Pornography will be the death of me

Hi everyone. I'm a 19 year old guy who has a lot of problems.
All of my problems are related to my excessive abuse of pornography. I started watching pornography when I was 10, thinking it was 'harmless fun'. The main issue is that it wasn't just harmless fun, because it made my life terrible.

For starters, I had a sexual experience when I was 3 or 4 years old, with a boy. I think that event caused all the bad things, fetishes and paraphilias that i discovered through pornography.
I started with regular porn, after that I found myself watching gangbangs, threesomes, bukkake, shemales, incest, rape. And now, to top it all off, I watched a normal porn video, in which I imagined that the woman was a 'kid' and got extra aroused. That freaked me out completely. With all due respect to everyone, I'm not a pedophile, and I have no fantasies regarding children.

Why do you think that these unusual pornographic tastes develop, is it because of my sexual experience or something else? Is there a cure? God, I wish I never watched porn, I'm really depressed now, constantly anxious and even suicidal. Help.

It seems clear that you were sexualized at an early age, and were exposed to porn at an age when you couldn't really understand what you were seeing or how it affected your mind and body. You don't mention whether you masturbate to porn, or whether pornographic imagery affects your sexual relationships, assuming you have any sexual relationships.

It's important to realize that you are not a pervert, or even abnormal. It's just that your sexuality is highly coloured by pornography. Through no fault of your own (you are a curious person, like everyone, and sexual, like everyone), pornography has become something, perhaps the only thing, which turns you on. Looking at porn doesn't make you "pornographic," just as having fantasies about pedophilia doesn't make you a pedophile.

To ask if there is a "cure" for watching pornography implies that it is a disease. It is not. It is an activity which you seem to wish to be rid of. Your challenge will be to learn to accept pornography as part of your sexual landscape, but understand that it is not the only part. Just admitting in this forum that you're concerned is part of the "cure". Also, please understand that pornography is not the cause of suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts come from the mind, which is malleable. I think that some counselling from a sex therapist would help you to understand yourself and give you some piece of mind.

Other

Thank you for your reply. The problem is in my OCD (diagnosed with pure O) and incredibly high moral standards which I've set for myself. There lies the conflict, I just can't seem to be at peace if everything isn't in order in my mind. For example, I had everything under control back in July... I've finally become at peace with my sexuality, but being an idiot that I am, I returned to watching pornography, and just provoked an avalanche of terrible events. Even though I got myself in a bad state, one night I got up and watched a normal porn which i distorted in mind, creating an 'image' of a child, and got extra aroused. After that I ended up in a hospital because of a panic attack. I've never fantasized about pedophilia, or anything of that kind, I just really don't like kids, so to speak.

Images of porn seem to affect my daily functioning, creating incredible anxiety, it's almost like PTSD or something similar. I've been traumatized with all the stuff I've seen and it's really frightening. I've talked with my sex therapist and he's always really positive, and tells me that every aspect of sex is good, if there's no harm done. But I'm a really stubborn, OCD-y person and really difficult to get through.

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but when I was, pornography wasn't even on my mind... I was normally aroused when kissing my girlfriend etc. I didn't need any external stimuli. And to think, that I had it all, just two months ago, and now I'm in shambles... is just devastating. OCD+ excessive morality+pornography is a deadly combination.

Do you think that my early start of viewing porn had something to do with my tastes becoming 'weird' later on?

klontar_7 wrote:Thank you for your reply. The problem is in my OCD (diagnosed with pure O) and incredibly high moral standards which I've set for myself. There lies the conflict, I just can't seem to be at peace if everything isn't in order in my mind. For example, I had everything under control back in July... I've finally become at peace with my sexuality, but being an idiot that I am, I returned to watching pornography, and just provoked an avalanche of terrible events. Even though I got myself in a bad state, one night I got up and watched a normal porn which i distorted in mind, creating an 'image' of a child, and got extra aroused. After that I ended up in a hospital because of a panic attack. I've never fantasized about pedophilia, or anything of that kind, I just really don't like kids, so to speak.

Images of porn seem to affect my daily functioning, creating incredible anxiety, it's almost like PTSD or something similar. I've been traumatized with all the stuff I've seen and it's really frightening. I've talked with my sex therapist and he's always really positive, and tells me that every aspect of sex is good, if there's no harm done. But I'm a really stubborn, OCD-y person and really difficult to get through.

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but when I was, pornography wasn't even on my mind... I was normally aroused when kissing my girlfriend etc. I didn't need any external stimuli. And to think, that I had it all, just two months ago, and now I'm in shambles... is just devastating. OCD+ excessive morality+pornography is a deadly combination.

Do you think that my early start of viewing porn had something to do with my tastes becoming 'weird' later on?

