Performance anxiety help!!!

I'm man in his late 20's.
I'm 'basically' a virgin. I had sex very briefly with only one girl who I knew from school quite a while ago. I've had a fair few opportunities with other girls, though, but I've never been able to capitalise on them opportunities, and so my life is starting to feel like it is destined to be full of frustration and regret when i'm on my death-bed.

When I'm with a new girl, I am so nervous,with a pounding heart and tense muscles and dry mouth that it's IMPOSSIBLE to get hard, no matter how gorgeous the girl is. It feels like i'm at a job interview! It's like my body is having some sort or 'fight or flight' moment. My fear is basically the fear of not getting an erection (since i've had prior failures) and it's kind of a self-fullfilling vicious circle!

I can get hard in seconds if i'm watching porn, for example, though.(so i'm confident it's an anxiety issue)

People will recommend Even viagra, but it is known to generally NOT be of much use when someone is so nervous that their 'fight or flight response it kicking in!!(

Now, I've heard of beta blockers that musicians and people take for 'performance anxiety' so i'm really curious if anyone knows if that could help with my sexual performance anxiety issues.'(but then, one of the possible side effects of betablockers is actually ED!!)

And there's also something called 'alpha blockers' which has piqued my interest, too after hearing a few people claim it helped them in this regard.

And I also wonder how a more typical, general anxiety medication would help, as i'm an anxious person in general.

I'd LOVE to hear from people who know about this and can maybe give me some success stories with the medication above in relation to sexual nerves/anxiety etc!

It's killing me!

...

Perhaps you could see if you can reply to anyone else's thread? We do always have many more people asking questions than answering them. But none of us are experts [except on our own lives.] So generally any sensible response is welcome.

And the same for anyone reading here and thinking about replying. Go for it!

Ada wrote:Perhaps you could see if you can reply to anyone else's thread? We do always have many more people asking questions than answering them. But none of us are experts [except on our own lives.] So generally any sensible response is welcome.

And the same for anyone reading here and thinking about replying. Go for it!

Fair point. I've since answered some peoples questions.

To be honest, i've done so much reading about my particular question that i'm not even bothered about getting replies anymore as I don't think anyone can help!! I've found lots of people online with the same issues, but none who seem to have found the 'fix'!

Hi

I've been taking beta blockers for around 7 weeks for anxiety and panic attacks, so I feel I can give you some info on them at least.
My panic attacks were quite severe and even though I was working on desensitizing every day, my heart would still pound and cause more worry, creating new areas of panic
My therapist mentioned Propranolol 40mg and how it can normalise areas of life where anxiety is proving tough.
You take one a day, or one an hour before an anxious situation, and then if you feel you may need more, some people take more every few hours. I take one daily and then when I'm aiming to overcome a fear I may take another.
It's worth discussing it with your doctor... they don't expect you to take it forever but enough for your mind and body to stop "fight or flight".

chuchu wrote:Hi

I've been taking beta blockers for around 7 weeks for anxiety and panic attacks, so I feel I can give you some info on them at least.
My panic attacks were quite severe and even though I was working on desensitizing every day, my heart would still pound and cause more worry, creating new areas of panic
My therapist mentioned Propranolol 40mg and how it can normalise areas of life where anxiety is proving tough.
You take one a day, or one an hour before an anxious situation, and then if you feel you may need more, some people take more every few hours. I take one daily and then when I'm aiming to overcome a fear I may take another.
It's worth discussing it with your doctor... they don't expect you to take it forever but enough for your mind and body to stop "fight or flight".

Hi.
I went to my GP for the first time EVER yesterday, regarding the anxiety i've suffered for the last few decades!
He wouldn't actually give me any pills, though
He mentioned some possible talking therapy, but I really don't think that'll do anything! I'm sure nobody can tell me anything new or something that I don't already know that will actually help!

So I bypassed my Doc and bought some betablockers online.
Have they been helping you? Is is the first 'anxiety medication' you've taken?

It would be a miracle if I was able to to reduce my anxiety in sexual situations where nerves make it very difficult to get an erection. I can actually feel it shrink when i'm nervous. I don't know if that's the same for everyone?? (nervousness=shrinkage?)
Like earlier I had to do something which made me a little nervous, and as I was waiting to see the person, my heart was beating quite fast and I had a few butterflies. I then happened to touch my penis and I could feel how it had shrunk. It's like a curse, lol

Hi.
I went to my GP for the first time EVER yesterday, regarding the anxiety i've suffered for the last few decades!
He wouldn't actually give me any pills, though
He mentioned some possible talking therapy, but I really don't think that'll do anything! I'm sure nobody can tell me anything new or something that I don't already know that will actually help!

So I bypassed my Doc and bought some betablockers online.
Have they been helping you? Is is the first 'anxiety medication' you've taken?

It would be a miracle if I was able to to reduce my anxiety in sexual situations where nerves make it very difficult to get an erection. I can actually feel it shrink when i'm nervous. I don't know if that's the same for everyone?? (nervousness=shrinkage?)
Like earlier I had to do something which made me a little nervous, and as I was waiting to see the person, my heart was beating quite fast and I had a few butterflies. I then happened to touch my penis and I could feel how it had shrunk. It's like a curse, lol

First visit? aha well done!
Doctor's don't always like to hand out the medication on the first appointment for anxiety... I have history of anxiety and a therapist recommended the beta blockers, so my doctor made the decision to give it a try. Be careful where you buy them online though. I know some countries don't stock certain beta blockers though, so people resort to purchasing them online.

