Going insane over my sexuality.. What am i???

Hey everyone, I just made an account on here to post this because i need help. Im so confused with who i am as a person thatd I need to see if any of you can relate and have any idea whats going on, its driving me nuts

I grew up with a straight mentality. I always had crushes on girls, always was attracted to girls and wanted them to be my girlfriends for as long as i can remember. There was never a pretty girl that i met that i didnt want to touch and love and just be with, even as a young kid. I went onto puberty and was always aroused with women. I loved boobs, naked women in movies, and still had crushes. I started watching porn when i was 11 probably. My masturbation habits went like this: -Nude pictures of women on HBO, playboy -Looking up nude women pictures on the internet -Looking up straight porn -Getting into Hentai Then around sophmore year i realized that I got off to gay porn. I didnt like it, because if felt to weird to me, so even though i got off to it, I still didnt want to watch it. I still never noticed any guys in real life. My senior year of high school is when i started questioning myself. For some reason it took a while for it to come to me, "woah, if ive gotten aroused by gay porn, i must be gay". Ive been a stressed out mess since, and im now 19. I have times when i convince myself that im straight, feel good and go on being how i would normally act. Then theres days where i feel like i must be lying to myself and that i do find guys attractive and that i need to test myself to see if im gay. Most times, ill look up nude pictures of guys and not be turned on at all. That reaffirms me that im straight and i feel good and go on being happy until i feel like i have to prove it to myself again. I feel like the porn is what made this whole crisis occur and that im not gay or bi, because its just porn. But idfk. I get on streaks where i stop watching porn because i convince myself that its bad for me and causing gay thoughts. Then, if i stay away from it and dont masturbate, i find that after a week, im really aroused by women again. When if i were to look at a naked women a week before, it wouldve seemed boring. I hope that makes sense. I feel like im desensitizing myself to my old sexual tastes. Ive never had a crush on a guy, never was aroused by a guy in real life, and never felt the urge to touch or be with a guy in any way. But i constantly check out all the guys that i see to see if im attracted to them, and it drives me insane. I fee like ive lost all of who i am. And one more thing is that since ive went through this identity crisis, ive had no crushes on girls since, because i cant focus on it. But just last week i went to a birthday party for a family friend, and there was an old childhood friend that i used to like a lot there. All those feeings of being in love with her came back. I couldnt stop staring at her, i wanted to be near her, and when the party ended it felt like $#%^. I couldnt sleep that night after seeing her because i couldnt stop thinking about her. So my question is, can i be gay even with the above mentioned? If im straight, why am i going through this crap and why am i aroused by gay porn? And if im "bi" why would i have never had any crushes on guys or wanted to be with them? Please give honest answers and any personal relation, i really need it, thanks

We don't give diagnoses here. However, I do have a label I like. And which might be useful in terms of your topic question. Open minded straight. Says what your sexuality growing up was. And that you're experimental in your porn. [Which is totally different to offline sex anyway.]

Some straight men end up using gay porn simply for the "shock" factor. They have seen sooooo much straight porn that it becomes boring. They're desensitised to it. And need either more violent porn. Or something different. So cutting back or cutting out porn entirely. To "reset" your tastes. Is no bad thing.

Also, it might be helpful to look up HOCD. obsessive-compulsive/ has some threads like that. It might give some context for your own anxiety about this?

My key advice though. And I get that this is super difficult! But STOP TESTING. It'll be really, really difficult. You may find your mind squirming around trying to justify doing it. Or scaring the heck out of you with anxiety about "what it means if you don't test." If you can surf the thought. Breathe through it. It often weakens over time. And then it's easier to get more perspective on the whole situation. Really difficult! Worth trying and sticking with it though.