My SO Is Addicted to Porn

Hi there, I'm not quite sure where I'm supposed to post on here, but I'm hoping that this is the right place. Also, this post is sort of NSFW and I'm hoping that I'm not breaking any rules or anything. Anyways.

I'm here today because I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. I'm currently attending college in Canada where I live, and my boyfriend lives in New Zealand, where he is attending a trades program. I won't be seeing him again until April, but we are able to video call at least once a week.

In April of 2014, my boyfriend came to Canada to visit me, and while he was here, we had a discussion about his problem with porn. He would masturbate every day, and wasn't able to cum without porn. Before we started having sex, no matter what we tried he was not able to cum, he even ended up pulling out his iPhone and turning on some porn so that he could. We knew this was a problem, one that he had been dealing with for around 5 years. It was then that we decided to make a change, and he was going to stop watching porn. However, he just recently told me that he continued to watch it, but not as frequently, and would somehow manage to convince himself that he wasn't even watching it.

Fast forward to August of 2014, when I came to visit him in New Zealand, we decided to have sex. He was still not able to cum unless he was stimulating himself, and even that was very difficult as he didn't have any porn. He was sometimes barely able to keep himself hard. Now, you can imagine how that would make me feel. I felt unattractive, unwanted, and like I could never satisfy him, and even though I know that this is not the case, it still hurts. Eventually, I told him how it was making me feel, and he denied it completely, reassuring me that this wasn't my fault. After I went back to Canada, I knew that I could no longer deal with this. Not only was this hurting him, but it was hurting me as well. We had another discussion and he promised me that this time he would make a change. In the beginning of September he found a support group with forums, much like this, on the internet. He made an account, asked a few questions, and started on his road to recovery.

He went nearly 20 days clean, no porn, no masturbation, nothing. But on the 18th day, he relapsed. He was overcome by his hormones and decided to not watch, but listen to porn. I woke up in the morning to a few new messages on my phone, and he was very upset that he had relapsed.

Because I'm actually studying Mental Health and Addictions in college right now, I know it is extremely common to relapse at least once, and I tried to help him through it the best way I can. However I did not expect what was next to come.

The first day he relapsed, was on September 26th, with both masturbation and porn, and I expected this to be the end because of how upset he was after it had happened. Two days later on the 29th, he relapsed once again, only with masturbation. The day after on the 30th, he relapsed again, with only masturbation.

Last night (October 2nd) at about 4am I got a text message from him saying that he had almost relapsed, but he thought about something that I had said to him earlier, and he was able to stop himself. He also deleted his Twitter, as he found that he was very tempted by looking at Porn Stars accounts and photos. But this morning, I woke up with yet another message from around 7am with him telling me that he had relapsed last night. I haven't talked to him about it yet as he's still sleeping, but I don't even know what I can say anymore.

I have tried my absolute best to help him through this, in every way that I can. He understands that what he's doing is wrong and he understands that he needs to make a change but he just hasn't been able to do it. I've even suggested that he sees an actual addiction counsellor as well, but he won't go, and just says that "they'll only tell me things I already know". I feel so helpless, confused, scared, and lost, and this is one of the hardest things that I have ever dealt with. I love him so much, more than anyone I've ever met, and I've never been closer to anyone, all I want is what's best for him. It honestly hurts so much to know that I can't help him, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Any help that anyone can offer to me will be so appreciated, thank you all so much.

My thoughts:

1) Looking at porn is not wrong, or right for that matter. It is just something that people do. I often look at porn, perhaps obsessively, and sometimes masturbate to it. But it doesn't colour my relationship with my wife. I don't compare her to porn "stars," or even wish that I could have sex with them rather than with her. I do fantasize about having sex with them, but it's a very private thing and helps me over the difficult times when my wife isn't interested in sex, which is more and more often as she and I age.

2) Masturbation is not wrong. I would say that something is wrong with any young man who doesn't masturbate or have sex frequently. True story: I once asked a former college professor, who was a bachelor, how he managed his sexual needs, since he'd never had a girlfriend. "Well," he said, "lots of people think I'm gay, but I'm not. I masturbate a lot!"

Your SO's inability to have an orgasm without porn is a problem, obviously, and I understand your frustration. But perhaps a bigger problem is his refusal to seek professional help, which he obviously needs. A good sex-positive counsellor could help, if he would let them. They couldn't necessarily cure him, but the effort could well pay off in an improvement in his self-esteem, which must certainly be at the heart of the problem, at least now if not a lot earlier in his life.

If he continues to refuse to help himself, I can't see a good outcome to your relationship. Good luck to you.

Other (another Canadian)

-- Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:59 am --

My thoughts:

1) Looking at porn is not wrong, or right for that matter. It is just something that people do. I often look at porn, perhaps obsessively, and sometimes masturbate to it. But it doesn't colour my relationship with my wife. I don't compare her to porn "stars," or even wish that I could have sex with them rather than with her. I do fantasize about having sex with them, but it's a very private thing and helps me over the difficult times when my wife isn't interested in sex, which is more and more often as she and I age.

2) Masturbation is not wrong. I would say that something is wrong with any young man who doesn't masturbate or have sex frequently. True story: I once asked a former college professor, who was a bachelor, how he managed his sexual needs, since he'd never had a girlfriend. "Well," he said, "lots of people think I'm gay, but I'm not. I masturbate a lot!"

