Husbands porn addiction

I am really struggling at the moment. My husband and I have been together 27 years, married for 25. We have grown children together.

I’ve always had an issue with porn, this stems from my ex husband who would constantly put me down and look at porn magazines while we were in bed together.

When my husband and I got together I explained this was a hard limit for me.

I’ve often asked him about my suspicions on him watching porn. He swore to me he didn’t watch it but there were tell tale signs. Browser history on the PC etc but he always denied it. Even telling me I was mental and it was all in my head, I needed to get help!!

Our sex life has been good but it has suffered because I knew he was sorting himself out to porn. I started thinking to myself that if that’s what he wants then get on with it. Have porn but not sex. So it started a vicious circle.

I caught him red handed a few days ago. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. We did sit down and talk and he finally admitted his dependency and the damage he knew he’d done to me over the years by gaslighting me into thinking I was overthinking and that he wasn’t doing what he was accused of.

I’m now at a point where I don’t know what to do. He said he’s blocked porn in his phone and won’t watch it. I’ve told him that this is the final straw and I cannot this anymore. It stops or we are finished.

I’m struggling with my feelings on this. I don’t know what to do. I love him and want to fix this but I don’t trust him. I feel hurt and let down. Last night we talked and I felt I could move forward, draw the line so to speak but then I woke this morning with a burning rage over it again. I wanted to hurt him to make him feel some of the pain I’m feeling.

I don’t know what to do.

Hello and welcome.

How has the week gone?

I would urge you not to do anything to 'hurt' him. I mean, I don't know what that does for either of you, other than temporary release on your part. Don't fix anything.

As far as trusting him... well, I wouldn't trust myself to not look at it. It's really hard to stop- at least for most of us mere mortals, it is. Such a powerful dopamine hit, especially if you're masturbating to it. Sometimes I think may as well be one of them rhesus monkeys with their pleasure center wired to a switch. Just keep hitting that switch....

I keep thinking about your anger- I think until you can deal with that, it'll be impossible to think clearly- and by 'thinking clearly' I certainly don't mean giving him a pass- unless that becomes part of the solution. What the solution is, I don't know- but I am concerned that anger might cloud your judgement.

Given that this is the sexual addiction forum, and you're not the one with the addiction, I'm not sure this thread will stay here- it might be better in Significant Others, or in Relationships. Depending on the direction of the discussion. Or it might be that a separate topic is warranted in one of those.

So, keeping with Sexual Addiction, all I know is that it's hard to stop porn. The internet makes it all too easy- but I seem to recall looking at it even when I did have to run the gauntlet to the newsstand and hope no one who knew me caught me buying pornography, then sneak it into the house (when I still lived at home, anyway). If I was willing to jump through all those hurdles- and the printed page is not nearly as addictive as constantly changing images on a screen!- well, you can get an idea of just how hard a habit it is to break.

Would y'all do therapy? Would he be willing to do therapy? There are sex addiction orginasations. Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous come to mind. They might even have in-person groups nearby. I can't remember if either do online groups, or not.

There is help available- if he's willing, and you hold his feet to the fire.

Thank you for your reply.

In my head I’ve done all kinds of unsavory things to him but that’s where it’s stayed. In my head because I’m not a harmful person in the physical sense. I’ve been cruel to him, certainly in the early days when he was finally opening up and I believe expressing his honest feelings. But that was the anger and shock on my part.

I am currently in counselling/therapy. Just to try and deal with my own feelings of worthlessness and almost betrayal I guess. He has said he will get therapy if that’s what I want him to do. This in itself made me angry. It needs to be what he wants to do, not because i have asked or expected it of him.

I fully appreciate the availability or porn is so easy now. Literally at your fingertips with the click of a button. Many years ago he would have had to wait until I was out of the house as we never had a tv in the bedroom then. Where as now he does it when I’m downstairs. And that’s also what I’m struggling with. Almost feel like a “she hates this but tough, my body my business” kind of attitude.

He’s promised to do better. Whatever that looks like. I certainly don’t want to toss off (pardon the pun) 25 years of marriage over this. I want it to be better and to be able to trust him. But that’s the whole issue. He said it’s an addiction and a need and yet in the next breath he says he won’t go on the sites again. An addict can’t do that so easily.

I want to help him and support him because I truly do love him. But I also need to find a way to
Unravel the years of lies and denial in my head.

In every other way, he is a good man, an amazing father, hard working and I want for nothing. All I ask is for honesty and truth. And if he can’t give me that then we are finished and that scares the absolute life out of me. Incorporating porn into our relationship is not an option. Maybe had he been honest years ago then this may have been possible.

Everin wrote:He has said he will get therapy if that’s what I want him to do. This in itself made me angry. It needs to be what he wants to do, not because i have asked or expected it of him.

Well, maybe he meant 'what you want to do' vs just being done with him. Trying to play Devil's Advocate for him, anyway.

I think it'll be really hard to stop completely. But I'm not saying it's impossible, either. All I can speak from is my own self, and what others have struggled with here. And it's hard to stop.

I'm not you. I feel as if I should argue that you might have to reach a compromise. He looks at it... within some set of rules. What those are I don't know. I'm not sure how you get to a place where you completely trust him not to, when it is not only hard to stop, but also how easy it is to look at.