Situational Retarded Ejaculation

I have two questions. I have R.E. but also tend to lose my erection because when I start thinking about not being able to cum during sex I just don't feel that horny anymore. Can losing your erection be part of the whole R.E. thing? Or is it a seperate problem?

Could somebody explain this whole sensat focus treatment thing because we are going to a sex therapist who says she wants us to try it but I read here that it doesn't work. Is this true? Thanks.

Steve. Here is a link to an explanation of the classic Masters and Jonnson Sensate Focus technique. However, note that the therapy, when it is used for retarded ejaculation, is somewhat different. For RE the therapy relies on the fact that most men with RE can masturbate themselves to orgasm. This situation is then broken down into two subgroups. Those men who can masturbate themselves to orgasm with a partner present and those who can only achieve orgasm while masturbating alone. In men with RE it is usually found that the breakdown is about 50/50. About half of the patients can and half cannot orgasm with a partner present.

If the man can maturbate to orgasm with a partner present then he does that first. Then the couple moves on to having the partner do the masturbating. This is also combined with the graduated touching exercizes mentioned in the explantion (see link) In the final stages the partner masturbates the patient until he reaches the point of no return and he then quickly inserts his penis into her vagina and he (hopefully)ejaculates. It is a bit clumsy and takes practice but in milder forms of RE this therapy usually works.

In men who cannot ejaculate in a partner's presence the patient is told to masturbate in another room while thinking about his partner. No porn or other stimulation is allowed. Men who frequently us porn to achieve orgasm must stop using it for a few weeks before the therapy is started. When he feels he is ready the man then attempts to masturbate himself in the same room with a partner. usually with her sitting on a chair across from him. He if is successful then she moves onto the bed with him and he again masturbates himself. After a few times doing this she then attempts to masturbate him. If this works then the therapy is continued as explained above. This may or may not be proceeded or intergrated with touching as in the classic Sensate Focus technique.

For men who cannot ejaculate with a partner present the therapy sometimes hits a roadblock in two instances: 1- when the man attempts to masturbate himself to orgasm with a partner in the room or 2- when the partner takes over and attempts to masturbate the patient to orgasm. In severe cases of RE the Sensate Focus therapy usually fails at either of these two points and a different approach is needed- one that puts less pressure to ejaculate on the patient. Intensive psyochsexual therapy is also usually indicated in cases of severe RE when Sensate Focus fails.

oops forgot the link...here it is:

http://www.minou.com/adultsexuality/sensate_focus.htm

It sounds as if you are describing two things: age related retarded ejaculation which is fairly common and has nothing to do with psychological difficulties. An the other seems also to be a normal and common occurance- retarded or delayed ejaculation caused by situational factors such as stress or fatigue ie: after a long hard day at the office.

Most of the men who have posted here are suffering from the constant inability to ejaculate with a partner and this type of retarded/absent ejaculation is indeed caused by psychological problems, some very severe.

As someone involved in sexual dysfunction research for many years what I have found on this website is a fairly accurate compilation of both current knowledge and treatments for psychogenic ejaculatory disorders. Masters and Johnson, Helen Singer Kaplan and Bernard Apfelbaum have all been cited and are all recognized specialists in the field of sexual dysfunction and as with most therapists dealing with problems that often have causitive influences in childhood and family of origin issues, Fruedian theory is the base upon which they built thier individual approached to therapy.

Thanks for the clarification. I still believe there probably is more biochemistry than psychology at the root of the problem.

Any suggestions for me? In my situation, the biggest challenge seems to be just keeping the wife and I reasonably sexually satisfied. It can really be a challenge. It seems that her interest in sex is increasing as menopause progresses, while mine is decreasing.

It is weird--I still want to have sex, but that driving, almost savage urge I had in my younger years is gone. It is very odd.

Aging and sex are an interesting mix. About two months, I had some erectile dysfunction. I changed my daily vitamin supplament to a different brand for an entirely unrelated reason (i.e., I picked up the wrong stuff at the store), and then everything was fine.

Hi again Jimmy:

Sounds to me like both your erectile dysfunction and R.E. may not be age related in the physical sense (which is what I was talking about in my previous post) rather, they are symptoms of a lowered sexual desire. This too is a natural occurence as men's hormone levels (testosterone) dip as a natural result of aging. Testosterone levels peak in your late teen years and then begin to slowly drop in your 20's and go down at a slow and (for most men) fairly constant rate as the years go by. Usually this only starts to be noticed in late middle age.

With the lowered testosterone levels comes lowered desire. And the two classic sexual symptoms of lowered desire are erectile difficulty and retarded or absent ejaculation. This all gets a bit complicated as both these things can also be caused by such age related factors as vascular disease, and diabetes. And in younger men a different set of physiological and psychological factors can be a causitive factor as can a lack of attraction to the partner which can cause sexual dysfunction in men of al ages, especially those in long tern relationships. But in your case, because of your age and the fact that there still is sexual attraction to your wife, I would guess it is low testosterone that is causing the other problems.

The good news.... if this is in fact the case, is that tesosterone therapy is available and for those who do try it the results are quite dramatic. The doctor will do a simple blood test to measure testosterone levels and if they are low you can take medication such as a skin patch (similar to those used by smokers trying to quit) which releases the hormone slowly into your system. Many men say it makes them feel 20 years younger both sexually and just in general. A note of caution though, men with prostate problems cannot take testosterone therapy.

I'd get to the doctor for a thorough physical to rule out any other causes and, if indicated, get on the testosterone therapy.

You may be one of the lucky few who's R.E. can be easily treated.

Good idea...I'm also having hot flashes. (???) I just *love* getting old.

There is a HUGE difference between female anorgasmia and male retarded ejaculation. In women, not being able to cum during intercourse is very common. I think I read somewhere it happens to about 45% of women. The largest percentage (that I've seen) of
men with this problem is about 6% although I also read that it may be up to 20% because many men don't seek help for their R.E. For women the whole point of sex is to feel close to the partner. It is the intimacy they like. The orgasm is secondary. I would argue that for most men orgasm is the MAIN reason they have sex. This is why not being able to orgasm with a woman is such a serious problem for men with R.E. If they can't cum many men don't really see the point in having sex with a partner at all and also why they find it so stressful and frustrating. Any wonder why so many guys with R.E. just end up masturbating by themselves?

I'm not saying it isn't a problem. Clearly, men and women are distressed about it. My wife gets more upset about it than I do.

The most recent stats are that only 17% of women always have an orgasm during sex. Around 30% usually have an orgasm during sex.

While I understand your point that most men and women think the male orgasm is the "be all and end all" for the man, a man can enjoy sex without an orgasm.