Fear of physical intimacy.

I'm a 27 year old woman and I'm still a virgin. The thought of having sex with someone scares me sometimes. I guess once in a while when I'm horny it seems hot but most of the time, scary and uncomfortable. I've always been socially awkward and extremely shy. I also don't like how my body looks. I've been on some dates and I felt uncomfortable. Been kissed a few times, it felt awkward. Things usually don't go past the 3rd date because the thought of having a committed relationship seems scary. Yet I've fallen for guys who don't want me. But it's like the ones who want me I don't want or I'm afraid to be with. Either I back out or they lose interest. They might lose interest because of the lack of sex, but then again they never tried to sleep with me. I don't think I'm a sexu I don't think I'm asexual because about it a lot and sometimes I desire it, and I also do it with myself and I like it. I'm not sure how to get over this fear. I do want to lose it and have a relationship and be in love with someone who is in love with me. I just don't know how to get there. Now I'm afraid that maybe I was abused or something and I don't remember because why else would I have this fear? I hope I wasn't, but there's no other explanation ...

That should say, "I don't think I'm asexual because I think about it a lot and desire it."

I don't think this has anything to do with asexuality. The reading I have done (which isn't much), seems to indicate that it is a "choice" that people make.

But, yes there is sexual dysfunction and other things that keep us from having relationships, and thus, physical intimacy.

Do you think this goes beyond just a fear of physical intimacy? I only ask because you say things like,

the thought of having a committed relationship seems scary.

Considering your situation and other things you have said, this...

Yet I've fallen for guys who don't want me. But it's like the ones who want me I don't want or I'm afraid to be with.

...seems reasonable. By going after guys who don't fancy you and staying away from one that do, you eliminate the uncomfortable possibility of having to date someone.

Have you seen a therapist yet? Maybe hashing it out with a third party professional might yield some good.

Otter.

Otter, thanks for trying to help.

Although I've always wanted a boyfriend, when I almost got one I felt scared and backed out. I had gone on a few dates with this guy but I never developed any feelings for him and the thought of being with him didn't excite me, it scared me. Around the same time I developed feelings for someone else who did not return them. The thought of being with this man did not scare me it made me happy. So I think I'm just not comfortable to committing to someone I'm not crazy into. But then again, like I mentioned, it's never mutual.

I've always been socially awkward and anxious in social situations which I'm sure plays a role in this. Very shy and reserved too. On another date with a completely different guy we had a good time talking it seemed like we had a personality connection and when we were leaving the date he gave me a very long hug and I remember thinking, "Why isn't this hug ending? I feel weird." So.... I have no clue what's wrong with me. I should have enjoyed that..

I've thought about maybe finding a sex therapist, I remember there was an episode of Oprah with a sex therapist helping 31 year old virgin women figure out why they were unhappy with their virginity, but I honestly can't afford $100 per hour sessions. I'm not sure what to do.

hi Pink-

Do you think a sex therapist is the way to go, instead of a general therapist?

May I ask a few questions? Do you not like being touched at all (there is a difference between the "idea" of it and the actual act - I'm talking about the latter)? If not, does it worry you what it might lead to serious sex, and that's why you don't like a prolonged hug? If you met someone that was crazy about you, and you were crazy about them, how does the feeling of a long term commitment make you feel? Does the idea of long term commitment focus automatically on the sexual activity that is common in relationship? How do other parts of a relationship strike you: such as creating a deep friendship, sharing your time, opening up personal sides of yourself that you may have never shared with anyone else?

I guess either kind of therapist would help.
I don't mind being hugged or kissed in like a family way from family and friends, but the one long hug from my date made me uncomfortable. I didn't think hugs lasted that long, I was thinking why isn't he pulling away after a few seconds because that's what I'm used to. I definitely like the idea better than the actual act, like I have so many sexual fantasies but I couldn't even deal with a long hug.
Maybe I have a fear of rejection because often times when I get close to someone they leave so maybe that's why I didn't like the long hug. Or I just wasn't sexually attracted to him, which was true. We never kissed. I remember being upset actually after that hug that he didn't lean in for a kiss. I remember the few times I was kissed, (different men) one felt awkward but I really enjoyed the other one, I wanted more. But then when he started to do more, I felt uncomfortable and backed away. Like tongue stuff. So it's like I like the idea of it more...
When I'm crazy about someone I imagine having a life with them. Getting married, buying a house, having babies. But they aren't crazy about me. But if they were crazy about me, I don't know how I'd feel. I guess either excited or scared. It hasn't happened yet so I can't say. But when they aren't crazy about me I am really upset like super emotionally upset.
When I think of long term commitment with someone I'm crazy about I think mostly about the emotional intimacy we would share and the other big life events I mentioned before. I think a little about the sexy stuff but that's not my main focus. I think love is more important that sex. But I do fantasize about having sex with them a lot, all around "our" house. When I think about it with someone I'm not crazy about, I feel fear.
I think I would be happy about opening up to someone personally if we were together. I may be afraid that they would reject my emotional intimacy but if they didn't I'd be happy. Ultimately that is what I want in the future, a husband who is a best friend. Only problem is I'm introverted so I wouldn't want to be emotionally intimate 24/7. I like my alone time too. So I would want to spend time, but not too much time, if that makes sense.
I appreciate your help.

One last question (I hope this isn't annoying you): when you think about the man you are crazy for, is he outgoing, perhaps something very different from you? What is he like?

I'm not a therapist, but it seems like good old fashioned self-esteem issues, social anxiety and maybe depression might be going on. I'm certainly not diminishing the severity of your situation, you can see how the combination can keep you on the sidelines for a long time.

But I would strongly recommend a general therapist, when you can see one. Let them direct you towards someone specializing in sexual issues if you two decide that is good for you.

Maybe until them take some chances and challenge yourself. Go on a date. Maybe keep a journal.

Otter.

The questions don't annoy me. I know they will help you to help me so I'm happy to answer them.
He is similar to me, but a little more outgoing, more sure of himself (high self esteem) and has similar interests and personality traits as I do.
I agree with everything you said, I do think I have those issues but I guess I can't figure out how to work past them on my own. My last date was 6 months ago but I wasn't into him.