Your SO's inability to have an orgasm without porn is a problem, obviously, and I understand your frustration. But perhaps a bigger problem is his refusal to seek professional help, which he obviously needs. A good sex-positive counsellor could help, if he would let them. They couldn't necessarily cure him, but the effort could well pay off in an improvement in his self-esteem, which must certainly be at the heart of the problem, at least now if not a lot earlier in his life.

If he continues to refuse to help himself, I can't see a good outcome to your relationship. Good luck to you.

Other (another Canadian)

I have been through this before with a partner of mine. I have had issues performing before due to my own pornography use. I have gone for long periods of time without using it, but I have to say that quitting pornography is probably the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. I am not able to succeed for more than 20 days at a time.

I have read that pornography literally rewires the pleasure centers in our brains over time. It is like Pavlovian conditioning every day for years with literally the greatest reward nature can offer us, namely, an orgasm.

All I can say is that instead of blaming yourselves, you should think about how many other people have this same problem. Every man from my generation I have ever met watches porn regularly, and I am sure many of them have this same issue with their partners. We have a whole generation of men (and women) who are watching porn daily.

I personally refuse to watch the porn where women are abused or humiliated, it is sickening to me and I get no pleasure from it. But there are men out there who are addicted to it, and seek out more and more extreme humiliation and degradation against the women depicted in it.

I guess you should just realize how monumentally hard it is for him to quit porn. I think he should try going without for a week with the expectation that you guys with have an amazing time together. Plan elaborate sex filled weekends together and give him a major incentive to stop wacking it. If you do that for several weeks in a row, maybe he can kick the habit a bit.

And also realize that it isn't just you guys having this problem, my entire generation is ###$ up from this, and I suspect future generations will have it worse and worse. Maybe it is time to pull the plug on civilization and go back to playing with twigs for entertainment.

Myotherlife wrote:My thoughts:

1) Looking at porn is not wrong, or right for that matter. It is just something that people do. I often look at porn, perhaps obsessively, and sometimes masturbate to it. But it doesn't colour my relationship with my wife. I don't compare her to porn "stars," or even wish that I could have sex with them rather than with her. I do fantasize about having sex with them, but it's a very private thing and helps me over the difficult times when my wife isn't interested in sex, which is more and more often as she and I age.

2) Masturbation is not wrong. I would say that something is wrong with any young man who doesn't masturbate or have sex frequently. True story: I once asked a former college professor, who was a bachelor, how he managed his sexual needs, since he'd never had a girlfriend. "Well," he said, "lots of people think I'm gay, but I'm not. I masturbate a lot!"

Your SO's inability to have an orgasm without porn is a problem, obviously, and I understand your frustration. But perhaps a bigger problem is his refusal to seek professional help, which he obviously needs. A good sex-positive counsellor could help, if he would let them. They couldn't necessarily cure him, but the effort could well pay off in an improvement in his self-esteem, which must certainly be at the heart of the problem, at least now if not a lot earlier in his life.

If he continues to refuse to help himself, I can't see a good outcome to your relationship. Good luck to you.

Other (another Canadian)

-- Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:59 am --

My thoughts:

1) Looking at porn is not wrong, or right for that matter. It is just something that people do. I often look at porn, perhaps obsessively, and sometimes masturbate to it. But it doesn't colour my relationship with my wife. I don't compare her to porn "stars," or even wish that I could have sex with them rather than with her. I do fantasize about having sex with them, but it's a very private thing and helps me over the difficult times when my wife isn't interested in sex, which is more and more often as she and I age.

2) Masturbation is not wrong. I would say that something is wrong with any young man who doesn't masturbate or have sex frequently. True story: I once asked a former college professor, who was a bachelor, how he managed his sexual needs, since he'd never had a girlfriend. "Well," he said, "lots of people think I'm gay, but I'm not. I masturbate a lot!"

Your SO's inability to have an orgasm without porn is a problem, obviously, and I understand your frustration. But perhaps a bigger problem is his refusal to seek professional help, which he obviously needs. A good sex-positive counsellor could help, if he would let them. They couldn't necessarily cure him, but the effort could well pay off in an improvement in his self-esteem, which must certainly be at the heart of the problem, at least now if not a lot earlier in his life.

If he continues to refuse to help himself, I can't see a good outcome to your relationship. Good luck to you.

Other (another Canadian)

Porn and masturbation can be either good or not, everything needs to be in moderation. It is scientifically proven that watching excessive amounts of porn, which he has done, alters neurological pathways in your brain that result in desensitization, and a need for greater stimulation. It's not about him not wanting to have sex with me, or comparing me to them, it's about him not being able to achieve orgasm without it, because of his excessive masturbation with porn over the past 5 or so years. Eventually, when someone does this they become addicted, and so desensitized that it is hard to maintain an erection without it, and even harder to achieve orgasm. So yes, actually, there are things wrong with porn and masturbation if you don't practice these with moderation.

Also I might add that although he has chosen to stop watching porn forever, he still plans on masturbating once or twice a month, as he felt like it was controlling him, but he still wants to enjoy it in moderation.