hope that it works for me. So, for those men who have TMS, try http://www.healthystrokes.com/, and I hope it is something that can help you (and me).

The link I posted doesn't always work, if not try http://www.healthystrokes.com/mast.html