Help in dealing with a partner with delayed ejaculation

I have been in a relationship with my new fiance for 20 months. He has had an issue with delayed ejaculation since day 1 with me. He had no issues with his ex wife or any other women he dated before he met me. Yes, nothing like hearing "this has never happened with anyone else."

I have tried to be understanding and patient. He has been to the doctor and has been to see a therapist once. We both agree that it is a psychological problem and his therapist has given him things to focus on.

I've heard everything from he needs time, I moved a wrong way and he "lost his groove", etc. His therapist asked how long this has gone on and he told her. She shook her head and says "you have a very patient girlfriend. I hope you know that."

I love him with all my heart. But with that love comes the need for the emotional connection and intimacy that I think he has an issue with.

I try to just tell myself "this is how my sex life is for now." I think if his problem was lifelong i could live with it. But to hear him say that I am the first person he's had this problem with just doesn't sit well with me. How do I not take that personally? And how do I proceed to still have sex knowing that 95% of the time it will be unfinished.

I think what frustrates me is if he knows it isn't working he just asks for me to finish him off orally. Which is building resentment in me. I think "wait. my body isn't enough but my mouth is?" I've moved on to not obliging him all the time in that regard as it's not fair to me. Keep in mind, he never had an issue with other women before me. So he has the ability to have orgasms and finish things sexually. But psycholigially there is something going on.

I honestly don't know how to handle each episode as I am becoming sore and I feel rejected. We have really good communication about it and I've told him that he is worth working on the problem with. But 20 months and really no progress.

Is this what I am resorted to at the age of 45? A mediocre sex life that doesn't end the way it should. He is amazing at making sure I am happy.

I don't want to hear that "sex is more than orgasms. Just enjoy each other." As a reminder, he was able to have orgasms all the time before I came along. Ex-wife, anyone he dated. Just not me.

His ex wife cheated on him and I wonder if that is part of the problem. The other women he dated were casual. We knew from the first week we were meant to be together. Engaged at 18 months. Maybe he is scared because we are so much in love.

I just want to be able to have the closeness. I want to be able to know that I can satisfy him. I can handle it for periods of time and then I am hit with depression over the situation.

I do plan on going with him to his next therapy session in December. Until then, any tips would be helpful.

I know this is an old post but I wonder now this turned out for you? I am in almost the exact same situation. My fiancé cannot orgasm from me. He can with his hand and could with every other woman before me just not me. He too is divorced and his wife cheated on him and I am his first serious relationship. He has always taken a long time per him. I have been patient but it kills my self esteem and I just want a normal sex life.

To Catholic2002,

Just an update, things have gotten better. They are not perfect by any means but certainly improved. We went to about 6 or 8 therapy sessions and that seemed to help. I also had to change my thinking or it was going to kill me. Believe me, I still get frustrated if I can't make him orgasm by any method. I've had to remind myself that it is not me and to not take it personally. He is okay with the occasional hiccup and we just move on and try again later or the next day. We have gone from about 5-10% success rate to about 75%. And that may be the best we get to. I just remind myself to be happy considering where we came from. We do try and check in with each other and ask how we are feeling mentally and emotionally.

The only thing I can say is be patient. This has been a 2 1/2 year process for me so far. And constantly remind yourself that it's not you. I know it's hard. I still get down and feel responsible sometimes. You have to do a lot of pep talking to yourself. I know it feels selfish to tell yourself "it's not me. it's him." But it will save your sanity.

As long as all other aspects of your relationship are awesome, it makes this part a little easier to deal with and work through. But it is work on both sides.

Therapy was a godsend. I found it easier to bring up really intimate issues more comfortably. It has brought us closer which has helped. We aren't in therapy any more and do find these issues a little easier to discuss.

I hope this helps.