is this romance addiciton/ polyamory/ self harm?

Hi there,
This is my first time posting on this area of psychforums, although i was posting regularly on the BPD and Bi-Polar sections for a while.
I know I've got some serious issues with some addiction style behaviour in relation to men and I really need to get some feedback from like minded people, and possible some story shares so i can work out what type of help i need.
Basically, I have cheated on every single boyfriend I've had. Overall I think I've cheated either emotionally or literally dozens of times. Previously I just chopped it up to being in unhappy relationships that weren't serving me, which is true. But in the relationship I'm in at the moment, I'm so happy and so in love with him, that i can't work out why the hell i'm getting these urges?
I had an emotional affair with a guy just after I got engaged to my current partner. This person was someone who I regularly pursued before I met my partner and who i had strong (and complicated) feelings for despite not actually wanting to be in a relationship with him. He turned back up in my town after being away and on a drunken night out he looked at me in a certain way and this heady overwhelming feeling came over me, like every blissful hormone in my body got released all at once. For the next few weeks I walked the tightrope of cheating, sleeping over at his house but not doing anything, flirting outrageously, pecks on the mouth without tongues etc... but eventually all this built up and i ended up cheating. After that point I felt pretty ######6 horrible, and told my partner.

As we were so happy, he concluded that this was a form of self harming behaviour, and he decided to stay with me and work through it. the psychiatrist I was seeing for my various mood disorders agreed, particularly as I really couldnt understand why I'd done what I'd done and felt what I felt whilst being so in love with my partner, and really wanting a future together.

This weekend though, I found myself in a similar scenario with this guy Jack, who i knew has fancied me for a while but that i had zero attraction to before this point. I got drunk and suddenly all my inhibitions went out of the window and i found myself dancing on the line again in exactly the way i had before. Although I didn't snog the guy or worse, I feel wretched. I told him that i had zero self control, allowed him to believe i'd fancied him for a while, and told him he'd need to be strong because I couldn't be trusted and didnt want to be a cheat. Then i basically got a kick out of spending most of the evening knowing we both wanted to touch each other and couldn't. I got such a buzz from it that the euphoria lasted for 2 days...

Again, I have not intention of leaving my partner nor any inclination to. So why the ###$ am i feeling these things? I'm a good person, and I really dont ever want to hurt anybody, but these urges i get are out of my control and have such a destructive potential...

Its always the same feeling i get when i've cheated before, this insane buzz, and even when i'm outside of relationships i've kissed or slept with guys i wouldnt otherwise dream of going near if those feelings hadn't have kicked in, so i think it's more than just a forbidden fruit scenario.

I would be asking if i had a sex addiction except i don't orgasm when i have one night stands. It takes me several encounters with the same boyfriend to come or to even enjoy it in that way. i also find it hard to muster up much of a sex drive when it involves other people, even my partner- i fancy the hell out of him, he's fit as ###$, and i think about him when i'm..you know. but i still find sex hard work. its just seduction that seems to have this insane effect on me.

can anyone else relate to this? wtf is wrong with me? how do i stop this? where does it come from? please give me answers because i really dont want to destroy my relationship, its one of the best things in my life. i just want to be the kind of girlfriend my partner deserves.

thank in advance.

Would giving up alcohol help at all? Give you more space to think about what you want long term. Rather than the immediate gratification of being attractive to someone. And that buzz as you wrote. Of forbidden fruit.

Hi Ada,
I actually had given up alcohol for a while, but I hit a strange euphoric hyperactive patch (possibly to do with either my BPD or bipolar) which caused me to throw caution to the wind and get drunk :/
I'm sure that everythign that happened that evening (and the days prior and after it) were a result of this "phase" but i'm convinced that we never just act randomly, even when manic... i'm sure there's something in there somewhere...