Advice for an Addicted and Addiction aware parent

Fellows, you may or may not have seen my previous posts. I'm a 42 years old Sex Addict married parent. I have a 5 yo girl and an 8 yo boy to raise. I wonder if there is some sort of guidance on how to identify and prevent sexual addiction for my kids. I don't want them to not like sex. It is a good and natural thing, but I don't want them to be like me and use sex as a drug. Of course, I know it is all about education and being aware of myself will likely allow for a better work than my parents did (not saying it is their fault only). Nevertheless, I want to have my eyes open. I know the boy likes to rub himself against a toy or sheets and soon will spend a long time in the shower. And I'm pretty sure the girl will soon too. And it is fine. It is good and natural. But in these connected days, if it happened to me, without internet, just through magazines and VHS, with free and abundant porn, it really scares me.
Any ideas?

Joe

t17ntfsa23, that sounds like a difficult situation and I wish you luck. I honestly think that the internet should be at least somewhat of a concern for all parents, in this way. I would say that I believe that sexual addiction is a learned behavior (I am sure that it is, for me) and so I would say that the things to look out for are really the things that you do when you are around them. Don't should them that sex is a crutch to be used. I know that both my father and my grandfather were clearly sex addicts. My father always had porn around (not in the open, but curious kids will find it, eventually), dated and flirted with other women (I am sure he thought I didn't understand it, but I saw the attention he got from attractive women and I certainly wanted the same thing, even at a young age), and pushed me to date even when I felt that I wasn't ready to ask a girl out. I remember when I was 9 years old and he and I took a trip across the country to visit his new wife and her family; it was a three day trip and the first two days we stayed with his "friends" (all attractive young women), I would sleep on the sofa and he would sleep in the bedroom with his "friend". I didn't entirely understand when I was 9, but as I got older I remembered it and it stuck with me. Be careful with the things that you do around your kids and treat sex as a part of life, but not the most important part. And, maybe the most important, teach and show them how to use other coping skills so that they will have other things to turn to, besides sex.

Thank you for your kind answer, Jim. I have memories of my father also being kind of addicted, having port around, some 'co-worker' friends (that lately he confessed he had sex with). But most of all, they seemed to think, probably him, that buying me Playboy magazines since I was like 9 or 10 would make me a man, just so I wouldn't become a sissy or something. I was the chubby boy with the magazines at school. Who can say he didn't have any sexual orientation issues...well, now there is only what I can do with that. Blame won't help.
But as you said, the example will be the important part to the kids. I believe so far I have kept things together and I hope to continue so.

Thank you,
Joe

I doubt that it's within a parent's power to control the sexual interests and activities of their children. However, there is little that is more important than making the attempt, assuming the goal is to rear children who have a healthy sexual relationship with their own bodies and a clear understanding of how best to incorporate sex into their relationships. My parents taught me nothing of value about sex, but through outright lies and religious "teaching" helped me to the place where I am now, beset with various sexual fetishes which have caused and continue to cause great angst and shame for me.

The best thing you can do is to become very knowledgeable about all aspects of sexuality. At the same time, you must be open about sexuality, answering all your children's questions about sex honestly and as completely as you can, given their level of knowledge and understanding. (An example of what not to do: When I was about eight or nine years old, I asked my mother how a baby got out of their mother's body. She hesitated, then gestured toward her stomach, and said, "Well, the mother's tummy just opens up and they come out." I instinctively new she was being less than truthful, and never again asked her another question about sex.)

Your kids won't be able to ask some questions, because they don't the necessary knowledge, so you have to teach new concepts. They need to know the facts about STD's, including HPV and birth control. They need to understand human sexual anatomy. They need to learn that sex is not just about physical pleasure (although sexual pleasure is a worthy goal), but includes emotions as well. They need to understand all of the risks associated with sexual activity before they are ready to accept the responsibility for taking those risks. Most of all, in my opinion, you need to teach them that they should never feel ashamed for being sexual. Desiring sex is normal, and any sexual activity is OK as long as no one is hurt in the process of meeting their sexual desires.

Finally, it's important to realize, as I'm sure you do, that young people are highly sexual beings who think about sex pretty much constantly. It's important for you to acknowledge that in ways that can foster new learning about sex. One of the best things my wife and I did for our son was to give him books to read. Two books were especially useful — Boys and Sex, and Girls and Sex. There are probably many more in bookstores today.

Other

Just adding a thought here. That sex addiction isn't the same as sex. So looking at ways to avoid any addictive behaviour. Whether sex, drugs, alcohol etc. Is also a positive idea in the long term. I agree with all the advice above about being open. And supporting your kids as far as possible in building healthy, realistic self esteem. Not empty praise. But looking at what they enjoy and trying to help them grow their success. Is going to be good too. So that they have healthy constructive ways to get positive feedback. And have a strong sense of internal motivation. Also to support them emotionally. So that they can be open about their feelings. Rather than looking for ways to "get away from themselves" when painful feelings come up. Which is one underlying cause of addiction in general.

