Straight with gay porn addiction that has affected my life

Hi everyone,

My problem is very complex and I have tried to combat it on my own but am failing. I need help. I have developed an incredibly disgusting porn addiction since I was exposed to it at 12. I am now almost 20 and it has severely affected my sex life. My addiction started in a strange way- I was on google images innocently looking up cartoon characters to draw when an image of a naked man in a bathtub came up (it was a picture from a gay porn site with the same name as the character, Way Big). I had no urge to look at porn, and wasn't gay, but it peaked my curiosity and I clicked on the link. I wasn't attracted to it, but I developed a pattern of secretly looking at the website and just scanning the pages. I wasn't even masturbating at first (I was barely pubescent). Eventually, I began to masturbate to it and expanded my masturbation to straight porn as well. I started looking at straight porn for a while but at some point, I returned to gay porn. I continued to masturbate almost exclusively to gay porn up until graduating high school. I didn't even think there was anything wrong with my behavior- I had conditioned myself to know what sites to go to, etc. I regularly had feelings of shame after ejaculating. This addiction grew impulsive. I found out about an app called grindr and, in the final month of high school, when the impulse arose strongly enough, I finally downloaded it and justified that I needed to "see if I liked it and was gay." I used it to get a blowjob from a random person. Afterwards, I decided I didn't like it and I was happy I tried it so I could put my worries to rest. I took a few weeks off from masturbating, then returned to it and chose to look at straight porn. About a month or so after, I got an uncontrollably strong impulse to look at gay porn. Within a day, I arranged and received another blowjob. I was unhappy about it right afterwards and hated myself. It was seedy and gross. Somehow, I had developed a split personality: normal me, who was a fully functional member of society who romantically liked girls, and "horny" me, who had unbelievable impulse control issues that sought out risky, increasingly graphic/odd porn and sexual encounters. I should note that I had never had a sexual experience or dated a girl. I liked women but quite honestly, felt strangely satisfied just looking at shocking porn. Long story short, I got the 2 blowjobs leading up to college. I told myself that I swore off to ever do something gay again- it wasn't who I am and it needed to be left with high school. In the first 2 weeks, I set up a discreet blowjob with a college guy. I impulsively went to his dorm, got blown, snuck out, and literally went out to a party with new friends an hour later. It was as if I had learned how to completely shut off my disgusting side when the urge subsided (when I ejaculated). I stopped looking at porn after this. A few weeks later, I had my first experience with a girl. She actively pursued me and I invited her back to my room. We made out. It was a huge deal for me. I didn't take it any farther because I didn't have the prior experience to know how to. I had never been with anyone that I cared about. The several times I hooked up with guys were purely about their bodies- it felt like meat. With her, I felt like I actually definitely liked women. We fought before we could hook up again. That was the only time I hooked up with anyone during my freshman year. Towards the end of the year, I found myself reverting to gay porn. I would spend up to 8 hours masturbating in bed in my single dorm room, looking at repulsive, anonymous sexual encounters, avoiding human contact and not eating. I kept getting to the verge of setting up a hook up, but always backed out at the last minute because I knew I didn't want to. I was fighting a huge battle in my brain. I finally finished my freshman year and in June, I set up an encounter with a married guy in his 30s and had sex with him in his car. I felt absolutely disgusting afterwards. I have never felt as bad or low in my life, I cried a lot. I vowed never to do it again. I was serious. I didn't hook up with anyone for the rest of the summer. I started my sophomore year (this past fall) strong. I stayed away from gay porn. I occasionally slipped into masturbating, but it never got too intense and I kept trying to quit. It was during this time that I finally stumbled on information that clicked with me: I was a true porn addict. I fit all the boxes: it interfered with my day to day life, depression, isolation, etc. Eventually, at the end of the semester, I was able to take a girl home. She blew me and I couldn't get an erection. I was so embarrassed and blamed it on being too drunk. It was the first time I thought that the gay porn had truly been messing with my sexual orientation because it was the first time I had the opportunity to get that far with a girl. I told myself I would never look at porn again. It had finally, publicly, affected my life. I spent winter break not watching porn. I caved over a month later (this past weekend). I impulsively tried masturbating to gay porn but wasn't getting an erection. Later that night, I went out and saw this girl again. We went back to her place and I was determined to perform but could not hold an erection. I felt humiliated. Then, today I impulsively told myself that I needed to "make sure I wasn't gay" by hooking up with a guy and seeing how it felt. I had an adult stranger come over and blow me. I was able to get an erection but I truly believe, as I have thought for over a year, that the reason that I find it sexually stimulating is because I find gay sex extremely taboo and wrong. It feels wrong and super risky. It feels like my brain has developed a crazy craving for riskiness that I would not engage in in my normal life. I immediately felt upset and knew that this really needs to be the end of it. I sincerely know I am not gay. I have no interest in ever dating a man or even letting it be public knowledge that I have experimented with men; I could never love a man. I want a relationship with a woman and could romantically fall in love with a girl. I am struggling to figure out what to make of my erectile dysfunction. I am scared to hook up with another girl because I am afraid I will not get a boner. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice on how I can kill this evil, impulsive side to me, please help me. Thank you in advance.

