Situational Retarded Ejaculation

"Guest", I wanted to thank you the time to write me all of these useful insights.

I thank you again. Much appreciated!

My wife and I tried sex therapy for my RE but after a year or so we were no better off. They gave us this homework stuff to do where we were not allowed to touch each other sexually, just give massages. This went on for a couple of weeks thhen I was allowed to masturbate with her beside me. That didn't work either. I pump away for 15 or 20 minutes and wouldn't even come close to ejaculating. When I masturbate by myself I can orgasm in about two minutes. So sex therapy was just a big waste of time and money. But there is a happy ending to the story. Before I was married I never had any problems having an orgasm with what I called my "wild" girls. These were usually women I met in bars or strip clubs. They sex with them was always way better than when I actually had a "normal" girlfriend who most of the time would just lie there and expect me to do all the work. I wanted to get married and have kids but I sure as hell knew that marrying one of my sexually "fun" girls would only bring me grief as they were mostly pretty unstable. When I married my wife who was a sweet, nice normal girl I immediately realized I couldn't orgasm my any means with her. It caused alot of friction and took a few years before we figured out what to do. We started watching porn during sex and that seems to have fixed the problem. I get both a good normal woman for a wife and what my wife calls my "floozies" at the same time. So for it's been working out great although my wiife keeps her eyes closed because she hates porn. So the other guy who posted about this being a way to overcome retarded ejaculation is right about that.

Hello "Just another married guy" & everyone else out there,

My boyfriend who has RE feels the exact same way about therapy: he feels that it would be a waste and would not achieve much, but he is willing to go through it, if that is what i want to do.

But, considering that my boyfriend is young (31), would his solution be to go with "wild girls"as "Just another married guy" mentioned? I know that before me, he didn't have that many girlfriends. And, ones that he had in the past, he would not be able to have an orgasm. So, would "wild girls" be his solution? Especially, that now, as i feel that he's really gained confidence in himself and changing a bit, maybe he feels that he could get better?

I mean, i've been in situations, for example at a wedding, in which a girl completely came on to him. I was right in front of them. But, it was as if I was not there, like we were not a couple. That same evening, i told him that it really bothered me, and that it was in a way a lack of respect for me. He told me that the music was so loud, and as we were sitting across one another, it was easier to speak with her as she was seated right beside him at the wedding.

Even though i had expressed that i was upset by this, the next day at lunch, the girl came straight to him and asked us to sit with her and her boyfriend. I was of course not going to be rude and act like an idiot so we sat again with that couple. Next thing, I know, the girl again is coming on very strongly to my boyfriend, but he does not put any boundaries, and here they are, talking away on a one to one conversation that seemed pretty serious and i felt like a complete idiot. So, I went to the bathroom to calm my nerves down. I come back and same thing, it's as if i'm not there. Finally, the girl's boyfiriend says that they have to leave. So, she gets up and starts getting close to him, as if whispering something to his hear. I could tell my boyfriend was getting uncomfortable and didn't really reply to her as if he was avoiding a situation. I then asked him if the girl asked him for his number. I was so furious and upset, amost crying. He then tried to comfort me, saying that nothing had happened, and that the girl wanted OUR phone number as she thought we were such a nice couple (yeah right!). He told me that the poor girl was going through problems with her boyfriend, and that he had cheated on her 3 times, and was asking my boyfriend for advice and what she should do. I then tried to explain to my boyfriend that he should have stopped the conversation with her, and that it was in a way a lack of respect for me.

There have been other instances, like that. Her's another example, I find out 3 months afterwards, that there was a beautiful girl working with him, and that they had become extremely close, having lunch, having coffee together, and that their relationship was getting a bit ambiguous, so he changed offices. You can imagine how this really made me panick as i found out about it later.

We can never have calm conversations about it, as he gets all pissed off at me, saying that nothing is going on with other girls, and that i am just intensily paranoid and extremely jealous. So, we've never worked it out, and I feel like i cannot trust him.

Today, we've taken a "break" as we've had so many arguments about this etc, and we both stand strongly on our positions : me telling him that he has ambiguous relationships with other girls, and him telling me that I'm an extremely jealous person and that he is guilty of nothing. So a very difficult relationship at the moment.

We do talk on occasion, but I guess we're both very scared, hesitant, and wandering if our relationship is a healthy one. He can't stand all the fights and i guess i've lost trust in him.

I guess my question is -> is his behaviour with other women due to RE (and the unconscious fact that he is disatisfied with me, and hence uncousciously needs to look elsewhere, but cannot admit it to himself), or just the fact that he does not really love me?

Anyone's feedback would be more than welcome on this! Thanks.

Some guys with RE are totally freaked out about having to please and perform for somebody they really care about. For the so-called wild girls-- the hookers, strippers, bar floozies etc, the man doesn't worry about pleasing them, only himself. So that's why some RE guys don't have any problems having an orgasm with these women. It just depends how much he cares. As for a guy trying to pick up another girl or allowing himself to be seduced, the only thing I can think of is many guys with RE have very low self esteem so they might be more vulnerable than other men when it comes to ANY woman showing interest. Deep down inside though, he realizes he will just dissapoint her in the long run unless she is a total slut. Then, like I said he doesn't care and very well may be able to cum with her.

Thanks alot RayO, that really helps.

So, does this mean that he is with me "out of spite", cause he knows that he would potentially disappoint other girls, & so doesn"t want to risk it?