As a parent, I think one thing to make sure you certainly work on too is yourself. I do not know where you are in your recovery, but if you're not through it, then I'd focus on that. As far as your children, I don't think that this kind of addiction is inherited genetically. I don't know enough about it per se, but I think it is more behavioral and due to certain experiences you or I may have had. Truth be told, I am not 100% sure that I am a sex addict, but I can see myself starting to go there, and from that insight, it makes me think that it is something you start doing to cope rather than a genetic thing. So perhaps just being there for them, teaching them that ways of coping are to talk things through and the like are ideal as opposed to porn or sex. They are too young for those concerns right now, and if I were you, I'd likely just focus on yourself but just keep an eye on it long term once you see signs. Just my opinion though. Take it for what it's worth, and good of you to know that you need to work on this.

I myself am a parent, and good to see you fighting this.

My wife was always squeamish about any sex talks with the kids when they were young, no doubt because of her early experiences, but I, for some reasons, looked forward to and embraced the challenge of raising sexual healthy kids.

My daughter was a couple years older, so when she was about 11-12, I went to the drugstore and bought every sexual product I thought she should know about- condoms, both male and female, dental dams, gloves, lube, sprays, creams, and anything else I thought was age appropriate.

I sat her down one night, alone, in the kitchen, and spread everything out. I went over everything one by one, explaining what they were and how they work, complete with bananas and dildoes to make my point. I talked about the reasoning behind it all, why some are better than others, and their importance. I talked about the dynamics behind sexual attraction, about why it's ok to like sex, and told her to never let anyone shame her or talk her down for whatever she liked- it was all good, don't ever be embarrassed by it. I went lightly on the bad side of sex, she got enough of it through the fear and hysteria in the media ( circa 1996 ish).

A couple hours later, I put it all in a bag, gave it to her, told her to put it in her drawer. I told her that she was coming to the age when she owned her choices, they became hers and not anyone elses. That she needed to learn internal trust and truth, and not depend on anyone else to provide it . I told her to use it when she needed it, give it to her friends when they needed it, and come see me when she ran out.

When my son was the same age, I did it all over again, leaning towards a male point of view.

They both were at first " you mean I can do anything I want?" kind of thing. Wanting to run with it. I would take time to explain that whatever choices they made were theirs not ours, and if they wanted to do "anything" than they would have to bear responsibility.

It worked out well, for as long as they lived here, I'd say. They both actually became very very careful about even dating, which was a bit unexpected, but they are wonderful fun kids, who talk about anything and everything with us.

I see myself as having all sorts of sexual kinks, some addiction, lots of paraphilias, messed up wiring, early sexualization. But I sure didn't want to pass it on.

Hope this helps.

-- Mon Nov 03, 2014 12:32 pm --

My wife was always squeamish about any sex talks with the kids when they were young, no doubt because of her early experiences, but I, for some reasons, looked forward to and embraced the challenge of raising sexual healthy kids.

My daughter was a couple years older, so when she was about 11-12, I went to the drugstore and bought every sexual product I thought she should know about- condoms, both male and female, dental dams, gloves, lube, sprays, creams, and anything else I thought was age appropriate.

I sat her down one night, alone, in the kitchen, and spread everything out. I went over everything one by one, explaining what they were and how they work, complete with bananas and dildoes to make my point. I talked about the reasoning behind it all, why some are better than others, and their importance. I talked about the dynamics behind sexual attraction, about why it's ok to like sex, and told her to never let anyone shame her or talk her down for whatever she liked- it was all good, don't ever be embarrassed by it. I went lightly on the bad side of sex, she got enough of it through the fear and hysteria in the media ( circa 1996 ish).

A couple hours later, I put it all in a bag, gave it to her, told her to put it in her drawer. I told her that she was coming to the age when she owned her choices, they became hers and not anyone elses. That she needed to learn internal trust and truth, and not depend on anyone else to provide it . I told her to use it when she needed it, give it to her friends when they needed it, and come see me when she ran out.

When my son was the same age, I did it all over again, leaning towards a male point of view.

They both were at first " you mean I can do anything I want?" kind of thing. Wanting to run with it. I would take time to explain that whatever choices they made were theirs not ours, and if they wanted to do "anything" than they would have to bear responsibility.

It worked out well, for as long as they lived here, I'd say. They both actually became very very careful about even dating, which was a bit unexpected, but they are wonderful fun kids, who talk about anything and everything with us.

I see myself as having all sorts of sexual kinks, some addiction, lots of paraphilias, messed up wiring, early sexualization. But I sure didn't want to pass it on.

Hope this helps.