I just barebacked another escort. Help me please.

I'm 27 years old, decent looking, 6'. No self esteem

I'm just another guy who was exposed to too much porn at a young age. Almost 2 years ago I concluded that it was a big problem in my life. I first sought help by admitting my sexual contact with escorts to my ministers. They immediately took me out of the church, and I've been in and out on 3-6 month intervals ever since. This is because I keep failing by going back to see escorts. I cannot stop.

Recently, I took things further and saw them without condoms. The sensation is too much to avoid. I didn't even enjoy the company of her, but the sensation felt too good. This is why I'm a sex addict.

I just got tested negative a week ago too. I somehow knew this was going to happen. I was supposed to be on good behavior for another couple of months, then go back to church and go on my merry way. Everything is depending on going back to church. I don't even know God all that well. Half of me says that I've been brainwashed, while the other half knows that God is there... somewhere.

I have no friends. I'm not supposed to come in contact with friends from church. I quit my job, and work at a flimsy part-time job. I was making $200k with both before I quit. Now I plan to go back to live with my mother. I've lived alone since graduating college. I'm tired of finding food every 4 hours.

What's the point of life really. I think I was supposed to know somewhere between high school and college. I could go for a full-time job again, but I'm afraid my sexual addiction will just get in the way.

I'll probably test HIV positive next time. Even if it's negative, I'll just mess up and go see another escort.

I feel like my life is just about overcoming this addiction that was imposed upon me at a young age. I can't blame myself anymore. It all makes sense that there is this sin within us that drives us to do stupid things. Where did this porn come from? Some group of guys who got a group of girls to make it and saw $$$ from it. Why did they do it? Probably because of the sex and $$$. Now they've exposed all of us to it. And we want to reenact what we see. I know I do.

I think moving back home might be better in the short term. That's my option. But seeing as I don't have a job right now and have some savings, I'd like to travel. Where to? You guessed it, probably Thailand where all those escorts live. I'm so messed up in the head. Why can't I just feel disgusted, instead of aroused?

I don't even know how anyone can help me anymore. Maybe I should go live in the woods for a year and stay away from any civil corruptions. Or rely on the internet.

I think you could have the problem upside down. You say you can't blame yourself. And all external factors are leading to your addiction.

A healthier way to look at it. IMO. Is to say that you are having difficulties with controlling yourself. And that external factors might provide you with the support you need to change. Maybe going to a SAA meeting might be a helpful place to start? At the moment, you seem very isolated. So of course going to a sex worker is going to "help" with that isolation. But it's not a healthy way to deal with it. Like you say. It just gets into a vicious cycle. Meeting and talking with other people in similar boats. Can help in terms of finding hope. Once you have that belief that things genuinely can be better. Then that's a solid footing for other changes too. You can get your life back on track. That doesn't mean you're guaranteed to know the meaning of life. Or that everything's roses. But better than it is now.

Hello-

So I literally just got back from doing the same exact thing. I also barebacked a prostitute. I'm 36..MARRIED.. and take care of my health otherwise. I have been seeing prostitutes since 2001. It started out from being lonely, but over time it grew into this horrid addiction that I cant seem to stop. I cant discuss it with anyone as I cant chance it getting back to my wife. It disgusts me everytime I do this, but no matter how hard I try, I always seem to muck up. You are not alone. In fact when I snuck back in the house just now and took a shower, I found this site on Google and was relieved a little to see your post. It makes me feel a little better knowing there's someone else that has the same exact issue. I don't know why I continue to risk everything for a few minutes of what mostly always turns out to be an awful experience. I really am risking everything..my marriage, my health, my wife's health, my friends, my job, my home..EVERYTHING! Yet I cant seem to control myself. I almost feel like I'm on auto-pilot when I'm in the process of making these decisions.. I have that little voice that says, "You can still walk away from this..its not too late..turn around and leave", but I still choose to ignore it. And then afterwards I immediately fully regret what I just did! Like you, I have barebcked before... I also like the sensation..in fact sometimes I cant get it hard unless I slip the condom off unknowingly to the hooker.. WTF is wrong with me?? I cant afford a psychiatrist and as I've said I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I hope I can find some way to deal with this issue before it really does cost me more than I can bare. I love my wife and I don't want to be this person. Feel free to message me to talk more.

Hi helpme'-

As a woman your age, I've dealt with some similar issues, even though I've never considered myself addicted to sex and am not convinced the phenomenon exists (but we can agree that people can be pretty compulsive about it). If you are paying for escorts, you should enjoy their company, aside from just the sexual side of it, so I suspect you are dealing with the wrong escort service, if in fact that is who you are dealing with (your post suggests you may be using term "escort" and "prostitute" interchangeably, which, despite their similarities, masks their differences).

I am rather taken aback by your church's response. A formative part of my adolescence involved the counsel I received from adult women in my church when my own promiscuity became known- in particular, I was never asked to stop attending. Perhaps you'd like to seek out another church.

Your idea of going off into the woods for a year strikes me as a good one, even if it may be impractical. A more practical idea might be a monastary. Since your taste inclines toward exotic locales, I might suggest a Buddhist monastary in Sri Lanka, which I think of as a less sexually charged atmosphere than cities in Thailand. The austerity you would find there might well be therapeutic.

