Sex Addict on the Long Road to Recovery

Week 11, Day 1

I'm approaching the final stretch. Mornings still bug me, but I can get past that every day. Perhaps these cumbersome feelings will become benign as I continue. As I've said before, going to the bathroom usually helps and by that point I"m awake for the day. It was my first week by myself for several hours and I didn't seem to have any issues with losing my focus. It sucked, because I am bored out of my mind, I've got two job offers I have to wait on, catching up to my school work was easy this last week, and being broke doesn't help with any of it. Regardless, I've found some projects to keep me busy- maybe not the most fun endeavors, but these activities pass the time. It also helps to have the baby around as a time buffer- thank goodness he's not mine! As far as my deeper journeys go, I've taken a different turn with my 'horrors'. Instead of seeking other people in fantasy as a way to getting my kink, I've let myself at night have my kink (In thought alone- zero actions were made) and to only involve Melissa. I've found the same type of solace as I was mentioning last week, and going to sleep became easier. I've had some strange dreams throughout the week, but because of how early we've been waking, I've had difficulty remembering them. I can only remember one where I was jumping from node to node in a virtual type of space, feeling like I was trying to seek the next node in this network of nodes. Anyway, as a result of my new 'allowance', I've not thought about fantasies involving other people so much. At the same time, I've been trying to find the source to my kink, the root of my fantasies where all other complexities and fantasies arrive. Without going into detail, I've found that it is multifaceted; it comes from my own issues with family, my desire for attention, a very minor form of trauma I've experienced, the want I have for something which I can call my own, the fact that I've trained myself to enjoy it, and even the fact that none of these things could be a possibility and it is only the search to understand it that I allow myself to keep it. What rang loudly out of these facets is the idea that I have replaced an idea of a real escape (vacations, going out) with satisfying my kink. For years I've seen it as pointless to go out and enjoy a real escape when I could do something that doesn't cost anywhere near as much- I don't have the excess funds while searching for my entry level job to afford an escape. I've exhausted my limits for things to explore in my area going by foot and car; this area falls in the gap of being between three major cities, Orlando, Tampa, and Miami- it's common knowledge here that if you want to do something, then you go there. So, because of the financial difficulty I have to get to these places, my kink serves as a defense against needing to go to these types of places, or so I think. This kink has been around before my family even moved to this area, so I still have some mental gaps to fill; but I feel like understanding all of these sources can help me find ways to mentally move on from what I've been compensating with and appropriately fill that void. This aspect of my sexual addiction recovery I believe will take longer than the 12-week program, but again, I will see what comes to me in the next two weeks. I will be occupying my mind and body away from these escapes, and keeping my thoughts as thoughts and not executed actions.

Week 12 - Day 1

Here it is, my last week. I'm happy to see this come to a close soon. As far as my struggles, It's been easy going through this past week. I get up so early and fall asleep so easily that I rarely have any horrors or intense cravings. Today, however, is the exception. This morning I woke up with the most intense thoughts and I was more turned on than I wanted to be. I suppose since I barely gave myself time to think this way, it all flooded me at once now that I had a chance to sleep in! Whatever the case, these were not my usual morning horrors, but were actually childhood fantasies coming back to me. My fantasies involved me purchasing dolls/makeup doll heads for my own pleasure. Since I was very young, I've found the barbie and bratz dolls to be attractive, and I used to fantasize that once I was living by myself, I would buy a lot of them and act out sexually with the toys. I don't plan on acting on these thoughts or fantasies, but while I indulged in imagining these fantasies with photos from the web as recently as a year ago, I find it odd to see such an overwhelming return so late in my program. I would have figured this part of my fantasy was easily curbed; I guess not. Regardless, I look forward to keeping busy this week. I've got two potential jobs lined up and I'm actually more stressed (in a good way!) about how I'm going to go about taking one over the other. This is all very exciting, and I know that by the time I make my next post, I'll have a more concrete foothold on where my immediate future lies.

1st time ever being on a fourm but my name is al and i am 25 and married .... when i got married i was so happy and thought things would get better. when i was younger i used to look at porn and masturbate as many times as 10 plus a day now that i have been married for 2 years now i thought the all the problems would go away but recently i have found myself looking at porn and that wasent doing anything for me so i ended up cheating on my wife and hiding it from her for a awhile and now it just came out so i am looking for help with my problem i looked up different saa and all of them have said something about god and higher power but i dont believe in god and not sure if they are right for me

Hi Aljay,

Maybe the higher power aspect of the SAA programs aren't for you, so highlight the parts of the program you feel will work and leave the parts that you don't feel are pertinent to your recovery. I personally chose a program with a higher power because I have been sitting on the fence on that topic for many years, was athesist for a few, and bounced back to the grey area. After embracing my own program I have written letters both 'to' and 'as' my higher power which just puts my own humanity into perspective. I'm not recommending you take the same path as me, because every recovery is never a cookie-cutter recipe for success. Like a workout regimen, you need to find and fit what works for you, and most importantly; once you pick what fits you best, you commit to it and let in those whom you've been pushing out of your life in the know. I hope my own experiences help you on your personal journey!

If it helps at all, Al. Writing as an atheist myself. Who does twitch at the religious element. I think the aim of the "higher power" part. Is to believe that it IS possible to recover. Because that can be hard to believe if we also believe that we have total control over our lives. Because if we really had that much control, we'd just change. It would be easy. No external factors, no background or hereditary impact.

So having a concept of a "friendly universe." A general "push towards good." Or even an evolutionary basis for believing that sex addiction impairs being a healthy human being. Will work just as well. But it does depend on your local meetings. Some are going to be much more centred around a particular religion or subtype of religion than others. And as Cohesive says. It may just not be right for you either. There ARE other choices too. The best plan is only the one that works.