Terrified of sex (sort of)

Hello all. Stumbled on this forum while searching around for similar posts and figured it would be worth posting as i'm out of ideas & could really use some advice.

I'm a 26 year old woman who is terrified of having sex. There are a lot of issues here so please, forgive me if this is a little all over the place.

I've only had sex a few times in my life and the last time was when I was 19. Up until then, while I still got embarrassed when my inexperience made for an awkward situation or two, it was generally not such a big deal. Then, at 19, I had an ectopic pregnancy - totally unexpected, no idea I was pregnant, and luckily I made it out alive. I'd been pretty unlikely, using protection and being on the pill and still managing to get pregnant. The shock of it was enough to put me off sex for a while.

However, since then it has become far more than that. My insecurity about my inexperience is taking over, I feel like i'm not a "normal" 26 year old woman and immediately feel guilty if a guy makes it clear he has an interest in me, like I would be letting him down. That i would be a disappointment. I can't even use my inexperience to my advantage and argue with myself that it will get better as time goes on because i've never been the most coordinated person in the world (I can't drive, dance, I can't even carry two things at once without dropping something) so it feels like i wouldn't get any better anyway. My brain just doesn't seem to be able to handle movement very well, lol. Now, don't get me wrong, i've never felt under any pressure from anyone and even in those early days when I was having sex, was never made to feel badly about anything. This is all coming from my own mind. But I feel so guilty, like i would be making something that should be natural and fun into something difficult and disappointing. And when you first start seeing someone, you don't exactly want to sit down and tell them about losing a baby, or your self-esteem issues, right?

Now that fear of getting pregnant and my insecurities about performance have been made even worse by my fear of commitment & responsibility. I dread someone liking me because I dread the idea of having to reject them, or them rejecting me. And yet at the same time, i'm so friggin' insecure that I constantly crave attention. So, i'm constantly getting myself into situations where I flirt all the while it is "safe" to do so but the minute a guy actually wants to take it to the level of, you know, taking me out on a date, I freak out and back off and the poor guy is left wondering what happened. A few times I have even had a physical reaction, where someone I had once found very attractive becomes completely repulsive to me as soon as he makes an actual move, which has led me to not even feel I can trust my own feelings about someone. One positive here is that I have at least been able to become aware of when I am seeking attention and police myself a little more which has at least helped with the guilt i'd feel after messing someone around.

I've always got along better with older guys and so I feel that pressure, too. Flirting will often become sexual fairly quickly and that just freaks me out even more. How on earth can I flirt when I don't believe I have anything to offer sexually?

The final "straw" has been my relationship with someone who for all intents and purposes is my best friend. We have a long history (he was actually the father of the baby that I lost). For the last couple of years he has made it clear that he wants a relationship with me. And I have reacted in exactly the same way as I always do. Now, I feel as if I cannot even know for sure how I feel because one the one hand he's one of the few people I am the most comfortable with and on the other we have major trust issues and I'm not that attracted to him (I don't know if this is my typical 'repulsed' reaction, as we do have chemistry, or whether time few times I slept with him before we down to that attention seeking and in truth, alcohol). I feel like I can't trust my feelings any more.

I've often battled with the idea of going out and just having a one night stand with a guy i'm never going to see again and just getting that "second first time" out of the way because logic is telling me it won't be anywhere near as bad as I think it will be. But the fear of pregnancy prevents that (especially now I am no longer on the pill for medical reasons). But having that "second first time" with someone I really like terrifies me far more, as obviously, I don't want to disappoint.

I've tried being tough with myself and reminding myself that it's not just about how I perform but in honesty, that has never made me feel any better. I'd argue that despite my lack of experience with a partner, I have a damn good idea of what I want and enjoy and that only makes me more aware of how frustrating it must be for a partner to be with someone who is useless.

Friends have said that I should just wait until I am with someone I feel comfortable enough to talk about it with but how is that ever going to happen when the minute someone shows interest, I run? And even if I didn't at what point to dump all these issues on a poor unsuspecting guy who just wanted to get to know a girl a little better? It's heavy stuff in any relationship, let alone when you've only been dating a while.

I feel like i've dug myself into this hole and I just can't find my way out (Oh, that's a bad analogy for this topic ). I want to be able to enjoy relationships and enjoy sex but i'm shaking even as I type this, just as the thought of it. I just feel like i'm a big bag of drama that no one needs and the idea of 'inflicting' that on someone just seems awful. Worse when you factor in embarrassment and sexual inexperience. And I hate it because I have done this to myself. I have literally thought my way into being terrified but no matter how hard I try, I can't think my way out of it.

