My Dad the Sex Addict - A Daughter Looking for Support

I'm new here, and decided to join this forum after what my father has again put me through this last Sunday. But, before I get to that, let me provide some context.

After 10 years, I've come to the conclusion that my dad is a sex addict. 10 years ago, I was 16 and driving home from school when my mom called me asking if I had signed up and paid for some sex website that had popped up on hers and my dad's credit card bill. I had no idea what she was talking about. Later that night, I learned that my dad had in fact subscribed and paid for the website, but blamed it on me instead. This was just the tip of the iceberg.

Bits and pieces began to unfold, and I soon realized that my dad was living a double life. Not only had he subscribed to multiple porn websites, but he had also subscribed to sex seeking websites, posting nude pictures of himself on our family couch and describing the type of woman he was looking to "interact" with. He was also heavily into playing the game Second Life, specifically for the purpose of having computerized sex with other online players and their avatars. At the time, he traveled abroad, and a stash of condoms was found in his car, along with emails he had exchanged with foreign women.

Despite all the evidence, my dad continued to blatantly lie. His famous excuses include "I don't know what that is," and "that's not me, someone must have stolen our credit card," and "I don't know what you're talking about," and "I never visited these websites," and of course, my favorite, "[my daughter] must have done it." Not only is he a sex addict, but he is a pathological liar.

After months of denial, he finally apologized for his actions and promised he would stop. He told us that it was just a "slip," a stupid "mistake," that he would never do again because "that's not him." Although I lost respect for him, I believed him and I trusted him. I know now that my mom didn't forgive him, and would never trust him again, but she silently accepted his apology for me. I cannot even imagine the sacrifice my mom went through for the sake of her only daughter - me.

Fast forward 10 years later - I'm a 26-year-old adult and the pain and disgust that my dad put me through 10 years ago still lingers. Stupidly, I have believed that for the last 10 years, my father has stayed true to his word, but, unbeknownst to me, my mom has always had her suspicions.

This past Sunday, while visiting my parents, I heard my mom ask to see my dad's cellphone. She found a semi-suspicious window that he had left open on Safari. I began to look into it, hoping that this was just something innocent. I gave him the benefit of the doubt - He couldn't be doing this again. By accident, I came upon his internet history on his phone. Second Life. Porn. And, on a recent trip out of state, he was on Craigslist - clicking on numerous ads involving transvestites, cross-dressers, and male on male encounters. This was something new. The history only went back a month. But that month was filled.

After finding these things, my mom and I confronted him. The lies continued - "I was just looking up things to buy on Craigslist and stumbled upon it accidentally," "I'm just browsing Second Life, I'm not using it," "I saw something on the news and was just looking it up." I should say at this point that my mom finally told me a few years ago that my dad admitted to her that he had actually acted out, and cheated on her through people he had met internationally and through these websites, so when he finally admitted what he was doing and said on Sunday that "I never acted out on these like the last time, I was just interested," I knew that was a lie too.

He again promised he wouldn't do it again. He actually said that he has a problem, and that he would go see a therapist about it. As I was walking to my car to leave to go back to my apartment, he promised me he would fix things. A few hours later, my mom calls me to tell me that instead of going to find a therapist like he promised, he took a weapon and told her that he was going to get drunk and kill himself. I have been worried sick all day and we have had no way of contacting him. About an hour ago, I found out that he went to work today, and he's fine. Another lie. He never wanted to take his own life, he just threatened to do it, to scare my mom, to scare me, and to make us feel sorry for him.

I'm at a loss. My dad acts like the victim when it's my mom and I who have been the victims of his addiction for 10 years. It's hit me hard this time around. I honestly can't stand to look at him, and he makes me sick to my stomach when I think about what he's put my mom through and all the sacrifices she's made for me in the process. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way because he's still my dad, and children shouldn't feel that way about their dad - right?

I'm desperately seeking anyone in this same situation to share with me their story, or to just make me feel that I'm not alone and that my feelings are validated. I do want to join a support group, but I'm not 100% ready to join an in-person one yet - I'm still coping with this reality myself. So if anyone could also provide me with support groups - preferably online, but also in person - that are organized for those who have family members with a sex addiction, I would so appreciate it.

Thank you for listening to my (unfortunately long) story - it helps to finally get it all out in the open, even to people I've never seen or met before.

You're not alone. Lot's of families are affected by sex addiction and it is a devastating as any other addiction.

