Objectifying Teens *trigger warning*

I'm a recovering sex addict who's used porn regularly for decades. I've seen therapists, I'm in groups, and I've talked to coaches, but I have some questions I want to put out to a broader audience.

I am battling objectification of women and teens. I can't see a female without instantly, compulsively focusing on their body parts. If I see a female in my peripheral, I'm drawn to look at them. I'm aware of the tools we addicts are supposed to use for this, like the 3-second rule - tools that center around being aware that I'm objectifying, and stopping, or making pains not to look at females in the first place.

Meanwhile, I have step-daughters who I've helped raise since they were quite young. When they grew into teens, I found I was also drawn to look at them. I was horrified by it, never spoke of it, and intended to take it to my grave, until my addiction was discovered and I entered recovery. It took me a very long time to admit to my partner that I saw her kids sexually, and she was horrified as well. I'm out of the house because of this, and it was a prime factor in us finally getting divorced.

I like to think I would never do anything to hurt the kids, and I'm very aware that ANY acting upon any sexual thoughts or impulses would be extremely abusive. However, I am aware that I'm an addict, and that makes me dangerous. And although I do not actively fantasize about them, I've had sexual dreams about one of them. I'm starting to accept that not being around them is probably best, but it kills me to lose them. I wanted to simply stop the sexualizing, not have to leave their lives. I'm broken from that.

As my ex and I have discussed this, and I've sought help and answers, I've heard different things, and I want to get additional insights from you all. Honest answers will truly help me figure out just how badly I'm damaged, where to go next and what my goals will be.

1.) Do "normal" people objectify random women? I keep hearing that "biology" makes it impossible not to at least notice adult female figures, and that our job as men is to not stare, leer, ogle, etc. But this information comes from sex addicts and sex addiction therapists (who are usually sex addicts). "Normal", honest, healthy-minded, securely-attached men: do they notice female body parts when they see women on the street? And I'm aware people like to distinguish between "admiring beauty" and "objectifying/sexualizing". To make it easy, let's say everything counts, and not focus on the degree to which we judge their attractiveness.

2.) If "normal" people objectify women, do they objectify teens? I understand this isn't pedophilia, and I hear that a sexually-mature female body is a target for our sexual responses regardless of the age. But, again, is that true? Does a healthy non-sex-addicted mind, that might notice the cute gal in the next cubicle, also notice the cute high schoolers walking by (even if they maybe push that out of their mind in shame)?

3.) Do "normal" step-fathers find themselves attracted to their teenage daughters? This is a gross question to type, ask, and think. Yet here I am. I have read/heard that fathers have a genetic barrier to sexualizing their biological kids, making such an attraction deviant. But I'm hearing that in the absence of the genetics, there's no reason your step-daughter wouldn't be seen as just another female body as far as your brain is concerned. So, then it becomes like any other case of objectifying - you catch yourself doing it, and stop. This doesn't seem good enough. The 3-second rule is still objectifying. I want to stop noticing, period, ever.

4.) Finally, this puzzles me: If a guy goes to Hooters and gawks at the women, then to a high school sports game where the girls are dressed identically, are these guys really, truly, keeping the gawking at the restaurant and not taking it to the game? Again, I get the sense that our goal is to actively-not-leer at attractive people, not to stop noticing them. But the noticing is the part that feels wrong to me.

I realize I want validation and to stop feeling like a freak, so my heart wants everyone to say "you're normal." I also realize that many may look at me in disgust - that's what I would do. But what I really need is honesty, and facts, because if I can change, I want to change, and if I can't, I want to do however much I can, and start learning to accept the rest. I appreciate your thoughts.

Hello and welcome.

As I've aged, my Notice factors have changed, but only to a point. I think for all us guys there's a point in which we suddenly ask ourselves 'am I now a dirty old man?' I remember hitting that wall. I don't think I leer at women under the half-your-age-plus-seven rule, but I'm not blind, either. If the occasional taboo thought comes at me, I don't let it worry me, either. But then, I'm OCD and have to be careful less I overblow things far out of proportion.

Do 'normal' people objectify women? I don't even know what that word means in this Woke age. Do I grin like a fool when watching a video of the Pontani Sisters? You bet. And this is coming from someone that considers themselves not Straight (but not Gay, either). Do I tend to talk to breasts? I've caught myself doing it enough times. I have to remember where the eyes are, on occasion. It is what it is, if I'm above room temperature, I'm going to notice women are women. I don't consider myself particularly exceptional.

Repressed emotions tied to past events/memories act as flashing beacons in our psyche, that draw us to those memories, feelings.

I became sexually aware, hungry at 13, so I was naturally and normally lusting for girls my own age, 13 year olds. But never had any success, unrequited frustration for a year, suppressed. Same at 14. Same at 15. Same at 16. Same at 17. All those years of suppressed grief, anger, desire, frustration, shame, stored within, giant beacon of flashing light.

Finally got sexually active at 18. Still rather sporadic, but generally had some sexual activity every year since then. But still found myself feeling lust over teen girls, 13-17, sometimes daydreaming about what I missed out on.

This is not a permanent dysfunction. It is product of that ######6 BEACON. Drawing me to those feelings, those memories. The solution? I dived deep into the most painful memories, feelings of sexual frustration during those years. The feelings were not happy, they were awful, but clearing them out, letting them wash over me, releasing them through processing them, was like vomiting. Vomiting is not fun, but it is a RELIEF, at the time you are vomiting, you are GLAD because it beats the hell out of living with the stuff you are vomiting up still trapped inside you, corrupting you, poisoning you, making you nauseous. Once you realize it is a relief, not agony, you long to purge more of those suppressed pains so they are not festering within. You go through your teen painful sexual repressed feelings/emotions, like worrying a sore tooth, till no soreness remains anywhere you can find.

Then the beacon is gone. No flashing beacon drawing your thoughts, emotions, drives, urges, fantasies, dreams. Just memories that cause NO emotional reaction because it's all been processed. Now you have no dangerous or worrisome lust for underage girls.

Yeah, you might still think a 14 year old could be sexy, but it is mild. It is truth. Hell, some 14 year olds look more womanly and sexy than a lot of 22 year olds. It's not false or sick to find a 14 year old sexy. But to find yourself so drawn to that, that it is more than the slightest blip in your mind, that it is strong enough you need to confess, separate yourself from your family, your wife, because you don't trust yourself, THAT will be gone. It's goes away when the beacon goes away.

This may not work with every sexual aberration. Perhaps if a boy is sexually abused at a young age by a 13 year old girl, he might have such a deep-seated psychological issue that just releasing emotions does not fix him, but for 99% of us, I think our issues stem just for the normal problem of being so ######6 starving for sex at those ages, without being able to eat, causing such emotional pain we have to suppress it to survive, and then it is locked inside us and beacons, draws our thoughts, shapes our urges, like a magnet, that it will go when we get rid of those suppressed emotions, the beacon.

Not, I used prescription ketamine through Mindbloom to help purge old emotions, and found it very helpful, but have also done it on my own since, so it is not strictly necessary, but might be a useful tool (?)

Thank you aspie-lawyer. Your thoughts feel very close to the mark. I've had similar thoughts myself; when I stop to examine my feelings around this, there is almost a sense of nostalgia - what I missed out on, the girls I always wished I could talk to in high school. I am encouraged that the emotional wounds and emotional immaturity that drive this can hopefully be addressed, healed, and let go of.