New GF Confesses: Never Had an Orgasm, Ever

Greetings:

I'm a 38 yoM, who has been dating a 32 yoF for about 3 months now. We are both single parents, coming out of really bad, abusive relationships. As such, things are moving slow.......slower than I've ever experienced, but that's fine. It's obvious we like each other, a lot.

Recently, she admitted to me she had never had an orgasm. Immediately, I said...."that's normal, a lot of women are not fortunate enough to be with someone who is sensitive to their needs, and knows wheat they are doing." However, she explained that that wasn't the problem.....she has never had one on her own either.

She explained it like this. She said she gets so stimulated, so sensitive....then feels like she has to pee, and just stops. I don't know, but that sounds like to me, she is right there, hanging over a cliff, but then backing off. She told me she just can't let herself go there.....it's TOO MUCH to handle.

This is new for me. I've never had any problem giving mutiples to partners, pretty regularly. I feel like I'm definitely a considerate, hard working lover. However, I also have a background in Psychology and medicine, and know that this issue has more to do with what's between her ears, than what's between her legs.

Some things I've noticed about her. She is VERY self conscious. I mean, she is a solid 9 out of 10, yet always makes comments apologizing for her appearance. She's really quite beautiful. One time my kid and I, met her and her kid at the local pool. She said to me, "Don't judge me, I'm out of shape." I looked around the pool and every man there was gawking at her in her bikini. I understand that nothing I say will fix this, and that I'm just going to have to keep working at making her feel comfort and reminding her how attracted I am to her. Also......we were talking one time about sex, and I told her I'm definitely a lights on kind of guy. She tells me she could never be naked in front of me, not any time soon. In fact.....she admits we probably would have already had sex, but it was daytime, and there was too much light in the room at the time. That seems ridiculous to me.....but I want her to feel comfortable. She claims her body isn't the same after giving birth. Who's body is? I don't look 26 anymore either.

We talked about it for a couple of hours the other day. I'm glad she feels comfortable enough to tell me even before we have had sex. I told her that was the first step in resolving this, good communication. I explained we don't have to do anything until she is ready. She does seem like she wants to have sex, but wanted to tell me first. That's great! I told her to put it out of her mind and just focus right here, me and her......don't even think about orgasm, just enjoy being close. In fact, I myself have had problems with not being able to finish, especially with women I don't have any real emotional attachment to. With her, I definitely do.

Anyone have any other thoughts about this? She admitted she had tried toys, oral, everything. It sounds like she is RIGHT ABOUT THERE, based on what she is describing. I've always felt like one of the most satisfying parts of sex, was pleasing your partner, but I don't want to tell her that.

Anyone ever heard of someone saying a potential orgasm was TOO MUCH to handle? So much so they would rather not?

I want to be a good boyfriend, I care about her, and would love to help her with her problem no matter what. I can't even imagine not ever having an orgasm. At the same time......these are a lot of signs of a deeper problem perhaps? I asked her about abuse, but she denied.

Maybe she's afraid to let go? Like afraid of the powerlessness that comes with orgasm? Your point that it could be more in her head than between her legs could be right.

But she could be really oversensitive...I had a gf who was so difficult because her clit would just get sore after a while. Her previous partners weren't too much into pleasing her, and she didn't really ever want to please herself...she would masturbate by teasing herself but she never could make herself orgasm either. So she gave up and focussed solely on pleasing her boyfriends. When it came to sex with me, she enjoyed vaginal sex but she wasn't able to orgasm from it and always needed the clit, so for a while I couldn't make her orgasm. With the clit, she couldn't take it and I had to switch constantly between oral/manual, but the tongue and fingers were just too much for her. She would get jolts of pain.

So we experimented, she found that she could orgasm when she had panties on and her clit was stimulated through the panties, I guess less direct contact made it less likely to overstimulate herself. She also has to stay away from the tip of her clitoris and rather, stimulate it from the side. At first she could only orgasm masturbating herself like that, but once she got a good sense of what she liked, and what she could do without hurting herself, she was able to orgasm by keeping her panties on and rubbing her clit against my shaft in the way that she liked.

I think part of it did come down to comfort too...I talked to her about the fantasies that turned her on, we'd go into a lot of depth about it, for the first while she needed a LOT of foreplay, as time went on though and she knew what she liked sexually she needed less.

Yeah she sounds mildly crazy. I'd say with her consent tie her up and give her oral till she orgasms a few times, that should fix things, eh?

If she feels like she is going to pee, it's probably Female Ejaculate fluid... aka, she might "squirt".

If this is the case, she might be embarrassed a bout it and that's why she holds back. With my current wife, before me, she never knew guys could enjoy the natural scent of a woman's vagina... Let's face it, our social structures have been formed in a way that have made sex a "taboo" subject in general. and while the guys are supposed to "get some"... women are supposed to be "reserved"... there is some evolutionary influence to this as well as social stigma.

It took a few months of open communication about sexual desires, likes, dislikes, and ideas.. but my wife went from a few orgasms over her previous 28 years... to having an orgasm with me 70% of the time... Multiples on many occasions... AND when she's really into it, she will also ejaculate a little bit.

As far as the "squirting" goes... I LOVE it... but she finds it to be "messy"... so she has to really be into it to let go enough for that to happen... What I'm really saying here is that getting her to open the doors of communication about sex is the key here... It will most likely require many conversations that feel like you've covered the same thing over and over.. as well as "showing" that you really do like it.

good luck