My brother hit on my wife

Hello,
My brother (now 34 yrs old) has a certain history - verbally abused by my biological father throughout entire childhood, just 5 years ago he was living in a building with his wife and small son when a 11 yr old girl and her mother went to the police to tell that that my brother had kissed this girl on the cheek. He swears he didnt do this, but was interrogated by the police and admitted to them that he did (the admitting is now being blamed on his childhood from my father and him wanting to avoid bad situations), but he still stands by the fact that he did nothing to her.

Anyway, just a year ago or so my wife text my brother early in the morning to ask him about what GPS she should buy (because we were looking at purchasing). He suggested TomTom, and kept telling her that TomTom was the best (his name happens to be Tom). After he made this suggestions he sent her a text saying "you can ride me anytime". Before this suggestions happened he was sending her texts that read "what are you doing? It's early but I'm still in bed relaxing. Are you still in bed? I'm in bed relaxing". It was almost as if he was saying those things to get something sexual started through text. And then the "you can ride me anytime" text came through. She was thrown off but avoided any kind of confrontation. I later saw these texts and they made me feel ill. Ill because I know my brother is an intelligent man who knows what these types of things mean.

When I confronted him about it he apologized for the misunderstanding, he told me that he thought it was TomTom's motto. I explained to him that this motto never even existed for TomTom, so how could he even think up of that? So him clearly lying to me, tells me that he is guilty.

My entire family (brother, mother, step-father, sister-in-law) got involved and everyone ganged up against my wife. When I stuck by her side after they attacked her, they tried to have an "intervention" with me to bring me back to the family. It was a horrible time. It went on for months and months (and I was raised to be close with my family ). I eventually decided that it would be best to agree to disagree with everyone (to avoid losing my family entirely) - but at this point I am not even hugging my brother when I see him. Things are definitely different, but I know that they need to be.

I can't seem to forget about what he did, and I can't seem to forgive him because he did not fess up to what he did (nor will he ever). He bothers me whenever I e-mail or text him because he is incredibly immature, and says alot of silly things. He doesn't speak to me like a 34 year old should.

I guess I am torn because he hurt me and my wife alot (my entire family hurt us), and now its just at the point that I am completely annoyed by him and want nothing to do with him. But I was raised to be so close to my family, so I have this voice deep within me telling me that I need to have a relationship with him...

I think it's fair to not forgive him. He hasn't apologised for anything except getting caught out. Which means there's no trust there that he wouldn't try it again. Especially now that he knows the family is on "his side." Willing to attack your wife when they would have been better to either blame him or stay out of it.

Being close to family is good. When they're a healthy and positive connection. But when they're willing to try and wreck your marriage over something that should have been apologised for immediately and then let go on all sides. That's not healthy. The voice deep inside you is talking about how things "should" be. Not necessarily how they are. And it seems like you understand that anyway, since you're keeping a safe distance now. It's a tough choice.

But it's not just you making it. Your family are making a choice too. They could choose to look for a peaceful way to co-exist with you and your wife. To admit problems when they come up. To try to be fair to everyone. If they choose to back your brother even when he's behaving badly. There's much less room for you to "meet them halfway."

Just as I see it. I'm glad you backed your wife up. That's a relationship you've chosen and that you're both committed to. And it's irrelevant what anyone else thinks about that.