Mind absolutely screwed up

I'm 28 and I've come to the conclusion this was always meant to be me since I was overly obsessed with sex since I was a child and had no outlets.

First seen P at 10, watching it regular by 11 addicted and getting off to P everyday by 13, full on escalated and addicted to trans p by 16/17.

I compulsively get off several times a day.

I started seeing escorts by 22,
I've regrettably slept with 11 pre op transgender escorts (never enjoyed them, felt dead energy was way off, left me feeling numb empty, terrible or suicidal at times).

Im not certain but it's possible that i slept with a few very convincing, passible, post op South American transgender escorts posing as female( even tho I know the thinking is wrong, my mind is at the point of that any woman from South America with a vag is a post op, so I tend to avoid, unless I'm certain).

I've also slept with hundreds of 'independent' female escorts from different parts of the world (different women/revisits) in my country and visited brothels.

All this by 28 years of age and I can't seem to stop.

I've temporarily been with a woman who wasn't an escort but I royally screwed that up.

Still hooked on pornography, no matter how hard I try I can't go further than 1-4 days abstinence anymore.

No life outside this addiction other than porn and waisting my money on escorts.

I constantly sign up for dating/hookup websites and end up deleting them. I've had my photos stolen by a predator and used against me.

I have no real friends and never have.

I'm dead inside.

Sorry if this post is all over the place but it's a insight into my mind, all over the place.

Also I'm diagnosed with an General Anxiety Disorder and my medical records state I have Addictive Personality.

I have no STI's or STD's always safe always use condoms.

Again sorry this post is all over the place.

I do not know where I can seek help, no idea.
My life/head is just f**ked. I'm now dipping into savings.

Hi TornadoMind.
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. Being introduced to P at age 10 has certainly steered you in a direction that has not brought you peace and happiness. As you have experienced, sex can put a powerful hold on a person and it appears you have been caught up in the trap of false promises that P seems to offer.
You states at the end of your post > I do not know where I can seek help, no idea. < You mentioned being "diagnosed" so that tells me you've sought professional medical help. I would suggest you also seek help from a higher power. I won't try to "convince" you of a course of action but I do want to put it out there that I believe there is a God who loves you and will accept you no matter what you've done. I don't want to sound like a religious zealot but after having read you're story I couldn't just move on without telling you what has helped me. I've done things in my life that were wrong (and still do, though I try not to). I hate to use religious terms as they can be easily misinterpreted, but it's clear you are seeking to change your life and you regret things you've done. That's called repentance. And when you repent you can be forgiven. Start by forgiving yourself, continue moving in a new direction and, no matter how many times you fall, get back up and keep moving forward. One of my favorite sayings is, "When you're going through hell.... keep going!"
You're addicted to a pattern of unfulfilling behavior. Like the old song, you're "looking for love in all the wrong places". You've been robbed of your childhood by P but you're only 28 and still young (I'm 75). There's no reason to be robbed of your adulthood as well. Believe me, there is hope even when things seem hopeless. I don't know you but, believe it or not, I care about you.
Hang tough. I can tell you're a survivor. You've made it this far and I know you'll survive this.
And, you may not believe in it, there's many who don't, but I will pray for you.

TornadoMind wrote:I'm 28 and I've come to the conclusion this was always meant to be me since I was overly obsessed with sex since I was a child and had no outlets.

First seen P at 10, watching it regular by 11 addicted and getting off to P everyday by 13, full on escalated and addicted to trans p by 16/17.

21cDiogenes wrote:Being introduced to P at age 10 has certainly steered you in a direction that has not brought you peace and happiness.

I think I've read in other venues, just how damaging internet porn can be. And it was pretty much how I put it into perspective recently in another thread:

Thanks to the Internet, anyone born after it will never know the struggle of running the Newsstand Gauntlet, having to face down a bored store clerk while we're both pretending the plastic-sealed pervy magazine they slip into a paper bag is just Mechanix Illustrated, while hoping someone from Church didn't see you. That's why you always buy a newspaper to put around the paper bag because the ONLY magazines that go in the paper bag are dirty ones. And you still see someone from Church and you are praying like mad they really only think you bought a newspaper.

And unless you knew where Daddy/Uncle/Brother/Grampa's magazine stash is, if they even had one, and were bold enough to raid it, you had to be 18 with a mostly formed brain, to run that gauntlet and get your fix.

Does that sound like an ordeal? Yes, it was, and it made that brain chemical fun (edit: I was discussing dopamine) a lot harder to attain. But nope, now even a kid can get it for free as much as you want as dirty as you want it without leaving the house and it's like a rhesus monkey wired to a button, we still have monkey brains and we're gonna mash the living daylights out of that button, and worse, you grow up mashing that button.

Anyone who wasn't already an adult before what, the mid- to late- 1990s? doesn't stand a chance against that. You're far from alone, TornadoMind.

Have you considered something like SAA or SA? There are several support groups out there, some offer in-person meetings and I think some might offer online support.

https://search.brave.com/search?q=sex+a ... ort+groups

Not to mention nofap groups.

I see you're Dx'd with a couple issues, but I didn't notice therapy for this particular issue mentioned. If you haven't sought it, wouldn't hurt, especially with an addictive personality. Something which I have a bit of a tendency towards- not towards drugs or other substances but behaviors? Oh yeah.

28 isn't too old, I know it feels as if your life has been wasted, but Diogenes is right, you're still pretty young. You have time to break free and make something else of your life.

What disturbs me most ironically is that small mention of using up your savings to feed the monster. That's going to need to change, quickly, before you compound from bad to worse.