Hello, klontar. This is actually my first time posting on another forum (usually I'm in the paraphilias section), but since I myself have struggled with pornography addiction over the years and just quit about a week ago at the realization it was negatively affecting my life, I figured I might be able to help.

It's quite possible that early viewing (especially now in the age of the internet when everything is available) may have led to your tastes changing. When I was 10 it was a little different since there really wasn't much to look at yet since that was back in 1997 and aside from friends showing me magazines or pay-per-view, I wasn't exposed to much. Then the internet exploded, and suddenly you could find whatever you wanted.

The trouble with porn is that once you start looking at it regularly, it can easily become an addiction, and once it does that, it'll take more and more for you to get off or "get high" so to speak. I think I'm like you in that respect, and also vs. real life. I was spending longer and longer scrolling through porn just to find something particular that I liked, but in real life, I can get off with someone with no problem and more often than not, I end up finding people closer to my own age attractive (I'm 28 and gay, usually attracted to young teens and trying to move past that).

In my own defense, I've been depressed and lonely for quite a long time, but believe me when I tell you that porn doesn't help. My own situation in particular started off with curiosity, I was around 17 when I started looking at twink porn, then after awhile of that it didn't work for me anymore and I ended up downloading webcams of questionably-aged teenagers for awhile and ran into CP. Last year I got a visit from the DHS, and that was enough to terrify me back into looking at only what's legal. Obviously you don't want to go down that road. I wouldn't consider myself a pedophile either, but I've gotten to the point recently where I realized that browsing through images and videos themselves was oddly enough more addicting to me than actually getting off to them. It was psychological, like I'd come home and instantly open tabs to all the usual sites to see what was new and I'm just like "this can't be good, it's turning into a drug". And it affects your brain in a very similar way, withdrawal symptoms included.

I don't think a lot of people realize that, but the addiction itself actually ends up having little to do with porn or sexuality and more with the mental and psychological patterns of a drug addict. That's basically exactly what it is--a drug. So I can't really agree with MyOtherLife on this one. It may not be a "disease" outright, but it is important you see it for the addiction it is. It isn't something that can change your sexuality necessarily. You have to think of it in terms of being like a new type of drug or food. You want to try it because it's different. Same principle.

I'm not saying you can't still look at porn and live a harmonious life...but you just have to be mindful of how much time you're spending on it. I used to go through things for at least an hour to two hours, and that's when I realized it was becoming a problem for me. If porn is affecting you to the level it's creating anxiety in your life, then you need to learn how to tone it down, or otherwise do your best to stay away from it altogether.

If you Google "Your Brain On Porn", the first site that comes up is a GREAT resource that tells you all about pornography addiction, there are tons of stories and FAQs and resources there that can help you overcome it if you need to.

I've been 7 days free from porn now, and though I'm still a bit desperate to start checking all the old sites I was going to, it's easier than it was before. You just have to take it one step at a time, keep going to therapy for anxiety and OCD, and know that though it'll take a while, you will see progress. The best thing you can do for your mental health is try to relax, and if they urge to look at porn hits, go for a run or exercise if you're able to. It helps clear the mind and reduces your stress levels.

Again, try to see it for what it is and don't get bent out of shape just because you got turned on by something you didn't expect; fear of it happening can often MAKE it happen for you, and I've learned that more times than I care to count. I was on anti-depressants for some time last year because I had so many panic attacks over different things. Just try to relax, DEFINITELY learn meditation and breathing exercises (works so well for me!), take up something like painting or some sort of physically involving activity that doesn't generate feelings of stress or anxiety for you.

As for high moral standards, I don't think anything like that would be harmful, but again, if it's causing stress, there may be some things you need to let go of, i.e. if you have to constantly "prove" to yourself that you are some way, it may help to speak to a therapist about that too. Life is meant to be lived, not dictated by a constant set of certain rules, whether someone else sets them for you or if you set them yourself. It helps to push our boundaries sometimes to see what we can do, what we might be interested in, etc. As a gay person (or at least I think I'm gay...sexuality to me is fluid, and I have been interested in girls before), I spent years denying so many experiences that could have happened, and it finally occurred to me last night as I was thinking about my childhood and teenage years that I missed SO MANY opportunities during which I could have acted or took some initiative, but didn't because I was convinced I was straight and moral (I was raised in the church so you can imagine how much of a Bible-thumping Christian I was lol).

But last night I'm just like "omg I can actually identify these exact instances in my life, why didn't I go skinny dipping that time, why didn't I kiss that guy when he wanted me to, why didn't I get over my fear of heights when I had the chance?". And another thing too, pornography, like any drug, can keep you docile and sitting on your butt forever in front of a screen when you could be out there exploring and experiencing life! It's not meant to be a strict set of rules, there are many opportunities you can take now while you're still young. You say you're 19, don't end up like I did, still living at home at 28 and trying to get over my health problems (that sadly don't allow me to travel) and anxiety caused by years or eating the worst foods, sitting on my butt, being addicted to porn lol.

