Sexless marriage

I posted under "Sex Addict" forum but was told I'm not an addict but still looking for something... a place to vent? Not sure what I'm looking for because I believe it's truly hopeless.

My wife went through menopause going on 12 years ago and her libido died immediately. Of the three times we had sex the next 11 years, two were not worth the effort but I appreciated her interest. We both did some HRT last summer and the sex was the best ever! But, her gynecologist told her it was too risky health-wise so she quit. Now we're back to where we started.

Problem is, that brief period reawakened my libido and now it's a problem. I have tried to reach that level of stimulation through masturbation and I can't do it without sex toys, which just feels too weird to me. I have some available now because of our brief renewed HRT period... we incorporated them for the first time ever. I never used to look at other women like I do now and that bothers me because I'm totally committed to my wife. Affairs and divorce are not an option in my rational mind. My emotional self considers the options but I don't believe that the cost/benefit is worth the risk, one cost being that I couldn't live with myself if I did that to her. She's had enough crap happen to her, I want to be the one she can count on.

I recently tried meditation which I hadn't done in 40 years and it seemed to work. If I can't change the situation, then maybe I can change how I respond to the situation. Mind you, we're very affectionate and hold hands frequently throughout the day. It's not sex or nothing. Just recently it occurred to me that I have a psychological need for sex greater than my physiological need. I'm 62 and my T levels were below normal before my HRT and probably returned there even though I work out as often as I can (limited by recovery time). That's what caused me to post in the addiction forum and try meditation, to address the mental aspects.

I've read probably all the suggestions for rekindling sex in such a marriage but they never work. She still thinks that maybe she can restore some interest but history tells me otherwise. The motivation is not there for her so we don't get to square one.

I don't expect anyone to solve my problem but I can't talk to anyone else about this out of respect for my wife so this is my only outlet because it's anonymous.

Since it seems like there's a biological aspect to your wife's current lack of interest. It's a shame, but not surprising. That most methods to rekindle it won't work. Since the ones I've read are often assuming a psychological or emotional issue.

Has she spoken to her gyn or doctor about this issue specifically? Maybe there are more targeted approaches than HRT. Which would be appropriate here.

Honestly! I am having a hard time comprehending your situation..
My age and situation differ from yours greatly, but it seems like you and your wife's line of communication is open, which is great!

I am amazed at the infrequency of the sexual encounters, but think it is great that you are addressing the problem and that she (at least verbally) seems to be willing to try to find a mutual place!

I understand your psychological need for sexual intimacy. It has most indeed been strengthened by your lack of physical encounters over time and I empathize with you. It is fantastic that you can open up here, and I highly encourage doing so! Especially if you have no other outlets considering the situation.

I do think that specifically addressing the problem with a doctor could be useful, like Ada said.