Rationally, I know most of it is nonsense. But thinking and feeling are so incredibly different.

I don't think you're being entirely fair to yourself. You didn't think this up from nothing. The chances of getting pregnant in the way that you did. AND it being ectopic. Are probably up there with being struck by lightning and then the ambulance crashing on the way to hospital. Of course that's going to leave its mark.

Also, I don't believe in "normal." There's too much diversity for that to be a reasonable concept. So I think you're abnormal just like me and everyone else. You don't need to feel guilty about this either. Yes you're in a tangle mentally right now. Yes I think you'll work your way through it too. That it's not permanent.

About one night stands. I'm not sure they're going to help very much. Generally there's alcohol involved which tends to wreck performance. And I know some people have amazing times. But I think many others have a pretty mechanical experience. Without an emotional connection. There's not so much incentive to take your time. To explore and learn. To play. Obviously this depends hugely on the people involved. If the "problem" was just "having some sex" then I think it would be an OK route. This is more complicated, though.

On a practical note. You have a significant advantage being a woman. It's not unheard of to lie back and enjoy. Technique can come later [and it will.] As long as you're showing enthusiasm. Lacks in rhythm, timing etc just won't matter. They may even be an asset in terms of being slightly unpredictable. Which is an excellent trait in bed. Keeps attention high and is therefore helping a partner with their performance. And that's something else to bear in mind. Unless you're in bed with a serious egotist. He will be thinking very similar thoughts about not disappointing, not doing it wrong, not turning you off, not climaxing too quickly, wondering how quickly you'll orgasm, worrying about the slight mattress squeak and so on. So it would be OK to admit you're nervous. Because he's very likely to say the same. And then it becomes a team thing. Not a hidden anxiety eating away at the fun of it.

To ask something that feels "too" personal. So ignore if you don't want to say! But, how are you with solo sex? Is that enjoyable? Or does it trigger some of the same stresses?

Yes you're in a tangle mentally right now. Yes I think you'll work your way through it too. That it's not permanent.

I'm not sure i've done myself any favours by not actively dating. Can't help feeling i'm made the fear far much bigger than it should be..Idk.

About one night stands. I'm not sure they're going to help very much. Generally there's alcohol involved which tends to wreck performance. And I know some people have amazing times. But I think many others have a pretty mechanical experience. Without an emotional connection. There's not so much incentive to take your time. To explore and learn. To play. Obviously this depends hugely on the people involved. If the "problem" was just "having some sex" then I think it would be an OK route. This is more complicated, though.

This makes sense. And I think that's part of the reason why I haven't done it, if i'm being totally honest. But I think the idea of not really having to "worry" about what the other person is thinking about my performance and I guess "powering through" to remind myself that it's all not quite so scary as i'm making it out to be is the attraction there. But I've had opportunities to do this and haven't. I guess that tells me something...

On a practical note. You have a significant advantage being a woman. It's not unheard of to lie back and enjoy. Technique can come later [and it will.] As long as you're showing enthusiasm. Lacks in rhythm, timing etc just won't matter.

I've been trying to pay attention to where my mind wanders to when i'm in the heights (or lows is probably more accurate) of anxiety, and I seem to be worrying more about the second time, or the third time with someone and things just not getting any better. I could probably talk myself into thinking "Hey, first time is a freebie for both of you" but it's what comes next that worries me. I would want it to be mutually satisfying and there's a real insecurity that i'm just not up to that task, with anyone.

They may even be an asset in terms of being slightly unpredictable. Which is an excellent trait in bed. Keeps attention high and is therefore helping a partner with their performance. And that's something else to bear in mind. Unless you're in bed with a serious egotist. He will be thinking very similar thoughts about not disappointing, not doing it wrong, not turning you off, not climaxing too quickly, wondering how quickly you'll orgasm, worrying about the slight mattress squeak and so on. So it would be OK to admit you're nervous. Because he's very likely to say the same. And then it becomes a team thing. Not a hidden anxiety eating away at the fun of it.

That's true...I think i'm partly worried that if I say i'm nervous, everything else will come tumbling out and i'll scare the living daylights out of the poor guy lol

To ask something that feels "too" personal. So ignore if you don't want to say! But, how are you with solo sex? Is that enjoyable? Or does it trigger some of the same stresses?

No problems whatsoever with solo sex, it doesn't really seem to trigger any anxiety. I guess i'm lucky I still have that!