Need help with sexual issues.

Basically I really need some help sorting some things out to find out who I really am.

I only ever had a couple of gay experiences during my years through puberty, mainly me giving oral sex which was always something that happened but was never mentioned and was pretended by both parties like it had never happened.

I struggled as a child to fit in and be liked and was bullied and teased a lot, because of that I have low self esteem about my body and sex and sexuality, I always wanted to have sex with girls but never had the courage to talk to girls and the girls all laughed at me as much as the boys, and I felt no one would ever be interested in me.

I feel I need to try straight sex at least to know whether it is what I want or not, at least that way I would know for sure whether I am gay straight or bi, I need to know for sure what I am.

I have no idea how to flirt with someone, I have no idea when someone is taking a sexual interest in me, a few women have according to other friends taken an interest in me but I have not pursued them because of the person etc. I have no idea how to let someone know I am interested in them or even how to actually meet someone.

I'm not a person that is wanting to just have random sex with anyone available and certainly won't pay for it, I'd rather go without.

I just don't know where to start and feel so sexually repressed that I am never going to have someone to share my life with, I know I really need to get some pro help with this as it is really not that normal for someone in their 30's and to still be a virgin (at least regards actual sex).

Any help and advice appreciated.

No one willing to give me any advice then it seems. It might seem a crazy post and maybe you think it is all too made up to be true, but it is. I don't know how people do these things at all. How can it be such an easy thing for people to just do?

Hey buddy.

first of all, your situation is probably not as unusual as you think. Don't just assume all those "normal" people out there are busy having a wonderful sex life. You may be in a minority, but you're definitely not alone.

second, don't blame yourself. From what you describe there are a lot of things in your past that led to low self-esteem, and it's common that people with very low self-esteem will struggle to find healthy relationships. If you hate yourself, how can you share yourself intimately with another person?

finally, don't despair. You've had sexual experiences in the past - you have sexual instincts. Full penetrative sex (straight or gay) is no "ultimate goal", if it happens it can be wonderful, but if it never happens... it won't kill you.

Work on building your self-esteem. Try to stop obsessing about sex for now, and see what happens. You need to accept it either way... which takes courage.

neverborn wrote:Hey buddy.

first of all, your situation is probably not as unusual as you think. Don't just assume all those "normal" people out there are busy having a wonderful sex life. You may be in a minority, but you're definitely not alone.

second, don't blame yourself. From what you describe there are a lot of things in your past that led to low self-esteem, and it's common that people with very low self-esteem will struggle to find healthy relationships. If you hate yourself, how can you share yourself intimately with another person?

finally, don't despair. You've had sexual experiences in the past - you have sexual instincts. Full penetrative sex (straight or gay) is no "ultimate goal", if it happens it can be wonderful, but if it never happens... it won't kill you.

Work on building your self-esteem. Try to stop obsessing about sex for now, and see what happens. You need to accept it either way... which takes courage.

Yeah your probably right, it just feels like I will never ever get intimate with anyone again or be able to change the way I am. I guess the only person that can change this is me, but that's harder said than done.

It might be a totally ridiculous question. If so I apologise. But how come you'd so firmly rule out paying a sex worker? The reason I ask is that if you spend time building up a relationship with a woman. To the point where you're comfortable having "natural" sex with her. It's going to be very complicated if you don't really enjoy it. In Timothy Claypole land, it's not entirely illegal [depending on how you go about it.] And it's possible to find review / information websites so that you can be more comfortable you're finding someone you find attractive. And who is unlikely to be trafficked or coerced.

On the more mundane level. Traditional ways of meeting people are through work or through hobbies. Short term cookery classes are a good bet in terms of raising the odds. And even if everyone turns out to be over 50. At least you get a skill out of it. [I don't mean to make this seem funny. It's just that it doesn't seem like you'd be comfortable going out clubbing which is another good way to meet a variety of people.] Or you could ask a friend to set you up with a blind date or double date. Incredibly scary! But not a terrible way to practice basic dating skills.

And to be over practical. You let someone know you're interested in them by being interested in them. Asking them if they'd like to get coffee some time is good! It's very, very low key. Much less pressure than a movie or dinner. Then you have a chance to talk to them and see if you hit it off together. If not, no harm done. You've spent an hour chatting, that's all. If things go well, then you might try a dinner invite. That's clearly a date, and if they accept. Then the ball is rolling.

Ada wrote:It might be a totally ridiculous question. If so I apologise. But how come you'd so firmly rule out paying a sex worker? The reason I ask is that if you spend time building up a relationship with a woman. To the point where you're comfortable having "natural" sex with her. It's going to be very complicated if you don't really enjoy it. In Timothy Claypole land, it's not entirely illegal [depending on how you go about it.] And it's possible to find review websites so that you can be more comfortable you're finding someone you find attractive. And who is unlikely to be trafficked.

On the more mundane level. Traditional ways of meeting people are through work or through hobbies. Short term cookery classes are a good bet in terms of raising the odds. And even if everyone turns out to be over 50. At least you get a skill out of it. [I don't mean to make this seem funny. It's just that it doesn't seem like you'd be comfortable going out clubbing which is another good way to meet a variety of people.] Or you could ask a friend to set you up with a blind date or double date. Incredibly scary! But not a terrible way to practice basic dating skills.

And to be over practical. You let someone know you're interested in them by being interested in them. Asking them if they'd like to get coffee some time is good! It's very, very low key. Much less pressure than a movie or dinner. Then you have a chance to talk to them and see if you hit it off together. If not, no harm done. You've spent an hour chatting, that's all. If things go well, then you might try a dinner invite. That's clearly a date, and if they accept. Then the ball is rolling.

All very interesting points to be fair, I just don't like the idea of paying for sex it just seems wrong to me, sex should be something 2 people should both enjoy because they want to do it.

As for finding ways to meet someone again yes clubbing is very likely not to be an option these days any more than it was back then, but the other suggestions are good, I think the biggest problem is my lack of social skills, when people hardly now me they think I am lovely, but most once they get to know me see me differently for some reason, maybe it's just my perception of it.

I did have my old boss set me up with a young woman when I was in my 20's, but tbh she only came round for a chat and a brew, to be fair she was a nut job quite possibly and had a family I really would not have wanted to get involved in from what she said. It just felt so awkward trying to talk to her but to be honest I think I had pushed that out of my mind as you have just reminded me of it lol

I agree the problem is all about me and how I feel about all my issues and until I can sort that out I will never be able to be open and intimate with anyone I guess.

airwolffan wrote:I think the biggest problem is my lack of social skills, when people hardly now me they think I am lovely, but most once they get to know me see me differently for some reason, maybe it's just my perception of it.

Maybe it's just that getting to know you also involves getting to know that you're uncomfortable with certain levels of closeness. And they're [rather unhelpfully] respecting that.

airwolffan wrote:I agree the problem is all about me and how I feel about all my issues and until I can sort that out I will never be able to be open and intimate with anyone I guess.

There's a certain amount of chicken and egg there. Being intimate doesn't mean being baggage free. Anyone over the age of 21 who claims that either has memory impairment or is a fabulous liar. But yes, responsibility for self is important. Some of the issues will be sorted out by learning to open up. Which is something that can be practiced in therapy [so I hear, haven't yet tried.] But it would need effort in the wild too.