I'm so ashamed. Worried about my sexual health.

I'm just so ashamed of myself for being connected to this. It's been a problem for most of my life. I just don't know how to feel good about myself remembering all of the things I did in the past. My life was filled with nothing but porn, sexting, and thoughts of acting out what I saw when I was a teenager. It's not on that level now. If anything, I would say it's better but still not where I want to be. I'm just too ashamed of being apart of this.

I somehow came across porn at a young age like most people have. I haven't watched it in quite some time, but remembering the videos, the acting out, and the impulsive that I've done really mess me up. I hate the taboo videos I've watched and I hated how much I've escalated and didn't understand how wrong this stuff was.

I'm not doubt addicted to this stuff. It's no doubt messed me up. I don't want to remember the videos I've seen and how I've treated girls in the past but I do. I don't want to remember the bad memories but I do. I've even seen messed up things that I wasn't supposed to as a teenager but just didn't know better. I wish I did but I didn't.

I've spent such a long time watching pornography and it really bothers me. What bothers me more is my habits with masturbating. I don't know who else to talk about this with so I just use this place as an outlet.

I have a bump that may be a frodyce spot and it hasn't gone away ever since last summer. It doesn't bother me, doesn't hurt, but I can't pop it to get rid of it. I tried and it became inflamed but it went back to normal the next day. I get another white fluid filled bump that comes back when I pop it and I'm just worried if my addiction has ruined my overall health and well-being. All I ever do is worry about this and look up if other people have similar stories. I can never find any and no matter how much I think I'm okay I have this worry in the back of my head.

This is all because of how I escalated the way I masturbated. I was bored of the usual way and went to prone masturbation on surfaces. Most of the time, this doesn't really feel like anything but one time it wasn't bad At first it wasn't bad but when I did the same on a wall. It wasn't very clean and it didn't feel good at all and that's when I noticed I got this frodyce spot and these skin bumps that haven't gone away. I went to get it checked and was told I don't have an infection. I just hate that I resorted to this because I wanted a new kind of high when doing this. I hate that I've been so hooked on this and that I couldn't stop myself. I hate that I may have a sexual health concern and I'm too scared to go and seek help. I'm too afraid to bring this to other people because of guilt and shame. I just wish I didn't have to go through this at any point in my life.

I'm just scared and I feel hopeless about this whole thing.

Your not alone mate. I'm 20 and I've had a problem for years and I've never been able to stay clean longer than a week. I'm so ashamed of my behaviors I can't fathom telling anyone. I'd do anything to get rid of this, and I mean that. My life is slowing draining from me.

All I can say is I hope u can find the strength to push on and find a better life because I know how shameful and self esteem killing it can be.

I've been trying to get my life together by building up some esteem and just keeping all of this stuff out of my life with blockers and whatever else can just keep me away.


Is what was written in any way sounding like contracting HPV or STIs?

guiltshameregret wrote:
Is what was written in any way sounding like contracting HPV or STIs?

No.