Various intrusive issues based on past experiences

Ok this is a long one, first of all hello. I can maybe copy and paste this somewhere else or this can be moved later on. There might be some triggering stuff about abuse in here and I probably cover several different problems here but since all the problems have manifested the way they have, I feel this is the most suitable place to post.I am going to post about events in my life that start at the most present point and then go backwards. I attempted to go backwards chronologically but at times it veered.

My main problems on a daily basis are intrusive thoughts regarding my sexual identity. Generally I would say I could be attracted to anyone. I can feel intimate, romantic emotional attachments to women quickly without any sort of physicality but never usually express this and have never had a real openly loving relationship with anyone except maybe one person. I also fantasise about women sexually a lot, but most of my experience sexually in life has been with men. I feel like my sexuality is quite fluid but have serious problems embracing that. I dwell on my past a lot to try and derive some rigid facts which at times feels counteractive to finding relief.

I'm not a sexually active person at this moment and haven't been intimate with anyone for quite some time. My last intimate experience was with a female several years ago. I've never had straight sex and this is the closest I have come to doing so. I enjoyed what we did and I still think about it fondly, but I felt guilty and ashamed afterwards. I felt she may have regretted the encounter and I also worried about other peoples perception of the occasion, even though having an insecurity about the latter is absurd I’ve found myself unable to accept that and just behave instinctively.

Before this event I was sexually inactive for another shorter period but had previously had a lot of homosexual activity with family members. These family members were older than me but did not pass beyond the age gap that's considered coercive here. This period of my life was in my teen years more or less and I don't consider those specific events as particularly coercive or anything like that. I didn’t feel as much guilt or shame towards these events, I think that might be because they felt more secretive at the time and therefore I felt less exposed as no one knew about them but there could be other elements too such as they were maybe more to my nature sexually. Also as time has passed I've become aware that people now know about these events, So the same insecurities that I had immediately after my experience with the girl have now emerged here and might be worse because of the fact that the events occurred more often and are considered disturbing in comparison.

I think my vulnerability at that time combined with a desire to experiment and lack of ability to trust or get to know new people led me down that path at that point in time. I suffered a traumatic non-sexual event in the years before this time, this in part has led me to have serious intimacy problems in my adult life and also possibly contributed to my behaviour at this time.

It's the next few passages here about my life that lately I am beginning to struggle with slightly. Many of my earliest memories in life are highly sexual. These involve someone I’ve mentioned above and were at a very early age. I understand that children are curious and that some even repress embarrassing memories of their behaviour at an early age because of how outlandish they can be to their own psyche. I have other "normalised" memories of this kind of activity but this exceeded that. I could probably say I participated in every type of same sex activity by the time I was 3 or 4 years old. This doesn’t include “conventional” anal penetration, I wouldn’t rule it out but I can’t vividly remember such an event. I also think from a physiological point of view it would be difficult at that age although I did get erect at that early an age (As a side note when I did participate in the act at a more acceptable age an erection never maintained and it only ever really felt sightly better than indifferent at best. This fact contributes to the intrusion I suffer these days about my sexuality). This activity lasted a couple of years.

Another memory that has troubled me lately is around the time in my childhood between the periods of my sexual activity, some where around my pre-teen years. This involved the other person involved in the early sexual activity telling me to never tell anyone about what we used to do. I can remember the feeling of discomfort and fear or embarrassment when this person said that to me. Not long after that we resumed that old behaviour. I've thought maybe it's possible that this person told me not to tell anyone because they were ashamed of their sexuality or just embarrassed, but is it possible that they felt guilty because they possibly took advantage of me slightly? I can’t say the majority of our activity, especially everything during my teen years was not consensual. I don't dislike this person although I did at times growing up but I think that was due to other outside influences and also just how kids can be ambivalent and have rivalries. I’m confused about how I should look back on these early years of my life. I feel a little bit violated by the early events looking back but I am not resentful or angry towards anyone in particular.

During the few years between my early childhood and pre-teens/teens when I was not engaged in any abnormal sexual behaviour, I was physically abusive to another family member who could be considered much younger than me, beyond the threshold of consenting age that’s talked about here anyway. This was not sexual at this time but I’ll use that age threshold as a reference point here. I feel I was very cruel to them, it was not much more than how normal siblings behave towards each other when fighting but because of the age gap I was the far more dominant person and was easily able to hurt and bully this person which I did. At a later point in life I feel like I almost groomed this person and did in fact engage in minor sexual acts a handful of times (tickling, touching of a semi-sensitive area once). I refrained beyond this point which is the only redeemable thing I have contributed to our relationship. I still think we are on good terms but my behaviour towards this person in the past affects me more than anything else I will mention. I have extreme guilt regarding these memories as this person and I developed a very strong bond outside of both our control.