However, in addition to the addiction, it sounds like your Dad has some other issues going on, possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder and even Sociopathic behaviour. This just adds to the negative effects of his sex addiction. Every time he is confronted he will lie, blame, deflect or play the victim.

Nothing will change until he actually changes. If he does change, it will be evident. In the meantime all the lies and promises mean nothing.

I am sorry you and your Mum are going through this. The only thing you can control is taking care of yourself. You can support your Mum but she will have to make her own decisions about her life ahead.

This is tough stuff but you are not alone.

Andrew

Your not alone my dad has done the same thing for years and its caused many struggles for me and my mom. It's difficult when people deny the truth especially when its obvious they are lying. I can't tell you that your dad will stop lying and denying his reality cause I don't know that what will happen. What I will say though is if I've learned anything through the years take care of yourself. Self care is extremely important. I go to online SAteen meetings they help me get through a lot of my struggles. They help me know I'm not alone by connecting myself with others like me who have gone through similar situations. I'm not saying for you to go to SAnon but it is a great resource. Most important thing is have a good support structure around you people that you can trust and who will be there for you because as you probably know these things are extremely hard to deal with alone. This all the advice I can give but I hope this helps and I wish you the best in the future.

-Quinsil Zenon 0w0

You are definitely not alone, I do have the exact problem with my father and I feel the same horrible taste even when I am just thinking about him. He played the perfect husband his whole life, made my mom being extremely obsessed and in love with him because of that. After their 25 years of marriage I have found lots of conversations into his phone with different women where he was asking for sex like a desperate. I was thrilled. All our family friends as family members have always been jealous of my mom for having such a "perfect husband". I was thanking God every day for him, he was my hero until that day. However, I did went to him to chase everything and find out what the ###$ is happening because it was unbelievable for me. He obviously lied again like a professional liar and said same thing as your dad, staff like : it wasn't me or someone must of stoled my phone and write that, lots and lots of stupid stupid excuses and lies. He obviously promised me that he will change and stop and he manipulated me in such a way not to tell my mom, taking advantage that she has heart problems and a thing like that could definitely kill her in seconds. I ve told him crying and I felt in the worst position of my life telling him to stop ######6 do this because I feel like $#%^ at my age to ask my dad to stop cheating on my mom. But at the same time, I had to protect her, because this was true, she could not take such a thing. Here I am after 1 year after his promises, logged on into his Facebook account to see that he still does it and guess what now? He declared on one of the person he was talking about that he is also bisexual!!!! As it would not be enough that he is a ######6 liar and cheater, now he s a bisexual as well. I feel so horrible and down and upset. I have no idea what to do. I am just seeking advice and looking for any help. I am down with everything. It feels the worst to be in this position as a child and knowing that your mom will not be able to take this, because physically, she can t!! As he could not stop after such an embarrassing thing of seeing your own child to ask you while crying to stop, he is definitely a pervert, a sexual addict.
Thank you for reading my story, I know how badly it sucks and I am so sorry, we, their children have to deal with their $#%^.

Hi I’m Tony.
I’m sorry for you feeling betrayed by your father. It must be devistating to find out you father is/was cheating. But I can tell you from experience that that’s only a small part of him. And he can still love you and your mother even though he’s sick.
Addiction is an illness. Sexual addiction is an illness wrapped up in mental illness and twisted sexuality.
I’m a sex addict. I have a daughter 31 with two girls. I have 2 stepdaughters and between them, 5 more granddaughters. I love them all, but I admit my own daughter is the special one. I was a single father for quite some time before I re-married. I’ve been fortunate. I’ve helped out all he girls financially and spent everything else I have on sex, sex workers, escorts, strippers, sugar babies. I’ve fallen in love with girls who only want my money and been taken advantage of.
My marriage ended 4 years ago, I’m single, free do do what I want, and I have a second life.
And still, my daughter and the girls are he most important thing in my life.
I’ve tried recovery from this addiction. I’ve been back to SLAA about 10 times to start recovery again. And again, and again.
And still, I’m looking forward to and planning my next sexual escape.
I’ve cut down the spending considerably, my daughter and her husband split up and she needs my help again.
I wonder if one day I’ll be confronted, but I choose this life. I love my anonymity when I go out on the town. There is a whole fetish community that I’m just getting into. I’ve discovered he best sex of my life in my 50’s. I’ve supported and helped out a whole bunch of sex workers. I found out they are real people with real lives and struggles just like the rest of us. I found out some of them are smart and good business women. Most of them love thier family and fierce defend thier friends. I find sex workers more open than most normal people.
Like I said, just because your dad is a sex addict, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.