Sex Addict on the Long Road to Recovery

Maya,

Thanks for your support! Truth be told, I was never happy about starting this program, nor did anyone tell me I had to do it. I chose to do this program for several reasons, the first being that I was throwing tantrums when my fiancee and I weren't having sex. The second was that I knew that I have never taken a deliberate several month break from masturbating, which leads me into the third reason: A cessation of my fantasies can only lead me to better behaviors. If I'm not using my time masturbating, then I will find something far more productive to do with my life. Prior to starting my recovery, I knew this wouldn't be an easy path, but I've kept the end result in my sights. Any little discovery I make about myself, positive or negative, will be a boon to my own personal insight and would offer one piece to the puzzle in overcoming my feelings of anxiety, despair, and guilt. So far, this has been the case. What has really kept me going through all of this is when I size myself up with who I am now, who I was before the 12 week program, who I was during my rock bottom moments, and who I was when I was genuinely happy in the past; I see an extremely distinct difference in these people with varying levels of happiness and life struggles. Point being, I feel myself getting closer to a genuine happiness each day with my horrors becoming more fleeting. Thanks again for your input, you helped solidify the struggles I went through before deciding to go through with the program.


Week 6 - Day 2

My mouth ulcers are finally beginning to recede! Less pain and more talking is possible. Unfortunately, I've had this affliction since childhood, so I know it will return during an unfortunate lip bite or just with the passage of time; I'm trying some studies of my own from some research papers I've perused through, so we'll see how that goes. Anyway, school work has been keeping me extremely busy- and as a follow up to my down-and-out post last week- I think that this job is in my sights! HR finally posted the position, and my interviewer sent me an e-mail to set up a meeting next week! I'm excited and prepared. The job isn't anything spectacular when you put in the scope of the grand scheme of things, but for my life, this is huge. For the past two years, I have been trying to search for a STABLE entry-level position in my field. I've done quite a bit of intermittent work, but it couldn't guarantee me a living wage. With this position, I can keep going to school full-time (for now) while working my way into a real career. Once I graduate, perhaps I can work my way into an even higher position- but I'm getting ahead of myself. I've gone through the first interview with these guys, now I've got to interview with several more people for this position, fill out some paperwork, and finally get started. So this is bad stress gone good. This has helped bring clarity into my view which has opened me up to some new horrors.

Most mornings lately have been relatively calm; I have some off-colored dreams every now and then, but lately that hasn't even been the case. This morning however was full of fantasies, images, and thoughts I could not get out of my head until I forced myself to wake up. It's like an internal alarm clock that won't let me be. I've tried to lay in bed for extended periods of time, slow my breathing, and attempt to relax my body, but everything seems to be 'boiling' on the inside. I feel jittery, unnecessarily turned-on, and wide awake. I understand there's a component of mind over matter, but at the same time, sleeping in isn't exactly something I was aiming to do. Beyond this morning, my busy life (schoolwork, 'perma' babysitting, and LOTS of side activites) has been keeping me occupied throughout- this I have found to be the most beneficial to my recovery. Otherwise, I lie in wait for the next 'horror', and am ready to handle it in the best fashion possible.

Professer,

I was able to watch the ten parts of John Bradshaw's Bradshaw On: The family available on YouTube. He is a phenomenal orator who made an extremely eye-opening and gut-wrenching talk on the family dynamic. Part 4 was the section which was the most relevant to my struggle, and it made me consider my own family's dynamic. My family's focus shifted from my brother and I to my mother because of an extremely rare nerve disease she was afflicted with after a surgery went wrong. The short story is, she has a morphine pump installed in her body and now relies on this and other legal narcotics to help get her through the daily pain she experiences. As the years have gone by, she has fallen multiple times which has incapacitated her for months because of broken bones and sheer pain. It makes sense to me why, during our teenage years, my brother and I had such a contrasting dynamic; he was the trouble maker, I was the silent sufferer. We were both clawing our ways to getting attention the only ways we knew how against a force which neither of us had the maturity to understand was and still is completely out of our controls. Thank you very much for sharing this eye-opening piece with me, I would like to read the books, or at least find more whole parts to his talks; I find it amazing how long ago this was recorded yet how extremely relevant it is today!

