Compulsive masturbation / escorting / smoking weed 27, male

Hello to all of you. First of all, I'd like to apologize for my English.

I'm 27, male.

Since I was like 5 y.o., I have been masturbating at least 6,7 times daily when being alone. Since early age I even managed to develop a way to masturbate without having an erection, so basicly I don't even need to be sexually stimulated by anything to reach an orgasm.

In childhood I have been experementing a lot with a various boys of my age, and then stopped this when I reached puberty, although constant masturbating itself never stopped. With or without porn, though usally with porn.

Had my first girlfriend from the age 15-18. She was a love of my life. One of the reasons we were arguing was me wanting to have anal sex and telling her she doesn't love me enough if she isn't willing to do this for me, etc. Also, I wasn't able to have fun unless I got drunk. She overgrew me and left while she headed on studying. While I was with her, I was - of course - masturbating, but also I had some gay oral sex in public toilet. I was scared to death I got HIV. I don't know why, but I was always so scared to get this ... even when I did those experemental things when being young ...

After high school I started smoking weed and playing poker.

In the city where I should be studying (I never did, I only work there), I had a girfriend. She was 37 when we met. I was 21. She gave me a telephone number on a bus.

We were together for 4 years. In between a was selling myself to guys to get enough money for the weed, because although I worked, I always used all the money in like 7-10 days ... I never liked what I was doing. It felt horrible. I said it is the last time everytime I did it. But still ... when I was broke, and needed to smoke weed, I had to do it. My gf eventualy found out about it ... but she hasn't left me because of it. She left me because I felt in love with a co-worker and this girl didn't have a slight idea how this was possible ... I was pretty lost then already.

In between, I was starting to get more and more by myself. Just weed and poker was enough for me. But then I remember I started to compare myself with others. I saw how others remember things and that my memory sucks for all of my life. That I have no creativity skills. That I'm always suspicous of others and rate them "bad" of "good". (sort of black and white thinking). This lead into the depression. I don't know if this really is depression, but I turned all of my suspicousness from others to myself. Now I think I'm not good enough at anything ...

I was prescribed Cipralex last year and some other pills this year, but I'm not really a fan of it. Since I haven't touched marijuana for the last 4 months (been smoking 0.5 grams from 19-26), I don't want to start with another drug because I'm afraid I will be OK for a while and then worse ... I'm also not doing the escort thing anymore since I realized it is dissgusting. Though I have to admit the thought of doing it sometimes turns me on ... but when I am with guy in any sort of sexual interection, I find it dissgusting in 99% of the times. Maybe I had a good time once or twice, so technicly I am bisexual, but I don't worry about it a lot.

However, the problem remains masturbating 5-10 times daily. I will start a 2-year college this year (this time I feel like 20-30% I want to finish it I think), and when I remember how compulsivly I masturbated to escape from mental activity in high scool, I get scared this will repeat ... whenever I read something I'm not 100% sure I understand, I start to blame myself. I always remember how others are in front of me ... better then me. And then I ask myself "what will this 2 year college" even be worth, if like millions of people can do all of this plus 80% of more advanced things ...

This style of writting is probably really confusing, but so am I. I want to say so many things. And then again I feel like I'm only "crying" over things. I read a lot of psychological books since I got depressed, but if you ask me something about it, I will hardly answer anything. One thing I know is my defense mechanism is intelectualizng ... I have to get involved in the real world. Be able to sit by the books for hours, and so on. I'm so scared of messing this up, since the studying isn't going to be free anymore this time ...

I feel a bit better writting this. At least I haven't masturbate in this time. Or chain smoke cigarettes or something.

So good things are: I haven't smoked weed for 4 months, I eat regulary (I lost like 20kilos when I was "studying" in other city living by myself).

I'm also thinking about reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-The-Habi ... 1401938094 ... though neither of books I read haven't helped me a lot ...

I haven't talked about any of this with my psychiatrist because I'm ashamed to talk about this. Basicly noone besides my ex knows how messed up I am. I only said I'm impulsive by nature and that I feel depressed to the doc. And she said I need to follow some dialy plan. I find this some as some triviality advice ... I would like to have some psychoteraphy or something ... I don't even know what I want ... I try jogging (never liked it), but can't shake the feeling is not really the thing for me. Well, I also went to Shiatsu therapy a week ago, too. Maybe it did helped a bit, however I liked the girl working there because she listned and understood a lot of my problems.

Any suggestion would be fine ...

Have a nice day all of you. And a happy song. To contribute something as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFGNaI9MV9o