developed sexual anxiety? age 23

My situation is kind of strange. I think it's just sexual anxiety but I'm not positive...

So up until a year and a half ago I had a great sex life, no performance issues, it was great. Well suddenly with an ex of mine, one time i went limp during sex and bam after that it was a constant problem for a while, maybe a couple months. It had to be because I was thinking too much about it everytime we started sex and that just killed it for me. Well things seemed to be getting better with her and then we broke up and i started dating a new much more attractive girl even, and at the start things seemed to be fine there too, then it started again... nearly everytime we had sex i would go limp and either eventually we'd get it back and finish or just give up. It created problems for sure and eventually we broke up (not for this reason).

Along with the performance issues coming from overthinking I've noticed a decrease in sexual desire too, like how often i want sex. I'm thinking this is because now i associate sex with the anxiety rather than the pleasure.

Well I'm getting really fed up with this, other than causing issues in my last two relationships it caused the most embarrassing moment of my life the other night... a girl i had a thing for 8 years ago and I have been talking/hanging out again and things have been getting heated. Well the other night we started stuff out in my truck where we were, foreplay, oral and even starting actual sex before it got too uncomfortable ib my truck. I was rock hard during all of this no problem. Well we decided to bring it to the house to be more comfortable and it was going okay to start, took a bit longer to get me ready i figured just cause we were going at it for probably an hour in the truck and i was so close to finishing several times. Well we go to change positions and i go soft... ###$. Despite every attempt we barely got it back eventually and tried again but same thing, i know it's cause my brain was focusing on it way too much but how do you not when you've wanted a girl for 8 years and finally get her in your bed and this happens?

I just really want to get over this... my sex life used to be great until this started... now i have less sex drive, zero confidence, and can't even enjoy sex during cause all i focus on is if I'll stay hard or if I'll finish instead of my partner's fantastic body and whats happening which would guarantee both of those things... i want to figure this out before i completely blow this chance with her. Any advice or ideas greatly appreciated, thanks for your time.

Once anxiety starts, it's a bastard to stop that vicious circle, but you're halfway there when you recognise what's going on.

My advice is to slow things down, and have more foreplay. Don't be in a rush, and don't rush yourself. You're not a machine, no matter how much you might think that a virile man should stand to attention on demand.

And don't let this girl give you anxieties. If a problem like sexual performance anxiety might blow things with her, then I'd wouldn't give her the time of day.

Ban sex in the bedroom? Perhaps the associations there are too negative. And that's why the truck was a good venue. No previous experiences to get in the way. So, bathroom, kitchen, lounge [if you don't have housemates.] Outside, if it's safe. And she's up for that. Once your confidence is back up. Approach the bedroom in a different way. Satin sheets. Both of you wearing clothing the other finds sexy.

The difficult part is being honest with her about it perhaps. But I think that's worth doing. Because otherwise the natural fear is that you don't fancy her enough. Which is going to be a passion killer on her side. Whereas as it is. It's something of a challenge for her. It might up her energy levels further.


Also, how are things when masturbating? If you're hard then. Another guess would be that your cock has been conditioned. To the greater pressure and stimulation from the hand. The cure for that is ideally stopping wanking for a couple of months. But if that's too much. Making sure you change hands and grips. Don't always use the same approach. And use lube too. It will make it harder to finish. But that's a good thing. You're aiming to get closer to the effect of lady parts again.

I don't think the bedroom has anything to do with it, I think the truck was a good venue cause I wasn't planning things to get that far so it all happened heat of the moment and I didn't have time to think about it and after all the that foreplay was too turned on to think about it. Then the drive home to continue was enough for me to get in my own head and kill it.

No problems masturbating, and I have been cutting that out, I only did once in the past couple weeks and thats cause I got worked up with her and we couldn't finish what we started and I couldn't sleep later so I did.

The part that I'm more worrying about now is how easy it's been to stop masturbating, my most recent relationship was long distance so I would go 6 weeks or so with out sex, during this time I would get desires to masturbate every single day nearly, and when I would try to go a week or so without before seeing her it was difficult and I usually wouldn't make it more than 3-4 days. Now it's been easy to go a week without, like if I turn a video on yea i'll get hard and have the desire but at the same time I could watch 5 minutes of that video, not do anything about it and be okay later whereas before if I started something like that I would need to get a release or I would go crazy, but I don't just develop it through out the day like I used to, and I find I don't wake up with erections often anymore which seems strange... I'm worried I'm losing my sex drive all together. I may go see my doctor regarding the drive itself, maybe my test levels are low or something, worth looking in to.

Have there been any changes in stress levels outside relationships? Or in your eating / sleeping / exercise patterns?

I think checking test would be a very good idea. You could do all the anxiety cures in the world. But if some biological issue is going on. It'll have no effect. And may even do more harm than good. In "convincing" you things might be permanently broken. [They usually aren't. Glitches happen, that's all.]

