the first day of the rest of my life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I want to beat this - I want to eat this because I want to enjoy my family, to enjoy my friends, to stop living in the fantasy world, to seize my dream with no more baggage - to be true to my vows.

I am in my 30's - married to a man and with a child. I love them both. Where do I begin? I guess it starts when I was young - I was abused, but I don't think that really affects where I am now. I learned long ago to escape through sex. I had a rough time coming out at first - not having been accepted by others. Later on, I met the man I have married and have a child with. This man cheated on me quite a few times - like a lot of times - it destroyed my self-esteem but that was a decade ago (apparently a sexual addiction he had that he later dealt with through therapy). Even when that was happening, I myself did not do anything with anyone other than some porn and maybe phone sex. As time went on and the stress piled up, however, I ended up being so curious of strip clubs, video booths, bookstores. I never once went to a strip club though I have been to video booths and adult movie theaters. I have resisted most of that time - in the past 10 years, I have been to them quite a bit (perhaps 50 times - although perhaps only 10 times did I do anything with anyone - usually in the nature of a handjob; once a blowjob very briefly - receiving it but for a second). It doesn't make it feel better, but just trying to be blunt and explicit so I can shed this once and for all. I don't know why I do this, and what concerns me is that I am going to these things more often (whereas before it was none at all). I want to stop this once and for all.

I have read Carnes' book on sexual addiction and that helped for a while as I read it weekly, but when it finished, I went back to my old haunts and today after months of not having done anything with someone, had jacked off with someone (although I pushed him back as he tried to give me oral - mostly driven by fear of disease I think although I'd like to think that a part of me just didn't want to violate my vows further than I already have).

I don't know how to make sense out of this. I don't know 100% that I am a sex addict, but I can feel myself falling into it just as my partner did. I can't tell him as I know it'll break us (i know ironic as that may sound given that he did far worse before - although that was a decade ago).

I want to stop this. I do not know the answer at all, but my being here is the first step in stopping this and being brutally honest at my mistakes and failures all these years. I hope and pray to beat this once and for all. This is my life. I want it back.

This is day 2. I guess I am using this more as a journal of my thoughts, but thinking it through, I have to be careful of my triggers as well. Perhaps unlike others, I don't obsess about this all the time, but what happens is there is a trigger and it makes me want to go back to my old haunts. I have to avoid that. The thing is, I have avoided it for years. Now the ease and the routine has allowed me to take advantage of it and the triggers and fantasy are too overpowering. I wish I could take back yesterday and not have fallen - especially since I was doing so well. There is a sense of hopelessness when it comes to financial issues, but I don't know that that is it. I think that is partly it though because of a conversation I had that made me think of it again and made me anxious.

I have learned that with some of these addictions there is a root cause - something I am trying to pacify. I think there are maybe multiple things - one is the fact that I lost friends when I came out a while ago and there is a part of me that wants that back to relive that. The other is I think the desire to feel attractive as I feel ugly ever since my SO cheated on me a while back and I look in the mirror and pictures and I don't like what I see. There is also that desire to just escape to return to a time when I had no worries about money.

I dunno - are these just everyday problems though or are they really what send me on a desire to escape. It's hard because I want a quick fix to this, but perhaps that is the problem.

I want a quick fix - and one outlet for that fix has been some kind of sex-related act - be it porn or going out and living my fantasies (even if only up to a certain point). I want to dominate and am in control.

It's very sad, and I feel very alone as I go through this journey. I am clinging to my faith - it is the one thing that has always gotten me through tough times. There is no easy answer this time around. There is no quick fix. I have to learn to go through this one day at a time as they say. It is a journey - and at the very least a long term struggle. I see that now. Despite months of doing so well and to some extent even years of doing so well, ever since I fell a few weeks ago, it's been a struggle. I have to break that cycle again so I can go back to being sober so to speak.

I can do this. I can break this cycle. Thank God, I have not fallen more than I have. I hope and pray I never do. Thanks to whoever is reading this. I pray you too find your answer and beat this.

Today is day 5. Been able to resist which is good. Temptations are there but in the background. I hope to resist this for a good long while. Part of me is perhaps down on myself - since I have been able to have very long episodes of months of being good even. Still, I guess it's good to break the cycle of late that I had enter into again. There is so much to life when your life is not muddled by the madness and temptations. It is also ever more important to break the cycle while am in it. To some extent, that is the hardest part. I hope I continue to resist.

Forgivegrace123, you aren't alone. There are many people with sex addictions and they are very difficult to kick. Congratulations on how well you have been doing.