It's important to find alternate interests on which to focus your attention. No, it doesn't decrease libido (you probably wouldn't want it to), but does give you other things on which to focus your mind. I would, however, particularly recommend seeking the help of a therapist with experience deal with the problems of highly sexually charged men. Oddly, at face value, a man I spoke with a couple of years about similar issues told me he had unsatisfactory experience with two male psychologists before he developed a healthier rapport with a woman therapist. YMMV.

Helpmeplease27 said this, "I first sought help by admitting my sexual contact with escorts to my ministers. They immediately took me out of the church, and I've been in and out on 3-6 month intervals ever since," and this, "Everything is depending on going back to church. I don't even know God all that well. Half of me says that I've been brainwashed, while the other half knows that God is there... somewhere."

Your ministers must have missed the lesson of Christianity 101 that concentrated on the importance of forgiveness. I could not possibly accept such a "minister" as an acceptable representative of God, or Jesus, or Micky Mouse! For that matter, what kind of "God" would not reveal himself to a true believer who is clearly suffering. What kind of a "God" would, in fact, expect a person to attend a church which offers so little — nothing, really — as the price of redemption and positive growth?

All that seems to have been accomplished by your church-related efforts to improve your life is to experience increased shame without any diminution of your sexual addictions which, by the way, have nothing whatsoever to do with religion.

Other

Yeah I don't know about anything anymore.

I was so sure about God, but now the Bible says things that I can't imagine myself doing. Like it says that God is always with me. Well okay, but I'm only human so I still feel lonely without someone physically there. But on the other hand, I see that people can still be lonely even with married and have kids.

I just hanged out with a friend for the first time in like 8 months. I wasn't in touch with anyone I knew during that time (except for some escorts of course). I don't really like his new friends. They always take smoke breaks and I don't smoke. One of them always tries to do one night stands. In my mind, I'm like I don't want to be near those guys, but I'm actually far worse in reality.

I just have a good guy facade on the outside, and will judge anyone who isn't moral. I guess I get really depressed because I judge myself worse. I didn't even consider myself depressed until people started pointing it out to me.

So I don't know what to do right now. I am going back to work, but I don't see a purpose. I don't have a lot of contacts outside of church, so it is hard to even have a social life. I feel lonely and trapped. I think about traveling. But only to Thailand to do you know what. I'm feel I'm no longer curious about the world anymore, besides that one thing.

And yeah, the world outside of sex is bland too. What happens after I completely stop? Maybe I'm the lucky one. Who knows. This is where I get confused.

Thanks for reading my rant I guess. Don't really know how to make this post 'constructive'... don't feel like anything is 'helpful' anymore. It is what it is. Have you ever read that book 'A Farewell to Arms'?...

Amazing. I have been listening to Dr Ted Roberts interview over and over and he describes your sexual addiction to a tee. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8JwO0OZg-c

I hope the link works. According to Dr Robert, sexual addiction starts as a moral choice. After that, the pre-frontal cortex, which regulates our higher functions, gets destroyed. It's the part of our brains that tells us to stop. The brain, with any addiction becomes physically re-wired and dopamine receptors become starved causing us to have mood swings and depressions.

Dr Robert made an organization for people in the church called Pure Desire Ministries. It's in Oregon. Lucky you if you can go, I'm Buddhist and I don't qualify. He seems to be inclined to help Ministers in the church to get back on their feet as he says 60-70% of sexual addicts are in the pew. I would give Dr Robert a call if I were you. Maybe he can send you their CD or something and connect you with one of their support groups.

By the way, I've been doing prostitutes since Jan 1, 1991 or maybe it was 1990. I've been in this game much longer than you. Isolation and secrecy are the greatest enablers of sexual addiction. By quitting the job, you are giving yourself more free time by yourself and actually increasing your chances of relapse.

Moving to a new town also puts you are more isolation because nobody knows you and you are by yourself. I have noticed that it's when I'm by myself that I'm the greatest threat to myself, but there's nothing I can do, I'm not married and I have never had a girlfriend as I have never been able to connect with the females. My Mom always puts me down and my sister is a bitch. It's a catch 22. I don't understand guys who can connect with females easily and yet relapse. I've never even been on a date, my lacking with females is far deeper than any man I know.

It's funny you talk about going to Thailand to see prostitutes because I was thinking the exact same thing. I been to Thailand twice, LOVED IT!! But you know what's funny? I genuinely enjoyed the experience and although it was cool to look at all the bar girls, I really wanted no part of it. I found myself going to massage parlors just as often as I did back in the states, maybe once or twice per week to feed my addiction.

The working girls in Thailand are no different than the working girls in San Francisco, Vancouver BC or wherever. They are very business-like. The girls all come from Isan. They are everywhere in Soi Nana which is where I usually stay. But I walk past them like no problem, I stare at them because they are pretty and sexy, but then I see how serious and business-like they are, and it just kills the mood.

Do go to Thailand, but you might be surprised. Enjoy the cheap and delicious food and hospitality. It's like home for me. I'm so damn comfortable in Thailand, the MRT and BTS metro's are so easy and convenient to use. Thailand is literally the other side of the world, it will give you a perspective that many in the U.S. lack.

Get counseling and find out WHY you have this tendency. Unless you get to the root of the problem I don't think it's realistic to 'will' it away. Sexual feelings take over your brain too much to resist.