What is sexual addiction, how can it affect your life?

Hi!
I'm new here and I was advised by my therapist to seek online help with people that might have been in similar situations. I'll try to keep it short. I've been with my wife since I was young, around 20 years old by the time.

Everything happened pretty fast and after a year we were living together. everything was fine at first but then I started feeling under appreciated somehow, and ended up cheating for the first time a year later.. fast forward 15 years and I have done it countless times with several women. until recently I got caught cheating. Even while I was doing all these affairs I've kept porn as an ally, as something to take the edge off where i would masturbate between 3-5 times a day, sometimes watching porn, sometimes just chatting with women and exchanging pictures and so..

I never thought of porn or masturbation as a bad thing, I've never said no to my wife when she wanted it and even with all this sex, i was still the one initiating most of the times. But, after talking with the therapist and being diagnosed as a sex addict I am deeply confused. Of course now that I've been caught i will not stay with my wife and we are separating, even though we have a young child. I'm ok with that as long as I can help my child grow and have a healthy relationship I'm fine.

I guess my question now becomes, do I need to change something in me? I feel like all this importance I've put into sex has led me here, but also probably because I wasn't being fullfilled in that field at home, I have encountered women that made me feel whole and happy, but somehow society, religion whatever, gives you the idea that sex is not important, porn is evil, and masturbation is wrong... I have a hard time changing the way I see things because I still think that even though what I did was wrong, it was just due to the circunstances. I've had women that left me pretty satisfied and porn was not even needed for a couple of days. I wonder now that if I find one of these women that satisfy me sexually I might still have a good life and not have to change any of my core values, because even though I'm just a stranger for you guys I am an exemplar father, always present for my kid, and always helpful at home and with my wife.

What do you think? Is porn bad for your health? Is masturbation that wrong? What can I do about myself? How can I change my core values so that I don't make the same errors from the past?

I would like to se myself in a couple of years and be proud of myself, feel like I have dignity and Integrity. Feel free to be tough with me, I think i need it actually.

You understand that I myself look at porn, before I say this- yes, I think porn's unhealthy. In my mind, there's plenty of evidence that it's not good for us. Some of it along the same lines as social media being bad for you kind of thing- that dopamine hit. I'd say that porn also sets up false expectations- if you stop and think about it, porn is idealised perfection. It's what we make it in our minds. I think at the least it's something best consumed in moderation, if stopping is too difficult.

confusedexpat wrote:
I've had women that left me pretty satisfied and porn was not even needed for a couple of days.

I wonder now that if I find one of these women that satisfy me sexually I might still have a good life and not have to change any of my core values

I guess what I'd have to wonder, is whether such a woman would continue to keep you satisfied, or whether it would become mundane, once the new wore off?

Thank you for your reply.
So, if porn is like social media with the dopamine hit, and we consume both in moderation it should be ok?

I think my main problem is the impulse control, because if I start with a new partner I don’t wanna fall into the same patterns, not about the porn, but about the cheating, lying and deceiving which has been my main behavior with my current partner.

I guess what I'd have to wonder, is whether such a woman would continue to keep you satisfied, or whether it would become mundane, once the new wore off?

You’re right they also need to fulfill you emotionally, so that when that happens you still want to be faithful and control all your impulses. My question would be what kind of exercises can you practice to regain this control? I’ve been told to start with stopping with the lies, even the ones that won’t hurt anyone… I’ve also started to set goals for the masturbation and keep it off for a few days at a time… I see people here that for 20+ days. I don’t think that’s necessary in my case because, just like alcohol once in a while wouldn’t hurt I guess?

In general I just wanna be a better man for the future and understand what is acceptable or not.. if you understand that porn is a fantasy just like the rich guys or girls you see in social media… should be fine? Also, if the partner I’ll have next can fulfill some of those fantasies and I acknowledge that it’s the best a person can have I don’t need to chase more thrill… my porn preferences never changed or got worse, it’s always been the same kind of stuff and I’m ok with it… so I guess that having just a “normal” sex live (that in my opinion I wasn’t having) could make most of my impulses, urges and lying go away? Maybe I’m kidding myself here and even though rationality I can think of all of this I don’t know how to prevent it if it happens in real life…

I think it's better to not consume, don't think I was advocating for using it at all.

But what I am saying, is that there are times, and things, that we have a hard time managing, so sometimes the best we can do is to try and manage our bad habits and/or addictions. Doing things that are just enough to take the edge off, and trying not to go overboard again and again and again. That's how I manage my own personal demons. Try to stick to things that are the least harmful to me and those in my life. Thus, I preach moderation. Which isn't exactly the same as advocating it, if you get me.