I'm just now turning my life around as I'm pushing 30, and you have every chance to get out there now while you're still young and really LIVE. Go to college, max out your student loan and spend the summer in Europe, get drunk, go to a gay bar, go to Amsterdam and smoke some marijuana, participate in the Running Of The Bulls festivities in Spain, go to the Netherlands and Britain and hang out at gabber clubs (gabber if you didn't know is this crazy-fast techno music that some people rage to, look up "Angerfist" and take a listen lol). There's so many things you could do. I never got to do any of it because my health sucks and I never went to college or did any of that when I could have, and I deeply regret it now. When "real life" hits, there's no going back, so don't spend it addicted to porn or worrying so much about your morality. You'll learn what you like and don't like. There's no better time to test your waters than now.

Anyway I'm just kind of rambling lol, but generally my best advice is to live your life, don't spend it addicted to things because addiction only holds you back from getting out there.

Good luck, and again Google "Your Brain On Born" and check out their resources, it really helped me, and I hope all of what I've said makes sense to you

Thanks for your wonderful reply, revolutionex. Parts of your post really moved me.

The situation when I had a panic attack really woke me up from my constant experimentation with pornography. I thought I was going to die, I couldn't move, my hands locked up and I even couldn't speak. The room started spinning. It was horrible. But even though that has also traumatized me, I think I won't be having those, as long as i stay away from porn. But it's really hard. I stopped for 20 days after that, only to start again, yesterday and today. I had 4 or 5 porn-watching sessions already today, and it's starting to become tempting again. But I just have to stop.

Can you tell me more about those arousals when you 'don't want it to happen', and it happens? I think that was the case, it kinda felt like that, although I'm not sure if i'm lying to myself?

I guess I'm getting better, I just have to keep going, no more suicidal thoughts or any of that weak-minded approach. I'm going to study my programming course, and start hitting the gym, and put this behind me.
Thanks again, and good luck to you too!

Revolutionex makes some excellent points, and seems to be more experienced than me in dealing with porn addiction. But I'll have to come clean here: I do look at a lot of porn, and I have little doubt that I am addicted to it. In some ways, porn (especially "amateur" porn) has been good for me, because it has shown me that I am not alone with my particular paraphilias and fetishes.

I am 71 years old, soon to be 72; from age 13 or 14 until about four years ago I had revealed my "unusual" sexuality to no one. Then, near the end of one of many meetings with a psychologist, I told her about some incidents in my childhood. She said, "I'm surprised that you didn't develop X and Y fetishes." "Well," I responded, after a pause, "I did." A couple of weeks later I revealed all to my very vanilla wife. I wasn't completely sure that she would stay with me after learning about the "real me," but she did, and has been very supportive. One of my more-vanilla fetishes is a fondness for wearing and masturbating in women's panties; soon after I told her about that, and the other fetishes/paraphilias, she took me shopping for panties!

My porn addiction reveals itself most at times when I'm bored and horny. I have several physical problems which cause a lot of stress, not to mention combat-related PTSD (I'm a Vietnam veteran). I also have a high libido, the opposite of my wife; while we have a good sexual relationship, it's not frequent enough for me, so I resort to porn and masturbation, which result in feelings of guilt and shame.

My parents certainly weren't Bible thumpers, but they were nominally Christian, and sexually "pure," or so they pretended. I got no sexual education at all from them, but I certainly got sexual propaganda. My father took pains to inform me, many times, that sex was a beautiful thing, as long as you were married! However, since I was sexual (most humans are!), I thought about sex constantly, masturbated frequently, and became obsessed with my fetishes and paraphilias, which assaulted me at puberty. I dated frequently in high school and college, but remained a virgin in part because of premature ejaculation and in part because of abject shame at my own sexuality, especially the fetishes and paraphilias. I desperately wanted to have a sexual relationship while believing that "proper" behaviour was not in the slightest sexual. The result was one very mixed up young man. (My father, incidentally, had what he thought was a secret stash of soft porn, which was the hard core porn of the 1950s.)

I no longer believe that private, solitary sexual behaviour or consensual sexual behaviour has anything to do with religious morality, or with religion for that matter. Nor do I believe that an addiction to pornography is any worse than any other addiction. The problem as I see it is trying to find balance in one's life. Part of that balance can come from the understanding that you are human, and therefore subject to needs which are sometimes difficult to control. You also need to understand that you are not necessarily in charge of your responses to life. We are subject to all of the past events in our lives, and constantly vulnerable to changes in brain chemistry. Our emotions are always a moving target.

Other