Scared of winding up alone because of lack of libido?

Hope this is the right forum to post this in. Has anyone else felt this way? And if so, how have you dealt with it? I'm afraid I don't have a very high sex drive and that no one will want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. But I do have sexual urges and masturbate and get pleasure from reading porn. However it seems like I do so less than the general population and even when I masturbate I've never climaxed (at least I don't think I have).

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have intimacy issues or something. Like, maybe I'm just scared of having sex? I mean, I guess I kinda am. I'm afraid of it hurting, I guess. I can't even get two fingers up my vagina, even one finger hurts and doesn't really feel all that pleasurable. So how am I ever going to accommodate a real penis? If/when I do have sex, I want it to be with someone special, someone I really really trust and am gonna marry. I'm not Christian, but I don't want to have sex with someone unless I really love and trust them. I play for keeps, lol. Still, if my problem is a fear of sex then I don't know why. I was never raped or sexually assaulted or anything like that. I was abused somewhat as a child by my older brother, but never in a sexual way. So I don't know why?

Anyway, I'm scared I'm gonna wind up forever alone because of this. It seems like everybody wants/needs sex to remain in a relationship. In our hypersexualized society, I feel very alone. It feels like there is no one else like me, though I know that isn't true. It's frustrating and sometimes I just wish I could be "normal" and have a sex drive like everybody else. Life would be so much easier. I wouldn't be awkwardly left out of conversations about sex or how sexy someone is. I have a therapist, but I haven't really talked about this with her. I've scratched the surface, but haven't really delved deep into it. She's not a sex therapist and besides I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with her. My mother tells me she was the same way when she was young, and that when I meet the right guy things will change, but what if they don't? I don't know. Any advice on this subject matter would be much appreciated.

This sounds like you are projecting your anxiety regarding sex onto your anxiety regarding relationships. They are kind of two different things. Sex helps in the formation of initial attraction and bonding, but it doesn't hold relationships together in the long term. Also it's not essential for falling in love, plenty of people do that without sexual contact.

So maybe focus on the relationship issue first, as the main priority. Then as sexuality arises in a natural context of a relationship, it will likely resolve itself in the natural course of things. Or if you need help with it, you can address that then. There are many way to give and receive pleasure in a relationship. What works for you both, is something you can work out with your partner.

Also I wouldn't hesitate to discuss these anxieties with your therapist. She can help you to learn to deal with them effectively, and move beyond them, but only if you allow her to help you. One of the saddest things is people who have an opportunity to be helped but hold back when they should move forward. So please don't fall into that trap. You can have future relationships to enhance the quality of your life, but that requires action on your part. Don't pass up an opportunity to act.

I think a lot of women feel the same way as you, but hide it. It is not politically correct to use the term "frigid" but for lack of an easier term to grab off the top of my head, it used to be that almost every woman I dated confessed after we got serious that she was "frigid" and really had trouble enjoying sex (not just with me, lol, but throughout her sexual life), so it was like some secret they all kept from each other, but almost universal.

Nowadays, I think people are becoming more aware, open about sexuality, and we have this great new term, "pansexual" to mean a person who can only be sexually aroused after they are emotionally invested / connected / aroused. And it is almost universally women who are embracing this label. Not most, but a fair and growing minority of them. And, in fact, I think biologically ALL women are pansexual, unlike men. It may not be their "core" way of viewing themselves, so they do not use it to identify their sexuality over terms like poly, bi, hetero, etc., but it still does fit somewhat.

Why this difference? Here's the answer. It is a metaphor / analogy to illustrate what is happening, not a literal / biological fact, but pretend it is and you will basically have all the answers you need.

We all have two bodies, not one. Every person is NOT male or female, we are all hermaphrodites, being half woman and half man. Each life we live, we come into the world and our male and female sides are divided, one becomes our physical body and one becomes our emotional body. The emotional body is not some foo-foo spiritual thing totally metaphysical. It is biologically connected in the brain.

Picture a yin yang symbol. That is basically you. The white is your body, the visible part of you, the black is your emotional body, one male, one female.

Women (physical women) are inherently much more connected to their emotional body. After all, that is where they get the most stimulation, where they are strongest. It is like women have an emotional phallus, easy to excite, easy to stroke, to bring to emotional release, pleasure. The flipside of the male physical sex organs, easy to stimulate, arouse, excite, release.

Men, getting so much stimulation from their physical sexuality / body naturally are more fixated on that. Women, getting so much stimulation from their emotional sexuality / body naturally are more fixated on that. But it goes further.

