Hit rock bottom

I've been addicted to online porn for years. It affects my life, my job, everything.
I'm married with kids and have a great family but when I'm by myself I waste every minute with porn. I can't wait to find that time in the day. Sometimes I stay up half the night and then go to work in the morning and waste the entire day at work looking at porn.
Besides wasting my life and ruining my job, I finally hit a new low.
I'd always seen posts for people that cater to different fetishes on a site.
I was going on a business trip this week and decided to call one of those people.
The posts always say that there are rules, no "full service" etc....
But I met this woman and was talking to her about what she does. I guess I was just generally interested. She told me I could touch her, have sex with her, but usually that's not what she does. it's more about being a dom for a guy, but I'm not really into that.
So I end up having sex with her and when we were almost done I had said that I only have sex with my wife and hadn't used a condom in years. She told me to take it off and finish without it. I did.
This is the first time I had ever met someone like that and done something like this. I really didn't think it was going to be sex. I feel so ashamed of myself and stupid. I never thought I would be in a situation like this of having unprotected sex with a person like that. It's not even something I wanted to do but I did.
I went the last 3 weeks with no porn at all. Quit cold turkey. Then I relapsed this week and it got worse. All this happened.
Feeling so desperate and like a horrible person. I have a great wife and kids. I don't know what I'm even looking for or why.

I really thought posting here would have helped but as soon as I got to work I wasted 3 hours looking at porn.

These stuff happen more than you would think in a marriage ... But the fact that you did it with another woman just because this was the preffered sexual outlet doesn't make you a horrible person, a horrible person would not have posted this and felt remorse about any of it. Its difficult to live when you're addicted so something as annoying as porn, but cutting down i guess is ultimately the best thing we can do..i Wouldnt know how the sexual dynamics work after getting married, but introducing porn in it would definetly not help , if not worsen the situation in some cases. The problem is that it's just so available at any time that most people think that its allright to just wonder off and do it despite the problems that it creates, but just because it's dthere lieing around(porn) doesn't mean you neccesarily have to look at it...Its true that when urges come you change as a person, but the satisfaction you get from not watching it or from cutting down definetly overweights the dissapointment we feel when watching it, if trying to cut down

Can I suggest getting STD tested, allen? It's not fun. But that might help with some of the reality here. As well as protecting your wife from potential harm.

And, if you're using porn as a diversion from negative feelings. Which is a pattern for some people with this issue. Then feeling ashamed is going to trigger the urge to use that diversion even more. So looking at alternative ways to manage those feelings. Could make a big difference. Even just trying to track your triggers can help.

Hi Allen,

I can sympathize with a lot of what you said and what you're feeling.

I second getting STD tested. Agree with Ada that it could scare you into not doing that again. I have been addicted to sex workers for more than half my life, and if I could go back to right after the first time to get scared enough to stop, I would do it. Happy to talk more if you'd like.

Not knowing what you're looking for or why is disheartening. Do you have a therapist? I highly recommend finding someone who can help you discover the root causes of your thinking and behavior. Although the personal insight I have hasn't caused me to quit once and for all, it is an extremely valuable tool in the fight.

Quitting and relapsing is the worst. I've decided today to set a goal of once per day masturbation - at home. I'm going to do it right after my wife goes to bed and then go to bed myself. This seems like a reasonable goal for me right now. I think that's the catch. I can still look forward to getting my fix, but it is a significant change and reduction that will make me feel a lot better. Can you set a goal of cutting back?

I am going to get tested.
I keep failing. Not meeting anyone but wasting hours of my day with porn. What I do mostly is go into chat forums and talk about sex to people.
I feel like a complete fraud. Lying to my family about how much work I need to do. How much time I need to spend when it's really all sex addiction.
Trying again today to quit. I should say, stopping today, not trying. If I only try I know I will fail.

Hi Allen, I pretty much been there, many times, putting my life, marriage and jobs at risk. Many times. I even brought some STDs home and was able to get away with that (nothing lethal, but still). It keeps happening. Every single time, I tell myself it will be the last, I freak out about HIV (although very low risk, since I never had intercourse without a condom, only oral sex), freak out about my wife finding out, losing my kids, family, job. I managed until now, and I not only feel now that I'm addicted to sex but also to the fear, the angst and the thrill of the possibility of losing everything, as if my life was not adventurous enough, that I need to sneak out and do something out of the ordinary. It is a terrible thing. I feel a bit hard quitting the addiction to sex and then having sex with your wife. It is like quitting alcohol, except you can get drunk at home with your wife. In that sense, it seems harder. I though about going to group meetings, I really think it would help, but I don't think she would understand or accept it. I hate the games, the deception. But once I think I'm the clear again, it seems like a new day and all those nice girls, websites, chat rooms, craigslist, forums, tinder, etc, seem so attractive that is hard to manage.
Hope you make it.
Joe