Struggling with rape fantasies

I am sorry, this is long but I have to get this out somewhere and I have no one to talk to about this.

Hello, I am a 23 years old woman and I have rape fantasies. That is the first time I have ever admitted that out loud (well in text). I come here today because I need help with it. I don't want to have this at all.

First off let me say that I have never been abused, sexually or otherwise, I know that some people develop these feelings to have power over something terrible that happened to them, but I am not that person. Secondly, I have always felt like I was a champion for women (and men, equal rights and treatment for everyone) but any time I have these fantasies it makes me wonder if I'm just perpetuating the whole rape culture thing.

Okay so let me start again and explain a bit.

I have had these fantasies for as long as I can remember, since I discovered masturbation pretty much. They have always been pretty much the same. Young woman, who is always a virgin, ends up being forced into sex against her will. Sometimes she may enjoy it, other times not, but it is never me and it is never anyone I know or looks like anyone I know. The perpetrator never hurts the girl aside from this act and she always gets away in the end. Its just the act itself and the taking of the virginity. Now, I feel like that probably plays a bigger part in it then I'd want to admit.

Although my family isn't conservative, sexist or overly religious, I have always been obsessed with virginity. Not that I think people who do have sex are bad, I just think that if you want to wait, you should wait as long as you want, and if it's important to only have sex with one person, then wait for that person. If not, then fine. Though my two sisters didn't really wait, I was always determined to prove that it could be done and wait for the person I was going to marry. Wait until I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would only have sex with this person.

So, when I was in 9th grade I started going out with my best friend and we have now been together for 9 years. To say that we went slow is an understatement. We didn't get to second base until we'd already been together for two years, then third base was after three and a half. I didn't want to have sex until we were adults and fully comprehended our choices and their consequences. A few months after we graduated we did and we have a pretty good sex life now although it was a slow start.

The rape fantasies have always been prevalent and I always have them when I masturbate. However, when I was in tenth or eleventh grade my oldest sister was raped and that made me feel even worse about having those fantasies. I know what she went through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, myself included, yet I cannot orgasm if I don't have that. I never have with my fiancee.

Now my fiancee, he doesn't know at all. He's always been very vocal about his dislike of that fantasy and he is some what submissive in the bedroom. He always wants me to be in control and me to be on top (I swear that me on top is the only position we've done in our five years of being sexually active), this stems from his mother always berating him about how men only want sex and are bad, but I feel like I can't let loose in the bedroom because I always have to be in charge.

Now it's gotten so bad sometimes that I will read erotica online but it usually just grosses me out because there is violence or some other fetish mixed in that gives me a terrible disturbed feeling. I could never watch porn because the idea of anything bad happening to a real person just kills me (even if it's just fake, acted rape by professional pornstars).

So, thats pretty much it, my inner most secrets laid out for the internet and strangers everywhere. I just want to be cured. I hate it because afterward it makes me sad for all those rape survivors out there, and I feel like it's getting in the way of sex with my boyfriend, who I love more then this entire world.

What do you think?

Late reply but here it comes...

I think way many woman fantasize about that, they just dont talk about it of course.
I do enjoy rape porn and stuff but im against actual rape
I think its even hot when in bed the man turns into a lion and takes his girl as he want to, kinda shows his power, his animal side, hunting, taking what he desire and showing if he deserves it by using force

I think its common

Hi bronwyn,

I completely agree with zeraphine, lots, probably most, women have fantasies of being dominated or forced to some degree or another. Who knows why but it certainly has nothing to do with condoning the behaviour in real life. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's experience!

There's no need to feel guilty about having these fantasies. It doesn't make you insensitive towards your sister or anti-feminist. There are no politics when it comes to sexual fantasies, they are private and your own to enjoy.

How about suggesting to your boyfriend that he become more dominant in the bedroom but outside of the context of rape fantasies? For example, how about suggesting that he tie you up, not for the purposes of forcing you, but just to be kinky? Alternatively you could expand the rape fantasy to include something like him forcing you to go on top.

Even if you never successfully integrate this fantasy into your sex life, just to say again you're not weird for having it and there's nothing to feel bad about!

S

First, there ain't nothin wrong with fantasies. You don't want to be raped, just FEEL like you are being raped. It shouldn't ALWAYS be the way he wants it. Tell him that he needs to try to be dominant sometimes. If I were confronted with this I might try a little domination game. Handcuffs or being tied down might be fun. Maybe it will put some steam in his locomotive, too. Consider it therapy for both of you. You need to be dominated more and he needs to not be passive all the time.

Hi Bronwyn - thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, your post and its replies will help many others who feel similar to you.

You are normal - totally

I'm a BDSM Dominant male in the latter years of life, I've known many women and had substantial relationships with a few. In the BDSM world we talk about (pseudo) rape and rape fantasies often and it's probably correct to say that almost every woman I've know has had them some people have them very frequently and at a lot more powerful level than those you describe. This is perfectly normal.

Enjoy your fantasies, use them for sexual stimulation, use them for fun. Daily life can sometimes become humdrum or even painful but our fantasies can always be a relief valve.

As for your fiancee: tell him to stop being selfish and to respond to your sexual needs in addition to his own - if he won't then, maybe, you should consider whether it's wise to promote engagement to marriage?