Struggling with Porn and Masturbation

I am having lot of deep suicidal thoughts about myself because I feel like there is no hope for me to continue life as I have no hope in recovery from porn and masturbation.. you know I was trying for last 7+ years actively for coming out of this addiction and all through this time I never regained control.. There were some moments of control but as it is followed by big periods of absolute insanity.. I tried therapy two three times specifically for this and it actually made it worse..like what it did was made me feel okay with watching porn that was cruel thing.. like it's not okay to watch porn anyone saying that to you is controlling or manipulating you.. I gone to twelve steps and I experianced some extreme demands that made me felt traumatic .. but tbh twelve steps gave me 79 days soberity in my life after a long time and you know still looking that I feel little bit courage.. because I had lost all hope that I will never ever able to get over this but this helped me.. I am afraid of sponsors manipulating me in twelve steps also things like temper tantrums inside the groups.. but anyway I think it's the only place for me right now.. and give it a try.. it's my 4th sponsor in the group and I am concerned abt that.. but yeah I need to fight this addiction the addiciton is not simple to overcome..it's so strong.. and yeah I relapsed yesterday that made me feel so bad because I had an 18 days period.. just after relapse nowadays I feel a need to self harm me like beating myself or something.. and yeah that made me feel more worse...

When I relapse I spent hours watching on it which makes me concerned .. that my brain feel painfull after it.. my body slows down..responses slows down and I become agitated for no reason.. I become easily angered.. and I don't feel any feelings.. it's like I am all ready for being controlled I don't put boundaries and people start to make me do things that I don't like..
I need to describe my boundaries while working the program or it will hurt me.. because you know there are people int he group that believe whatever they say are correct and I am also concerned abt that..

Like no, it's not.. so I want to set boundaries.. I have a small job that helps me manage my food expenses ..but that too depended on 12 steps people's..so yeah it actually sounds like a cult.. like but you know I have no Other options.. I had defined my boundaries and yeah that include not being overly extreme and not enforcing me to do this much meetings.. and all.. those are things that I need to correct..

Yeah I am free from it for like 12 days and I can sense the distance..it's like looking at a burning house from a distance, yes it's hurt that the thought I want to enter the burning house because apparently I believe many precious stuffs are inside there.. but you know I know I will get hurt and probably burn to death... So yeah I am free from it for a while and it doesn't mean I m free from it forever it's a daily program and I don't want to go back there.. I want to resolve my anger issues... And I want to vent a lot ..I want to practise relaxation.. mediatate.. control my temptations because a lot of them are there even today whenever I go out there I can see the town is filled with temptations..but it's empowering tht I m not out there all drained and dead.. atleast I start to look after my bussiness. I feel irritated at many situations outside like waiting in a traffic lane makes me nervous and also looking at shopkeepers face before paying... Also looking at random girls that looked at me... Yeah those are situations that I still struggle with..but yeah my intelligence somewhat uplift d able to perform task by a plan... And that's good...
Good hair growth..
As well...

I am free from it for like 16 days today... It's ending now .. and yeah I feel like I got lot of positive outcomes from others.. like I am astonished by the way some random things happen around me like.. random female spotting me and comin and sitting next to me.. random female coming to halls that I sit and staring at me like she know I was there .. you know that's little bit Weird things.. I am getting jealous at girls for no reason seems to me like a friction has developed.. I see women being touchy... You know.. anyway I am not gonna watch porn or fap just because this weird things happen that's so foolish.. so foolish.. I am also becoming more aware of the toxic influences around me that's draining me down.. like you know certain social media trends and all.. I am also getting aware about passive approaches by others to influence my thoughts.. I don't like that.. so I'd ont want to hurt them... ...
And yeah my mother was like crazy over me.. she don't like me having my own food and life.. that's sort of triggers her narcisstic rage.. yeah whatever... I sometimes fail to announce limitis when it comes to work and sometimes I work for 5 hrs or something without break and that will make me little bit mentally crazy and angry after that.. so that's an issue..

It's Day 19 today.. and yeah I am not dead ..!! Many 12 steppers told me I would be dead if I stay away from meetings... ###$ that.. I hate that yesterday one of my exsponsor told me to stay away from pretty girls and this mfer announced yesterday that he had been into a relationship..it was so ugly from someone that they tell others to stay away from pretty girls where they themselves are simping over girls.. that's very low level game from them.. ok whatever .. but you know I am happy because I got the luck to experiance freedom from porn masturbation and orgasm for 19 days and yeah.. the thing is I don't wanna go back to porn in anyway..porn is so destructive for me.. I am bored most of the time now.. I feel my sexual energy is trapped and you know I am concerned wheather I am having it all right..

Like I am grumpy and irritated all the time... Not well.. i have been feeling lonely.. alone.. for many days.. nothing happening in my life..I am sad abt many things...

Hi.
I can't say that I understand all of the things that you are describing, but I read your previous posts and felt the energy, the pain, and the bitterness behind them. So, I wanted to say that I am happy that you succeeded in keeping your streak, as you wanted.

I believe it's healthy to masturbate as long as it's in an appropriate setting. I dont need to access porn every time. I can go long periods without thinking about it. When I do get the urge it usually lasts a few days. Evenings alone I can relax naked with lotion / oil and fantasize. My sessions can last all evening into the .morning. I relax and take my time.

I think one person's moderate behavior, can be another's excessive behavior, it depends I think a large part on the person's circumstances and how disruptive it is for them.

Snaga wrote:I think one person's moderate behavior, can be another's excessive behavior, it depends I think a large part on the person's circumstances and how disruptive it is for them.

Yeah I agree.. I feel like I had a emotional Breakdown after practising 27 days of not watching porn and masturbating.. instead of feelings uplifted I was feeling like dry.. I was lashing out at my mother and employer and started to verbally abuse their family and stuff. That was crazy and I don't know I am fed up with going through the addiciton recovery stages everytime.. it's so exhausting me bringing up recovery and slowly recovery daily and then one day losing it all . It's very humiliating and shamefully experiance for me.. because at the end always the addiciton wins and all my dreams abt a life free of addiction is gone. In my case last time one main trigger was the over exertion of me to do work for 10.6 hrs and that hurted me a lot.. I was like lost and because of that I hated employer so much.. but if I look into it clearly it happens because I feel like I am guilty because I never gave hime the contracted workhours and that made me feel obliged to work more and not put my health first.. that's crazy and I am still struggling in addiction.you know I still am very sad about having no relationship and afraid abt leaving home.its a scary thing for me.i presently don't want to leave home because it's horrifying for me to move away from mother indont know I felt abandoned without her.. like everyone gonna target me and hurt me if I a away from my home and i am left defenseless.. it's all a part of my mental illness and yeah I am fighting it ..
I am glad I am free from smoking and you know I am getting anxiety or panic attacks from time to time because of employers demands in workplace it make me feel sick. About the time and stuff. I am also concerned about my mental health working there as well