Life in (sexual) overdrive

Almost all of the postings on this website resonate with me in one fashion or another. It is clear to me now that self-identity, self-worth, sex, sexual history, interpersonal relationships, life stress and a variety of other factors all contribute to compulsive or addictive sexual behavior. I think all of the research on sexual addiction points to a multitude of variables that contribute to the 'ball of confusion' that is sex, lust and intimacy (or what we perceive as intimacy). I wanted to make mention here that over the last 10 years an enormous amount of research has been done into brain chemistry and addiction (of all kinds) and the evidence is quite clear; addictive behavior can in a very short time period re-wire your brain. The good news is that the brain is malleable, it can be re-shaped if you like, and a new discipline has emerged using the buzz-word "Neuroplasticity."

Neuroplasticity, also known as brain plasticity, is an umbrella term that encompasses both synaptic plasticity and non-synaptic plasticity—it refers to changes in neural pathways and synapses due to changes in behavior, environment, neural processes, thinking, emotions, as well as changes resulting from bodily injury.

This is extremely relevant for all of us because it means that in the throes of addiction or abstinence or withdrawal we are combating chemicals and chemical driven rituals that lead us to act out, impulsively, sexually, in ways that endanger us on a variety of levels. Understanding what we are up against is crucial. The extremely important and more-than-encouraging news is that recent studies have show that the brain is indeed "plastic" and what can be learned can be unlearned - sometimes with simple behavior modification and sometimes with specific mental exercises. The data proves it. You can indeed re-hard-wire your brain.

My story is typical in many respects, not-so-typical in others. After suffering sexual abuse when I was younger, and then being exposed to pornography at a young age, I almost exclusively associated sex-like behavior with simple lust, devoid of emotions, something aggressive and something to be utilized as a release only; intimacy was never part of the equation. Like many sexual addicts I had periods in my life where parts of my addiction would be under "control" but compromised
( monogamous relations - but addicted to hardcore pornography -- or wildly and consistently unfaithful relationships, with little pornography). Whats' important to note is that like many sexual addicts the 2 scenarios above eventually amalgamated into one - incapable of being faithful, I relied on meaningless sex to fill the void, with pornography heavily augmenting my lifestyle (that's' what it really becomes, an all encompassing way of life). What also collided was my need to feel fulfilled with a greater and greater need for a thrill - more XXX rated style sex acts (swinging, orgies, prostitutes, porn etc). I would venture to say I have had sex with about 60 women over the last 2 years, half of them prostitutes (always safe). What a long and an exhausting trip it has been.

Like many, I find myself now "burnt out" - even the sex with prostitutes seems like "work" - I simply want sexual release and then to be left along. Back to porn and phone sex. So oddly, while I am perfectly capable of finding a partner, 95% of the time I choose to find release on my own. Also like many others, I found that sex (yes even with prostitutes) had to reach new highs (or lows) and I would fantasize about pornography while actually having sex with someone who for all practical purposes was having porno-style sex with me. What a strange, horrible and weird part of my sexual maturation. It is not something I expected. I have trouble becoming aroused unless the act is extreme. So ironically, even though I had gone out of my way to "spill my seed" at every opportunity, I eventually found that I needed to pop Viagra to stay "with it."

The point I am making here is that sex addicts need to know what the trajectory looks like for someone like him/her. Repeated abuse-like sexual patterns; be they in masturbating 5x a day or visiting prostitutes or constantly hunting for one night stands... eventually leads to sexual dysfunction and emotional dysfunction. You shut down mentally, emotionally and eventually physically (this is usually where even healthy males start popping Viagra or Cialis or even using injection treatments).

I am writing this here because some people are not sure where the bottom is. 12 step programs seem to work but ultimately you create the habits, practices and new mental attitudes to ensure your brain is working with you, not against you.

Thanks,
TC

Yours is a well composed and well considered post bearing a hopeful message.

I've never considered myself addicted to sex, although, particularly in hypomania, I've at times been inordinately sexually focused. Porn has never had a big appeal to me, and even though some women get attracted to it, in my experience it is overwhelmingly a male thing. Another way in which sexual compulsion seems to have played out differently with you than with me is I've never really pursued the kinkier side of sex.

We do share a history of childhood sexual abuse, which would be considere mild in my case, but which I know nonetheless had a big impact on my life. One complicating factor that I think affects highly sexed women much more than men is that we get much more "encouragement" from the opposite sex then men tend to.

Anyway, thanks for you thought-provoking post.