HELP, please! I'm so confused...who am I?

I'm 43, female, married for 16 years. I have no sexual desire, in part because I take an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser, but mainly because I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT SEX.

I'd like to call myself asexual, but about once a month I get the desire to masturbate. It's like a stress release kind of thing.

When I masturbate I have to either look at porn to get aroused or I have fantasies. To get aroused I need to see images of women having extreme sex or masturbating. Once I have my first orgasm my mind switches to imaging myself being with a domineering man, or two, and I can go on and have up to three more orgasms.

I don't have orgasms with my husband. I've had several (LOL...several? About 50!) sexual partners in my life, all men. I have gotten aroused but not to the point of orgasm. I always prefer a one-time encounter, no relationships, except in the case of my husband (who I now feel nothing for) and one other man.

I emotionally detach during sex. I only have sex with my husband to keep him happy. I hate it. During sex I don't fantasize unless it's to imagine him being another man, but I usually focus on getting it done.

I had an emotionally abusive and neglected childhood. I also went "missing" at the age of three (my mother is not clear on that) and I was "kidnapped" on my way to school at the age of 5 by two people (male? female? young? I don't remember) at knifepoint. I have no memory of what happened--I just remember the knife and then being found wandering in a field. I was gone for 12 hours and no one noticed for about 10 hours.

I started masturbating at the age of 11 and have always had a fascination with inserting things into myself, even at a young age. If I masturbate I feel horrible afterwards.

I'm sick and tired of not feeling normal.

I get confused that I get aroused by images of women having sex yet I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to men so I don't know what that makes me.

My marriage is over. I'm living a lie for the kids' sake. I have weird sexual nightmares almost every night.

I just wish I knew who I was. I've gone to therapists for 20 years and no one has helped me. I've not gone into this much detail with any of them, though. I feel embarassed. I'm done with therapists. I rehash the same old crap from my childhood over and over and I get no where.