Gay obsession...at times

I am a 65 year old guy. When I was young, early teens, me and some other boys experimented with each other sexually for a couple of year on and off. Touching, masturbating, blow jobs anal.

Thing is, as far as being true friends, these two were really jerks a lot of the time out side of the sexual stuff, could be ass holes at times.

These other two eventually moved away and that was the end of it. I Soon discovered girls and got into having sex with them, etc etc. Life went on.

Then several years later me and one of the boys, tom, met up at a party, one thing led to another, and we ended up giving each other blow jobs. Things is that as soon as I cummed, I was grossed out by the whole thing and felt like it was a huge mistake. End of story, sort of. Never saw him again.

But as time goes by I still think about these youthful experiences and get aroused thinking about those times. I especially think about one boy, Tommy and at times so much want to have sex with him : Suck him off, let him F me in the ass. i jerk off and think about it but after I cum am so glad it was just a fantasy and not real. It would be gross. When I think about the reality of by chance meeting up with him, he's probably some hairy, gross looking guy that would be a huge turn off.

Ive looked at gay porn at times and Transexual's that are extremely feminine, that could pass for a women if you saw them on the street really turn me on. I look at gay porn at times and very feminine skinny shaved guys can turn me on too. But what one see's on porn sites is a far cry from the reality of what real life is.

I am not hung up on being anti gay or anything like that. I support LGBT rights.

If I smoke some weed once in a while I can get into gay fantasies but as soon as I cum I am so glad it was not real. For if it was real , reality would kick in and some how my attraction to that person would fall apart. I would see them as a guy not a desirable sex object. When I walk around in daily life 99.5% of the guys I see look gross to me from a sexual arousal stand point of view.

I would never want to be in a relationship with a guy: Holding hands, living together, cuddling. But an encounter with the "right" guy ( thin, completely shaved, very feminine, women's lingerie), I could get into, but just for sex and nothing more---not a relationship, just a ###$ and that's it.

I have had many girlfriends in my life, love holding hands, kissing them, doing oral sex to them, having sex with them and just hanging out with them, living with them, having a relationship with them.


The issue I am having is this: I obsess mostly about having sex with the one kid of my youth tom, but those days are long gone , over , in the past but they still haunt me, like a tooth ache that wont go away. Tom was a jerk a user and today if I had a "friend" like that, he would not be a friend at all and not part of my life. Wish I could erase him and all traces of those early experimentation's out of my head.
Or my encounter with the "right" guy as described above----but when I think about that ---i"m chasing a ghost, a fantasy that is not real.....not sure if such a person exists that would meet my specifications....sure some trans porn stars do,,,but porn stars are not real, they are porn stars..

I feel trapped by these fantasies.....wish I could just let them go. No I don't beat my self up over them, but just wish I did not have them.