The first anxiety medication I took was Citalopram, which is used for Depression but it calms you down. I took it on and off because I didn't see much difference (I was blind to how much it actually was). It wasn't until my frequent panic attacks and high levels of anxiety late last year that I decided to take them properly and at a higher dosage. I believe this helps me to sleep somewhat better at night, as well as being generally more relaxed, though it doesn't stop the palpitations, sweating etc...
Propranolol is what sorted that out and I wouldn't of made the progress I have without it. It gives you the reassurance that when you face a nervous situation you won't feel completely rubbish.
I rely on them but only until I get my body back into normal mode for daily things.

With beta blockers, like you mentioned there may be side effects on your sex life, but there are various blockers out there if that happens. Tbh, I'm not sure on the shrinkage thing, but maybe your nerves make you tense up? (don't know much about willies sorry! P:) It probably doesn't help that you seem to focus on how your anxiety effects your ability to get an erection, so your body is doing it more than you would want? It's difficult to come up with a solution to help, besides the medication, because you can't really desentatize that easily with your main anxiety concern. When I felt like I couldn't be far away from my house in fear of a panic attack and needing the toilet, I would gradually expose myself in getting further and further from my house. I can now do it in cars, but I'm still working on walking long distances like I used to. I'd suggest maybe getting yourself into the anxiety state you get into when you're with a girl and then try to get an erection? Like, you could work on getting through nerves by focusing on something else? I've read that laughing really helps with anxiety, so you could spark some fun conversations that make you laugh? If you do it and manage it enough times, then your body will respond with less nerves? I'm not sure tbh, but I hope you find a way

chuchu wrote:
First visit? aha well done!
Doctor's don't always like to hand out the medication on the first appointment for anxiety... I have history of anxiety and a therapist recommended the beta blockers, so my doctor made the decision to give it a try. Be careful where you buy them online though. I know some countries don't stock certain beta blockers though, so people resort to purchasing them online.

I haven't taken them yet, but they are from a legitimate source in the UK where you have an 'online consultation'. You pay over-the-odds, but at least you get what you want.
I've not taken any yet.

chuchu wrote:Propranolol is what sorted that out and I wouldn't of made the progress I have without it. It gives you the reassurance that when you face a nervous situation you won't feel completely rubbish.
I rely on them but only until I get my body back into normal mode for daily things.

Does it stop the butterflies in your stomach? That, along with the fast heartbeat are what I mainly feel when i'm anxious. I kind of feel like, without those 'symptoms' I wouldn't even *know* that i'm nervous, if that makes sense. That's why they appeal to me.
And yes, I only plan to use them for things like job interviews (where I wouldn't feel confident spelling my own name due to anxiety!)

chuchu wrote: It's difficult to come up with a solution to help, besides the medication, because you can't really desentatize that easily with your main anxiety concern. When I felt like I couldn't be far away from my house in fear of a panic attack and needing the toilet, I would gradually expose myself in getting further and further from my house

I'm glad you understand my problem! That's it's kind of impossible to 'practice' and desensitise myself due to the nature of my main concern of anxiety! I can only really think of using prostitutes!!
There's no point in using girls that i've been with in the past, because i'm able to get hard with them and they don't give me anxiety. I guess because I know them etc.
But I want to get over my anxiety with 'new' girls!

chuchu wrote: I'd suggest maybe getting yourself into the anxiety state you get into when you're with a girl and then try to get an erection?

That's a nice idea and one that i was playing with for a while, but firstly, it's just kind of not really practical. (Not sure what the guy interviewing me for a job would say If I whipped out my dick whilst he's interviewing me!!! )
But the real reason is, I don't think that's how it works! By that, I mean from the reading i've done on various sites, basically a guy CAN'T get erect if he's tooo anxious. There must be a cut off point. I mean, most guys are nervous the first time they have sex. But most people probably 'succeed' on their first attempt at a guess. But if someone is so nervous that their 'fight or flight' instincts are kicking in, I tihnk the body makes it impossible to get hard.
So that would suggest that the trick is to try to be less nervous as opposed to learning how to get hard when you're really nervous (at least that's what I think)

The first time I had sex I was nervous, but I was also in a playful situation with a girl I knew well and so I was OK. But I'm trying to learn how to be able to 'move on' with new girls who I don't necessarily 'know' at all. I'm not able to take advantage of one-night-stands for example, which most guys tend to be able to enjoy, and i'd like too as well

cheers

Hi, subterfuge!

I think it is totally understandable to be anxious about a new sexual encounter, and I applaud your willingness to explore your frustration with this forum!

I am wondering, have you had any long-term emotional partners, or been in relationships where you've had an opportunity to discuss this situation with someone over a longer period of time?

Communication about this sort of thing, I've found, is much easier to deal with when it is articulated and grown into over multiple encounters and experiences, with a trusted partner.

IntimateLady wrote:Hi, subterfuge!

I think it is totally understandable to be anxious about a new sexual encounter, and I applaud your willingness to explore your frustration with this forum!

I am wondering, have you had any long-term emotional partners, or been in relationships where you've had an opportunity to discuss this situation with someone over a longer period of time?

Communication about this sort of thing, I've found, is much easier to deal with when it is articulated and grown into over multiple encounters and experiences, with a trusted partner.

Hi.
No, i've not. Not really.
There was a girl I was sleeping with on-and-off, but I never really had any 'problems' with her, so there was nothing to speak about, really.
i've never really had a proper 'relationship' with anyone as i'm an odd-ball due to my social anxiety!