I keep changing my thoughts

I'm 21,straight and a virgin,I have this weird situation,when one moment I feel 'warm' inside and have sexual thoughts.At other times,I can feel 'cold' and 'dead' and totally freaked out about sex.I have very low self esteem and an avoidant personality.This is why I have never had a girlfriend in my entire life.

I can sometimes think of having sex with a woman and then suddenly feel horrified and unclean.


I have never been abused at any time during my life

It sounds like you've built up a sort of phobia to sex. By avoiding doing something that you were initially uncomfortable about (sex) the unease grows into fear/repulsion. And just like any phobia, the only way to overcome the fear is to confront it. Do you think it would cause you as much anxiety to have sex as it would for someone with a phobia of water to swim? If so, it's highly likely that it is a phobia.

Do you have the horrified/unclean feelings randomly, or do they tend to be preceded by certain thought patterns (i.e. having a thought performing a sexual act, versus just thinking about the feeling of sex)?

Jessie

Im sort of the same. I have a bf though. We have bieng living together for 2 years and at the start we had sex but only for like half an hour cos he said I didnt look happy. Its not him though. Im quite shy when it comes to sex im not sure why though. He brought me out of my shyness and im eternaly thankfull for that but we havnt had sex since the start of the ralationship. I just cant relax and let myself go and I cant bring myself to come in front of him. Its strange, but we love each other and cos he is older than me he is totally understanding but I wanna make him happy in this area you know?

Is anyone else like this?

I'm a guy pushing 32 and in the same boat. I've never even had a romantic relationship my whole life, the closest thing to anything resembling that level of contact is probably a quick peck on the mouth during some silly childhood party game.

When I think of sex, it feels like something dirty, something I might catch a disease from. It probably wouldn't have mattered if the girl is probably clean and healthy. Since I also have a fear of intimacy, thinking about being naked and close to someone also puts me off. I don't like being touched. For a period of time in my childhood I was sexually abused by one of my mothers lovers, it's most likely one of the reasons. I was also physically abused by my nanny around the age of 3-4. In addition to that, I was physically and verbally bullied at school, although the physical part stopped when I got older. Neither my mother (father left home when I was a kid) nor the teacher seemed to care, they just implied it all was supposed to be a part of life. And it was hard to fight back when I got 5-6 people ganging up on me, shouting demeaning and embarrassing things.My father was also prone to critisizing me, always drawing out all the negative aspects, and hardly ever complementing me on anything positive. It makes it hard for me to trust people.

Anyway... Some girls seemed to express interest in me over the years, but they distanced themselves when they apparently realized I "wasn't like the other guys". Anyway, I actually didn't think much about it over the years, but now pretty much all the people I know either have girlfriends or are married and have a baby or one on the way, and that does make it somewhat embarrassing as it pops up in topics sometimes (like, "dude, why don't YOU have a girlfriend?"), though on a general level I mostly still don't really care about it. And the thought of having someone else around 24 hours a day scares the hell out of me.

I got real drunk a few months ago, and went out to drink more as I ran out of alcohol. I went to a bar, and actually got hit on after a while. But as usual, I managed to just throw it all away, as I kept her at a distance until she lost interest and left.

It's something I've tried to work on on several occasions, but the outcome hasn't been very successful. Therapy I've tried, though it didn't seem to lead anywhere after quite a few sessions. I just reverted to the same inane level of reasoning. What's distressing is that I'm aware of it, yet incapable of dealing with it. I'm not taking any medication, but I realize it's probably something I might have to deal with soon. I'll probably have to work for a long time to pick my problems apart. Even though that seems like an impossible task right now.