I also have body issues and am insecure showing myself to anybody. This has been the case forever. I used to skip gym classes a lot and never learned how to swim because i was never ok with being around others undressed. This led me to not taking part in a lot of activities that isolated me a little bit as a kid, although I still enjoyed playing when I could control my environment. I feel like these neuroses have progressed into my adult life now. I have also become embarrassed now about the subject of sex and sexuality when I am amongst others. I’ve seemingly developed an obsession around the topic, subjects that don’t involve it will lead me towards it, after all sex is only really one degree away in any conversation. It really saddens me that I’m wasting so much energy on these thoughts when it could be focussed somewhere else to create good memories for myself and others.

I feel like it's possible that I or the other person I engaged in the early activity with have some repressed memories from an extremely early age that involve abuse, as it would explain some of the abnormal childhood behaviour and insecurities afterwards. It could be me just creating memories for some sort of false narrative to help me deal with the person I am though, for instance sometimes I think I could be over exaggerating the circumstances of my same sex past experiences because I have developed a heteronormative outlook and can’t accept being gay, even though I find the idea of being involved sexually with most men nowadays not a particularly enticing idea, I’m really not sure. What I know now is that I’ve come to a point in my life where I can try to rationalise all of my experiences to an extent that will possibly give me relief from my current problems.

I come from a traditional religious background where I think abuse in different forms was rife through generations, but that anyone who has ever been a victim or perpetrator has for whatever reason brushed their past under the carpet. If I hold any anger it’s not towards specific people but more towards society and systemic oppression and repression that people have had to feel. I feel like I can either do nothing to break these cycles and help others or that I am too weak to do so and this turns my anger on myself quite a bit. Paradoxically It’s possible that with changing norms in society I am becoming quite bitter and resentful of the freedoms and security younger generations have too. I feel this may be what happened to older generations before me and I begin to despair for the future when I think like this whilst continuing to feel more anger towards myself for having these notions. This outlook on society that’s probably stemmed from my experiences has led me to become an extremely cynical and quite paranoid person. I struggle to make new bonds and am struggling to preserve old ones.

Thanks for reading

Hi, agywih!

I have no experience with sexual abuse or inappropriate(or at least seeming)sexual behavior at younger ages, but I can speak to your frustration with your current psychological state and frustration with the current state of society.

I think it's great that you are addressing these feelings and truly analyzing your past to find helpful puzzle pieces of your current predicament. I also find myself dwelling on my past, and while I think it can be constructive, you must also be accepting of who you are now. Though you may feel society makes it impossible to feel and act freely(which society often does), do not feel lost, for you are surrounded by people who are going to through similar, hidden sexual struggles as well.

With places like these forums we are lucky to find people who are also in places of fear in their life, and holding out an 'olive branch'. I say this not to de-value your situation, but to take hold of your olive branch.

Rationalization can only go so far in such an irrational world, and I do hope you can find peace and a healthy relationship with your introspection.

Thanks for posting. I know it's a kind of unwritten rule here that we should all try and interact by replying to other peoples topics so that's probably contributed to why I hadn't got a response, I know many more probably post than reply.
I'm finding it hard to maybe help others out here as I've only started to really delve into my own issues lately. I hate talking about myself to other people in real life and would rather listen and understand them so I think that might be why I'm the opposite here. Getting the initial post out helped. I spent about half a week in bed during that time and it took me a whole day to prepare it.
Talking about acceptance is interesting. When I think of how you've phrased it in your post, relating it to myself it makes me angry. The main reason for that is because I think I can personally accept the kind of person that I am, but I'm not brave enough or am too weak to maybe show others, or defy people who disagree with me because I'm scared of them. There are both of those kinds of people in my life and I do not stand up for myself and express how I really feel to either, it's strange. That's the part of acceptance I find difficult. I don't even know what it is I'm standing up for sometimes, I think it's mainly against people that don't accept others ways of lifestyle when it's not hurting anyone but it's also standing up and showing someone that you love them with an expression of love or even just sharing pleasure for the sake of fun and enjoyment. I feel like at this point I'm not strong enough to love or be loved, I also don't think I'm strong enough to give or receive sexual pleasure without feeling intense remorse. I don't want to accept that I'm not strong enough for these things.
Posting here has been a start. One of my main practical problems in life regarding these things is that I don't have anyone I can talk to and trust. I've contemplated beginning to scratch the surface with a few people, but I fear that forgetfulness, denial or defensiveness on the part of other people will skewer my current neutral approach that I'm trying to take towards events.
I don't really see a corner in regards to these things for a while because I feel like some of the practical things that I need to be stronger, such as a sense of identity in terms of who I am outside of this realm, need to be catered to. So until I can achieve some arbitrary practical things that some of us need to do, I can't even imagine imagining corners. It annoys me that the majority of youth and maybe even life as a whole might be done before I get there but at this point getting there would be an achievement in itself. (It being a place where I'm a stronger, happier, sexually active person)

I think just being there for someone can go such a long way, even if it isn't "acceptance" of ideals. Being to able to look at yourself, and your choices, and be comfortable with them (even if it's a solitary act), is very strong, and a feat in itself! So don't discount it!

Depending on various factors.. your geographical location, the people you're surrounded with.. you could receive positive or negative feedback on your situation when you start opening up. Regardless! I think exploring how you personally feel and see yourself, and being confident in that, can prepare you for any kind of second-party response.

I wish you the best!