I mean, what I am supposed to do, just close my eyes and pretend like it's not happening, when he's being seduced by another girl in front of me and him actually really enjoying it? How do you deal with a situation like that? And, how do i know, that one day, he won't cross the boundary?

Situational Retarded Ejaculation (I'm guessing this is what he has) only really becomes a major problem for a man when he gets married. Before marriage he can just move on to another woman when he finds he can't orgasm. Many guys with this problem spend years putting off marriage and going from one short term relationship to another. Whether this is what is going on in your case I don't know.
The lucky ones find someone who they are comfortable with and the RE never happens. For some the RE won't start for months or rarely years, into a relationship. You can imagine how frustrating it can be for a man who wants to settle down. He may find a woman who he doesn't have the problem with at first but the worry that it will suddenly start is always there and this worrying in itself can make the problem happen. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and have patience. He is struggling with the worst sexual dysfunction a man can have.

Hi "RayO", he doesn't have situational RE but has regular RE. We've now been together for 3 years, and in that time, he has only cum twice. He told me that with his past girlfriend, he also suffered from RE.

I would never blame him for having RE, I cannot. On the contrary, I have compassion and try to put myself in his place, thinking that it must indeed be extremely tormenting. And, that i would not want someone to walk out on me if i had this problem. All I can do is help him, try to understand, and try to work it out with him. Especially as I really care about him.

BUT, I don't think I should be put in situations that hurt me. As I was saying, seeing the one that you love, being seduced by another girl, and him really enjoying it, and responding to it, is extremely painful for me & just so out of line. Like I said, this has happened many times in front of my eyes, so I don't even want to imagine what it's like when I'm not around (for example at his office)?

I don't think that because my boyfriend has RE, this is a good enough excuse to behave like that with other girls and consequently making me suffer alot. No? Or, am I just not getting it? I can deal with the RE, but not his behaviour with girls, that's just way out of line for me.

Please let me know what you think, or anyone else. Thanks!

I have a message for the men here who have retarded ejaculation. I think it's important that you read this.

Think for a moment under what circumstances you are truly relaxed and happy sexually. I'll bet most of you would say "when I am masturbating alone" No problems then right? No performance anxiety, no numb penis, no feeling you have to please and perform. Just an enjoyable build up to orgasm which can arrive as quickly or a slowly as you yourself want.

And when do you dread sex? With a partner? Especially with a partner you care about and desperately want to be "normal" with sexually?

And who is giving you grief about this? Your wife, your girlfriend, your therapist, yourself? And if it is yourself is it because all those other people are giving you grief too? Do you feel like a freak, less than a man? Has your self esteem been pounded into the ground?

Just think for a moment that what if....there was really NOTHING wrong with you. That your body is just reacting in a natural way to a sex act that deep down inside you really don't like anyway? How does a lesbian feel if she is forced into sex with a man? How does a gay guy feel if he is forced to give a woman an orgasm (and have one himself?)

After much research I agree with the person who posted here awhile back talking about Autosexuality or Asexuality as it is more popularly known? What if you were born with a natural preference for masturbation? There is such a thing you know. It is hidden away and rarely talked about because just as homosexuality was a taboo subject for generations and just as gay people were persecuted and called perverts, Asexual people are called sick, selfish, porn addicts, wimps and yes, perverts.

I am not saying every man who suffers from RE is Asexual. But many are and the RE is simply a symptom of the body and mind's revulsion with partner sex. You may not even realize it. We are brainwashed from childhood to believe that sex with another person is the natural order of things and sex with yourself is somehow wrong. And if you fail to respond sexually in what is considered an appropriate manner, you are considered sexually dysfunctional...a sexual failure.

Asexuals (of both sexes) can fall in love, get married, have children, date- do everything anyone else can do. But they have great difficulty becoming sexually aroused by other people. Fantasy and masturbation is what they prefer sexually.

We are not selfish, we don't fear intimacy, we just choose to express our feelings for others in different ways, outside the bedroom. We can be excellent mothers, fathers, husbands and wives. As a matter of fact may of us work much harder at our marriages to make up for the lack of sex. And many of us make the supreme show of love, we engage in sexual activities with our partners just to please them even though we ourselves would really rather be just about anywhere else at that time.

Asexuality is a sexual pursuasion (for lack of a better word) just like hetro, bi and homosexuality. Just as real, just as valid.

So many men and women have spent a lifetime of hurt, embarrasment, anger and low self esteem trying to swim against the current just to fit into societies mold. Men suffer from erectile problems and retarded ejaculation, woman are unable to orgasm or lubricate properly-- and both feel a mild to severe uneasiness and revulsion when having sex with a partner, even somebody they love.

I think it's time we stopped all this hurtful nonsense- wasting money on no nothing therapists, spending hours reading and scanning the internet for answers that are not there. It is time we forgave ourselves and like homosexuals before us we should stand together and support one another.

Here's a good place to start:

http://asexuality.org/discussion/index. ... 0300b19668

We all deserve a little peace of mind.

For those who think their inablity to ejaculate with a sexual partner is due to an addiction to masturbation and porn, here is a link to an in depth discussion on the psychology of this problem. This is one of the best internet pieces I've read on the subject:

http://open-mind.org/News/SLA/14.htm

What a great site, thank you for sharing.

I may add some of the articles in compulsive lying and drug and alcohol addiction too, I see sublinks relating.

Unless you would like to contribute it.

Once again thank you for the resource, and for taking the time to assist those in need here.