I wouldn't say I've been stressed any more than normally, I decided to go back to school a year and a half ago, started last september, Cardiovascular Technology, I figured it would be very stressful and demanding but It's actually been pretty easy on me so I wouldn't accredit anything to that.

I was doing some reading at work today and the test thing makes perfect sense. Other than the aforementioned lower libido and ED troubles, and inability to constantly achieve orgasm during sex, I've also noticed a decrease in energy levels from myself of years past, I literally used to work an 8 hour shift, play 18 holes of golf, hit the gym, and repeat 5 days a week every summer when i was 19-21 or so, now after an 8 hour shift I'm lucky if I can get the energy to go workout and I wouldn't say my physical shape is much worse than It was than. Also i've noticed reduced muscle mass in a sense, I'm still a big boy (6'0 225lb pretty solid) but I've been working out steadily again and am not getting as bulky as I used to get in a similar time frame of working out. All of these things seem to point to low T. I actually went out after work and bought a supplement (Brad King's ultimate Libido) i believe is the full name, it's supposed to increase libido, test levels and help maintain muscle mass. It says to consult a physician for extended use of more than 12 weeks so this is good i can start it today and when I can get in to see my doctor and get my T levels checked consult him about continuing this supplement or starting a gel or whatever if this is the case.

I really hope this is the case, considering I'm studying in the medical field and have a vast knowledge of the human body and all it's systems I'm surprised I never considered this before... It's most likely either cause I had it chalked up to definitely being stage fright or I had considered it and just didn't want to admit I might have low test...

Canadian92
By all means go for tests. T levels, diabetes, anemia or other factors could reveal themselves. But your own narrative suggests to me that performance anxiety may loom large here.
First a question: are you consuming alcohol prior to these encounters? If so, reduce or eliminate intake and see if your erection is sustained during your next encounter. If you find that the problem still "arises" (poor choice of words, I know), then simply cease penile penetration and use your fingers to stimulate your partner. If she questions you about it, tell her she comes first and, if my experiences are anything to go by, she will - repeatedly.
Performance anxiety is about judging yourself and killing your mood. Nothing silences that inner critic better than when you get your partner off. So just deploy another method to pleasure her and you'll likely be rock hard as a result.

So my blood work is all fine... no hormone imbalances or anything... I'm at a serious crossroad here cause I pretty much confirmed how much of a mental problem this is... my confidence is shot.

So the same girl I mentioned previously stayed over saturday night and things started again and it was pretty much same story... Things got going, all was well, even for like 10-15 minutes of actual sex all was well. I was close to finishing at one point and I slipped out, and we tried a position change shortly after and bam gone... Tried again in the morning, foreplay, hard as a rock, right before actual penetration, gone.

Tonight, had a different girl over, one I was talking to before the other girl but things never really got that far. Well things start there, we're going at foreplay for a while, dry grinding and everything and I am hard as can be, get up for 2 seconds, put a condom on, go to penetrate, gone... No coming back, tried everything. It's totally 100% a mind being more powerful than body thing...

What are anyone's views on medication... I know it's not a physical problem more mental but would you recommend a small dose of cialis or something? Even for a brief period of time just to build confidence and maybe let my body remember the feeling of regular sex? Than ween myself off of it? I don't know what else to do, this is driving me nuts...

Canadian92 wrote: I think the truck was a good venue cause I wasn't planning things to get that far so it all happened heat of the moment and I didn't have time to think about it and after all the that foreplay was too turned on to think about it.

It was the spontaneous sex that kept you hard (exactly) your right, you didn't give your self time to think, the heat of the moment was just perfect situation for you.

Do you feel that "setting the mood" might help, 1 sec i will try to explain

As Visionseeker stated

Visionseeker wrote:Canadian92 :simply cease penile penetration and use your fingers to stimulate your partner. If she questions you about it, tell her she comes first and, if my experiences are anything to go by, she will - repeatedly.
Performance anxiety is about judging yourself and killing your mood. Nothing silences that inner critic better than when you get your partner off. So just deploy another method to pleasure her and you'll likely be rock hard as a result.

So as your in foreplay mode (have a music device/playlist already on phone next to the bed) easy to reach, Maybe a "distraction" is needed, May help take your mind off thinking about whats coming next. Use Visionseekers advice and do the foreplay for longer until your comfortable with your distraction, then go for it.

If the distraction works then its not that's something is wrong per sa

Worth a go

Sorry haven't been on to respond/update anyone on the situation. Took a couple weeks off any form of sexual activity, met another girl a couple weeks ago and have been banging her like a champ since . No problems at all, well one time it didn't seem to want to come up for round 3 but her going down on me for a couple seconds changed that real quick.

Also this gave me the confidence to go back and finish the job with the other 2 girls I had mentioned in this post, so kind of have three on the go now and all coming back for more... Woops, sorry not sorry .

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read/respond to this. I figure it was exactly what I thought, just needed a few successful bangs to get the confidence back up.