I dont think anyone has ever had this

Ok so i have talked to a number of sexual assault therapists and been in therapy with other councillors for about ten years and no one can figure this out.

When I was 14 I lost my virginity to a guy and the we continued to have sex for the next year and a half to two years. He would prematurely ejaculate and I wouldn't be physically ready to begin with so it was uncomfortable and painful. I thought that sex would end in climax for me like when I masterbated but it never did. I later found out that most women can't orgasm through sex from reading books and watching documentaries. Not only was this a major upset and disappointment but I also started to feel this weird sensation in my genitals and sometimes my body when he ejaculated and when he wasn't even around like when someone would mention sex or something related especially guys talking about how awesome sex is.

This started happening after only a few times of having sex with him. He would often just come over, have sex with me for a few minutes, ejaculate and leave, leaving the condom behind for me to clean up. I would develop yeast infections, bladder infections and was even told at one point I had chlamydia which he accused me of giving him. I had never had sexual relations with anyone else.

When he left it would feel like he was still physically in me and I would feel that weird sensation in my genitals (like a shiver or opposite of arousal). I feel uncomfortably aware of my genitals and feel like I wanted to get rid of them. my whole body would shiver like someone walked over my grave and I would feel the need to spend hours in the shower washing my genitals.

I am in my late twenties now and have still never experienced orgasms through intercourse but all my girlfriends say they have. I still get these body shivers and the weird sensation in my vagina and cannot let a guy ejaculate inside me. I am very uncomfortable having sex with people in general and it makes me very anxious. I feel an overwhelming amount of jealousy and anger towards my girlfriends, my past boyfriends, my current boyfriend and pretty much everyone. I feel like I was selected to never know a pleasurable meaningful sexual relationship. I think about it literally everyday.

When I do have sex with someone and they ejaculate, my head rushes with blood and I start to feel a super rage and sadness. I feel violent towards them.

Any advice?

I'm sorry this is going on for you. Sex ought to be fun and pleasurable if it's done at all. I'm sorry if these are intrusive questions. Please ignore anything you're not comfortable with! How do you feel about masturbating now? And, have therapists talked much about your current sexlife? Ways that you can really make solid the feeling that the past isn't the present. That it's safe for you to enjoy yourself a little more. Safe to explore your sexuality without being shamed or abused for it. And to challenge the idea that this will "never" happen for you. You went through a lot. So it makes sense that it might be hard to rise above that. I don't think it's impossible though. You've had the courage to keep trying. And to be open to new relationships. That's a huge starting point.