For all those sex addicts out there who are married

*may trigger*

I am not being judgmental, but for the sex addicts, please understand that your actions hurt your family and loved ones, especially your significant other if you have one. It is BEST to confess your acts to him or her now, as it is better than getting busted by the cops or getting an STD and giving that to your partner. I implore those with an addiction to seek help and to tell your loved ones.

Sexual addiction is serious and the consequences of your addiction will hurt your family and loved ones.

i am a married 37-year-old woman (attractive!), and two weeks ago my husband got arrested for solicitation. We are successful professionals ($1 mill+ income), with two children. Life is comfortable and good (or so I thought). He told me everything, and I also made him tell his mother. He actually volunteered that because he wants to be out of the shadows, so to speak (borrowing from Carnes).

It is absolutely devastating. To make matters worse, he has cancer! And only after the arrest has he finally admitted to porn addiction (which I suspected), but he has also admitted to cruising on escort sites for a few years, but only about 5 months ago did he frequent prostitutes. (when all of the cancer tests began). He knocked on many doors but says he got BJs just seven times. I am not sure what to believe.

But, I do know that he is getting counseling, and I will as well. I hope to be on the other side of this, hope that he heals. If we are lucky, our marriage will survive. But we may not. I'm just sticking by him until he beats cancer, so I can make decisions for myself and my children.

Anyway, I hope everyone on this forum with an addiction gets help. And for those who are like me, who are the spouses of someone with an addiction, I hope we get stronger, too. If you know of forums for betrayed spouses of sex addicts, please let me know. It is too painful for me to read all the stories of the sex addicts, especially those who are still in denial.

Sounds like a horrific nightmare to me. You are pretty special to stick by him, even for now.

I have always believed in the concept of being open with all of our sexual kinks, the exposure to the light of day is very important in order for us to deal with them. We may not be writing an OpEd about it, but we should lay it all out for the ones close to us, if possible.

My wife knows everything about me, even the uncomfortable parts. But you play the hand you are dealt, and try to make all those kinks and all that sexual wiring somehow work for you.

I wish you the best in your struggles. Feel free to write anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I have been mostly open with my wife, but it took me more than 40 years to screw up my courage to do so. Daily, I deal with what are certainly, for society at large, among the most ick-inducing paraphilias there are, urophilia and coprophilia. My wife has been wonderfully accepting; her greatest concerns aren't my paraphilias as such, but the anxiety and low self-esteem they have caused.

Although I have alluded to just how incredibly messy I can get, I've never been able to explain to her just how messy that is, and I still live in fear that she will come home someday when I'm least expecting her and be horrified at what she might see.

I haven't even been able to tell her that I am sometimes so "lost" in my paraphilias that I soak and soil my pants when I'm out and about. I doubt that anyone has ever noticed my condition, and I don't want them to, but my wife would be devastated if that happened.

I don't think there's a chance that my wife would leave me if she learned everything about my paraphilias, but I am very hesitant to reveal any more. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Other

P.S. I should add that my paraphilias are not such that I have to engage in them to have an orgasm. My wife is all I need. We have a date every 10 days or so, not quite often enough for me, but the sex is good, and she has even recently become multi-orgasmic. Not bad for a 70-year-old! On my part, I have managed to explain to her how important my anus is my arousal, and she has recently begun using her vibrator on me. Wow!

myotherlife, my husband also says he "cruised" escort sites and even made appointments, but only followed through twice (within a two week period the last week of October) and even then only had a "private viewing". I completely do not believe him. Curious, did he confess or did you discover?

I have watched porn. My wife says that it feels like I am cheating on her when I do. I have not had an affair, but have thought about it. There are lines that I do not want to cross. I can still shoot-down bad decisions and hope that I can beat my Walter Mitty fantasy world. I do not want to hurt her or my family's feelings and bring great shame on myself. I do need to find a better way of stress relief. I need to keep my mind occupied on the here and now. Stress can make us do crazy, regrettable things.
I tried to include the wife on my porn adventures and it was close at first, but it didn't keep the fire burning.
Dealing with cancer is an added stress. You both need to seek help. You both have much to live (together) for.
I watched Auto-Focus, the controversial and unauthorized autobiography of Bob Crane. I saw myself slipping into the sexual fantasy world also. It can be chronic, consuming, addictive and tragic.
There are alternative thoughts that can break the spell and get my thinking back on track. Self-training is possible. Abstinence can work. You can find other ways to deal with stress.
Communication of intentions with spouse and family is key, although some secrets may still be kept inside. He needs to discuss those with a trusted professional. Best of luck to you both.

Good message, amber. I wish you and your family the best.

My behaviour started not quite one year after my divorce, though I have never been able to get married again owing to guilt and wanting to learn to trust myself first before asking someone else to trust me. I would rather destroy and annihilate myself alone than take someone else down with me.

I managed to kick a monumental sex addiction by getting counseling that helped me discover my 'triggers' for outside sex. I didn't want to hurt my wife or my family or even me for that matter. But right doesn't matter when you HAVE to have sex with a stranger or lover right NOW. It was only by getting to the root of the problem that I was able to live 'sex sober'.