All I've ever done is talk about it...

... and no change has happened. Well, yes. Change has happened, but for the worse.

And it's not true that all I've ever done is talk about it... I've acted.

I thought I had to together in 2013. I was clean from weed (or any other drug I could get my hands on) I was staying away from forums and content that was not good for me (that's a lie, it was good for me, if I am honest, how can I say it was not good if it is what I wanted?) Let's say I was staying away from content that was not good.

I had found the right therapist, whom I trusted and was able to lay it all out on the table.

It's a long time since then... I've had the awkward sadness of family estrangement.

Though I should consider myself a fortunate one, as I haven't lost them all... The troubling thought, or goal, I seem to be aiming for is to loose everyone.

But, it is I who is pulling away from them. For the reason that I feel I have failed and ashamed to be around them. Especially when all that is on my mind is to get home and get high and get on line and act out again.

Today I don't act out sexually, unless I have a drug. Weed mainly for masturbation. (to numb out the guilt and enhance to arousal / orgasm) Molly or any stimulant for anal play, which has become a bore, a chore, and just something I do, to feel '###$ you' or '###$ me' whichever...

And it's damned frustrating... Such has been my conditioning over the last few years, that I don't ever feel attraction, or arousal to anyone, anywhere. I keep all of these feelings tied down, until I have a joint, go to bed and jerk off to porn, then smoke another to take the bad feelings away, then I sleep.

I have damaged my self, abrased my glans. I have a urologists appointment this week and I think that's a laugh! Because my trust of self care is next to nothing. Seldom have I followed any doctors orders, be it my gp, counsellor, physiatrist, or just friendly support or advice from friends and family.

I am feeling hopeless and that I am wasting my time writing this and wasting the time of anyone who would read it.

As I know this is just more talking... No action.

A couple of weeks ago, I had another episode of shooting my mouth off to the wrong people, namely, my sister. I was upset and she's worried for me. I broke down in a cry for help, but she can't help. So it makes me so sad, because I miss her so much. It's like I've ''checked out" for years... Like I'm not there... Just this ghost of all the trauma and $#%^ I have put on myself and family for years.

What's worse, is I've weaponised this trauma, in my acting out, and in my perception of who I am.

So, last week, I was given an ultimatum from my brother... He says he needs some time away from me, until he sees some improvement, until I am well, or getting better... That's all he wants
That's all I want to It's not that he's out of my life. He's just tired and can't help me. He's there for me in so many other ways, but he can't help with this. He's offer his advice "Get off line"

HA! and here I am ... online... wtf???