Hey there, and hugs. You're in a really awful spot.

There are so many things. Where to start.

First, technically, thru my eyes, I see you as being bisexual, at the least. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but bixsexuality is a huge, huge umbrella. It is possible to be attracted to the male body, or to sex acts with men, and still be interested in women, romantically. There are a LOT of bi guys like that, where it's 'all about the dick', and nothing more.

You're hooked on the same-sex stuff out of the thrill, taboo, whatever. Sex is sex. You get used to something, or find out it feels good to you, you're hooked. Your baseline romantic inclinations need have nothing to do with it.

But I don't think you're gay. You want desperately to be with a woman, you're romantically inclined to women.

The ED... well... anxiety, hon. Pure anxiety. You've gotten hooked on porn, which even hooked bad on straight porn has been known to cause problems in bed. And you've gotten hooked on gay porn. That's going to mess with your head. And you've had some sexual encounters, same sex, and that's going to fuel this fear that you're gay and will not ever do well with a woman. That's more than enough reason to have trouble getting it up, mijo, when the opportunity finally presented itself.

Look, I'm a bisexual male, who's heavily heteroromantic, but am at least as homoerotic, as heteroerotic. I've felt many of the same things you describe. Shame, going back to porn behaviours you find yourself disgusted with, etc. Although I'm latent- I've never had sex with a guy, much less anonymous stuff- and a note on that, please be careful and protect yourself! It's not fair to any girls you date, if you're being unsafe, okay? That's highly unethical, unless she has full disclosure.

If it were just the porn, I'd be inclined to say you were straight with a gay porn fetish- it's not unknown... if it were ONE encounter, to satisfy curiosity, likewise, you tried it, didn't like it, walked away. But you've done it at least one other time...

If you're absolutely sure you're straight. Then go for it and good luck. But you might find life easier, if you decide you're bisexual. Sometimes it's easier to admit something, and go on from there (what do I do about it now?) than to fight the notion AND try to control the behavior that upsets you.

I take it that women do excite you, sexually? I mean, you find their bodies attractive, etc? Not just in porn, but IRL.

I couldn't agree more. Most people say the little head does the thinking for the big head...I disagree. I think what's going on in the big head drives what goes on in our pants. It's ok to be bi sexual, and you probably are. THAT'S OK!!!!!!!! There is nothing wrong with that regardless of what society will tell you.

You seem interested in women but is that because it's expected or are you sexually attracted to women really? If you are really attracted to women physically then your dysfunction is probably more a function of what's going on in your head. The porn (gay or straight) , the encounters with men that make you confused is probably going to confuse the hell out of your little head. I'm not saying porn is bad or whatever...but if you're conflicted already and are using the porn as a base for your sexual appetite then that's not good and you need to look at that. But you should know that straight porn will disrupt your sex life if you use it too much or consume too much. It just does. It has nothing to do with being gay , straight, bi, or whatever. There are plenty of perfectly straight guys that watch alot of porn and can't bang their wives....that's just a fact. So add that to your sexual confusion and you have the perfect storm of sexual dysfunction.

Advice from a guy that's been there, take it or leave it;

Drop the porn for a while..just a little while. Concentrate on what makes you happy sexually in person. Explore that and practice it. Don't be ashamed. Just do what you like sexually. If you do that for long enough you should develop a TRUE sexual identity and you can go from there. But don't be discouraged that you are struggling with women, it probably has as much to do with watching alot of porn as it is getting blown by guys. Also, it sounds like you've had problems getting women in the past. That doesn't help either for your little guy. I think if you leave the porn alone for a while and just have sex (men or women) you won't be so confused. You might not like the answer you get right away, but honestly dude, if you do that and you find that having sex with men is what you're into...then do it. You only get one time around in this world, do what makes you happy. To hell with what everyone else thinks.

could it be possible that you are gay but find it impossible to accept? just a thought but I say this because you mentioned feelings of shame and guilt. cheers! and hope you have a blessed day