Moreover, just as women in their physical body have a clit as their key arousal spot, much harder to find, stimulate and arouse/pleasure than a penis, men basically have an emotional clit, which is why it is harder to get us emotional, why we are just less emotional, and can much more easily control our emotions. Men generally CANNOT UNDERSTAND how women are able to say no to sex, decline sex, go a long time without sex, because we are so controlled by our sexual urges. Just as women do not understand how men are able to control their emotions, feel less emotions, need less emotional stimulation/release, etc. We are basically exact mirror images, just pretend women are emotional in the same way men are sexual.

In addition, to get a full and complete sexual, orgasmic experience, for men and women, we need BOTH bodies to be aroused, making love, having intercourse. It is sadly not typical, but it should be. But for men, our emotional vagina CANNOT become lubricated, ready for emotional intercourse until and unless we have our physical body aroused first. It opens the gateway in the brain between the physical and emotional body that lets our sexual energy pour into the emotional body, get the clit going, get the emotional vagina going. We feel romantic love AFTER we feel physical sensual arousal from a woman. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Women are the opposite. It is biologically impossible to get the physical female sex organs aroused, or aroused enough for orgasm, without FIRST arousing, stroking, exciting her emotional sex organs. Luckily it is pretty easy since she's got an emotional penis, easy to find, stroke, pleasure. Sadly, we are taught nothing about this process, so even if it should be easy, we are so ignorant even this "easy" step is a mystery most of us fail to grasp / master. Anyway, only after the emotional phallus is stimulated in a woman, does that go through that brain connection to the physical body to allow full arousal of the physical sexuality.

That is why all women are pansexual. And all men are basically the opposite, we only fall into romantic love after some physical stimulation paves the way, opens the door to our clitoral heart.

I think your lack of sexual interest is a function that very few men you have tried to date have been able to arouse your emotions, or have even tried. Most men are under the completely wrong view that women just need their physical body aroused the "right" way to make them have awesome sex, lots of thrusting, oral, etc. No, that's pointless unless the emotional is aroused. The best male lovers, at physical sexual prowess, are actually only doing well on 50% of the test, which is a failing grade in any class.

Another issue that is more prevalent every passing generation is this: Everyone today is taught more each passing generation to suppress their emotions. Don't look weird, don't show too much of any emotion. We all suppress emotions, which is like turning down the thermostat on our emotions. The more you turn this down and repress emotions, the less you can feel in your emotional body. So the harder it is to arouse you emotionally, which is a precursor to arousing you physically/sexually. Is it easier to arouse a guy sexually if he is naked, exposed penis, or if he is wearing jeans covered by snow pants, covered by layers and layers of blankets? Yeah, that is what our emotional bodies are like when we regularly suppress / repress emotions, so even if we try to arouse a woman's emotional body, and even if she has a big emotional cock that longs for stroking and caressing and exciting, it is still harder to reach, to stimulate. You need to start feeling/processing your emotions, not suppressing them.

To do that, in part, you need to clear your emotional blocked channels. They are blocked by old suppressed emotions that have built up over time, like a bowel obstruction. Search your memories for any memory that is painful. If a memory is painful, that means you repressed your emotions tied to that memory, they are blocked down inside. Dive into the memory, into the pain, let it wash over you, feel all the emotions, worry it like a sore tooth to get it all out, till all the pain is gone and it is clear. Dive into the next painful memory you can find. It is not hard. Painful memories are like flashing red lights in your mind, they naturally attract your attention when you look within, they long to be cleared/processed. Do this as much as you can, and you will naturally find your emotions running through for processing, not being repressed automatically by blocked channels.

Then your emotional body will be much easier and automatically aroused, then your sexuality will be much more aroused, easier to get stimulated.

Note, there may be some women who suggest they are sexual without emotional connection. Perhaps certain forms of sexual abuse or issue can cause a dysfunction like that, same as some abuse can cause some one to feel pain as pleasure (masochists), but I'm talking about the "typical" scenario. I think most women who actually learn to orgasm more easily in sex with men who they are not emotionally connected to use fantasies in their mind, kind of learn to masturbate their emotional body to get themselves available for sexual pleasure with mean who are basically not stimulating the emotional body. That is another tool you could use, learn to masturbate your emotional body to get yourself into a sexual mood. It's not best, just like for a guy, sexual masturbation not as fun as real sex, but is another tool you can use.