bizarre sexual thoughts make living normal life impossible

I'm going to start this off by saying I know this may fall under paraphilias and the paraphilia forum is closed, but I desperately need to talk to someone about this and I haven't even approached a therapist about it yet since I don't even know where I would begin. So please read, I'm sorry mods if it's against the rules now but I don't know where else to go. I also understand if you laugh at what I'm about to tell you because I know it's ridiculous, but please understand it's not funny to me at all

I'm a man in my mid 20s and since I was about 14 I've had an extreme love of and fascination with birds. When I was much younger than that I was molested at school and my friend's house, and as I aged and went through puberty, I think I had a fear of and wanted to be separated from normal sexuality because of the trauma from when I was little. So in a completely bizarre turn of events I think I projected my developing sexuality onto animals. I'm not a zoophile as most people think of what that means, I do not and have no desire to do anything sexual to animals. Rather my fantasies involve actually being a bird, specifically a female animal, and being mated with and having babies and so on. The fantasies are very detailed and have persisted for literally most of my life now. I'm not attracted to people at all, men or women. Sometimes I force myself to masturbate to pictures of women, but my physical reaction to that is never even half as strong as the physical reaction I get just from thinking about these fantasies. As time goes on I begin to realize I will never reach many of the milestones normal people are expected to reach. I'll never have a spouse to introduce to my parents, or any significant other at all. I'll never have my own family. I've never even experienced a relationship. I feel like I'm sick and my brain is just permanently broken for not being able to experience the basic attractions that 99% of people alive experience. I can't imagine having to live potentially several more decades keeping this all bottled up inside any not being able to do anything to get rid of it. I'm also a very religious person so it goes without saying that this is extremely troubling to me, and even though they're only fantasies (and impossible obviously), I can never reconcile them with my beliefs to be okay with them. And of course all the weird maternal stuff is at odds with the rest of who I am. I'm not transgender, I have no desire to be a woman.

This has been eating at me for such a long time. I know I can't deal with this like I am forever. If this isn't something that can be fixed it's going to kill me eventually because I can't deal with the grief of knowing I will never be able to live a normal life, even if I am outwardly normal to everyone I meet. I'll never be happy with myself as long as such a fundamental part of who I am is ###$ up like this. Is something this strong even something any normal therapist will know how to help with? Someone please help me. Please point me in the right direction.

Hello, and welcome. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about this? This sounds almost like a substitute for something else. I mean, it feels as if something's being expressed in these fantasies that may not even be sexually based.

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about this? This sounds almost like a substitute for something else. I mean, it feels as if something's being expressed in these fantasies that may not even be sexually based.

Hello, thank you for your reply. No, I haven't been to see a therapist yet. I feel like I need one but I don't even know what I would be going for exactly, or where to begin. I've never spoken about these problems to anyone. What do you think might be going on with me, if it's not sexually based? A substitute for something else?

Is anyone still there? I would really like to know what you meant by this potentially being a substitute for something else. I just want to get rid of these feelings and have a normal and healthy sexuality. This can't be integrated into my beliefs. I'm simultaneously addicted to living these things in my imagination and hating myself for knowing it's all wrong. No one to talk to about it, there's no information out there on getting over anything similar. I know it's wrong but I do it and indulge in these fantasies anyway, it makes me sick. It makes me not want to live anymore because I'm never, ever free of these desires. The best I've been able to do is suppress them, but they're always there.

" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. "

Well, I'd say the best way to find out, is to seek professional help. I mean this might stem from some deep-seated issue, self-image comes to mind. I often wish I was someone or something else. And sometimes that wish takes a sexual turn. I mean, if this is this disrupting and upsetting, then maybe talking with someone that can help peel away the layers to see if there is more to this than meets the eye, is the thing to do.