For so many years, I've been dealing with problems with my addiction from pornography and masturbation. I have so much shame and regret from it and so much bad things came out of it ever since I was a high schooler. It's been quite some time since I've watched pornography and I'm happy about that, but masturbation is still a problem for me.
One day, I masturbated but felt impulses to escalate the way I was doing it. I got bored of how I usually did it, so I decided to thrusting against my bathroom sink. It worked and it didn't bother me physically. I tried to do this again while taking a shower and it didn't have the same affect. I got the impulses again and I decided to do the same thing against my bathroom wall. I really regret this and I have so much difficulty moving from this. I hate that being so hooked on this made me do something so stupid. The wall was dirty and had germs and after I did it I tried to keep myself clean. I don't think it worked and after a while I began feeling pelvic pain. This let me to believe I had gave myself a urinary tract infection. I've had UTIs in the past from masturbating and the only symptom I got was burning urination. I got rid of this effectively by drinking water to flush out my bladder. This time, I didn't have burning urination. The symptoms I had was pelvic pain, my urine kind of looked dark, and it had a strong odor. I decided to get this checked out and told a doctor about my symptoms. He told me these were symptoms of a UTI and I was prescribed antibiotics.
I also noticed that my ejaculatory fluids were watery. At one point they were yellow when I tried to clean it on tissue but it doesn't appear to be that way now. It's still a little watery and I'm afraid something is affecting my body along with my sperm.
After finished my antibiotics, I did feel better. But months later, I started feeling worse. I got pain in my back and kidney area but not pelvic pain. One night, I simply couldn't sleep. I was so distressed and anxious over the fact that I thought I had an upper UTI and it was affecting my kidneys.
I went to see a doctor a second time, I have them a sample of my urine and they told me that I actually didn't have a UTI. This really surprised me because I really thought what I did gave me some sort of infection.
Not I'm just left feeling really sluggish and I get d it discomfort that varies from my pelvis and to my stomach along with slight headaches. I haven't been sleeping that great but I usually don't sleep well.
I hate that I put myself through this. I hate that my addiction is still s problem for me and it's gotten to this point. I hate that I did something so disgusting to myself. It didn't even feel right. I felt nothing but I just wanted a stupid high that gave me nothing but disappointment in the end. My only guess is that I'm feeling these physical symptoms because of the antibiotics that I took. I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm just trying to let this all pass day by day.
But even if it does, I'm still haunted by the memory of me doing this. I always told myself that I feel like I'm a different person when I'm indulging in my addictions. It doesn't feel like I'm truly me and I'm being consumed by these things. I have so much regret. I want to take back so many things because of this. Ever since the day I discovered porn at such a young age things just haven't been good like it was in my childhood. I wish I could go back to that point in my life. I hate what I've become because of these stupid addictions.
I've spent hours and days trying to find an answer about the situation and I just can't. I just want this all to go away and I want to go back to normal.
I don't even feel physically well masturbating anymore. Whenever I do, I literally can't sleep and I'll struggle with insomnia for like 2 days until I'm able to sleep again. I hate this so much.