I'm sick and can't fall back asleep, yet. So I'm early posting this week.

Week 7 Day 1

I fell short again last night. This is no excuse, but I used Melissa briefly while she was sleeping. It doesn't matter if it was a few seconds this time or a few minutes like last time. I messed up. One of my triggers is spandex/yoga pants and she wore a pair to bed. I did everything prior to my mistake to keep myself occupied away from what she was wearing, but I woke up in the middle of the night in a haze with thoughts flooding my mind like how it would feel on my skin and my fingertips. I caved. Like I said earlier, it doesn't matter if it's a few minutes or a few seconds. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing then, but I have the memories, the guilt, and the anxiety to go with sneaking around. This is no excuse either, but I haven't been able to find the courage to talk to Melissa about my program lately. She's been so stressed about how she's being treated at work and with how little we get to see each other with our lives being so busy, that I've been afraid to bring up any of my struggles because I know it will ruin our time being sweet to each other. I just made a bad move this week and I plan on continuing on and speaking with her about all of this. I have an interview coming up this Monday and my school work is piling up. Good stress and bad stress all around.

But can't you tell, what does go before you feel oncoming of periods of addiction? What can make return you to the famili?

Asellus,

I'm blinded by my own thoughts because the feelings can be overwhelming. That being said, after speaking with Melissa, she came up with a totem- or a SA coin of sorts. Now it sits by my bed, and when I have anything disturbing come to me, I take the coin as a reminder of what I'm in this program for. Normally, these bouts happen at night when I can't reach out to anyone; but so long as I can occupy myself, I can distract my thoughts long enough to help my excited mind reach the proper point of exhaustion. The coin acts as a 'toll bridge' to give myself an opportunity to change my actions before its too late; I've had to use it this way already this morning. So far it has been successful. I hope this answers your questions.

Week 8, Day 2

I've been doing well; I've caught up on my SA activities from the weeks prior so I feel good as far as still sticking with my program. I'm a bit antsy because I've been told to wait until the end of this week to hear if I got the job or not, but I'm optimistic to say the least. As far as my recovery, I was doing a well needed e-mail cleansing, stuff dating back from '09- this being before and after my rock bottom. Apparently, I archived a bunch of porn subscriptions and websites I've made payments to. Glancing the title of some of these e-mails really brought back a lot of memories. In a rush of mental visuals, I could remember what the web pages looked like, my log in information, and even video and image thumbnails. I felt my desire for these websites surge, but I remembered that I wasn't in a good place during this time of my life. I have and have been using the sense to move on, occupy my thoughts and actions, but the mixed feeling hangs in my heart. I know for certain that I will not act on these thoughts or memories, but that I must tread lightly in my own head. This event aside, the occasional morning 'horror' still comes to me, I see porn vids I used to watch or recurring fantasies I used to delve in during my sleepy haze. I see it as a sign to wake up, though I've only used my 'coin' token twice since I last spoke of it. I will continue to use it as often as I can. This week will be as busy as the last, but I will have more time by myself with Melissa finally getting hours; the last time she had this many hours, I relapsed a few times. I'm ready to face what comes to me, and busy myself when it haunts me most.

Week 9, Day 1

I'm up early. I'd rather be sleeping, but my mind is wired and full of thoughts. I had to use my token this morning to help me out of bed. It's still hard to sleep next to Melissa when she wears yoga pants. Lately, I've been treating clothing that I'm normally triggered by as I would any other article of clothing, but these thoughts and desires to feel her body are cumbersome. The other day, I had a dream which helped me realize that there is a link between my school stresses and my kink for these clothes. I don't entirely get it, though, because I've been busting my butt all week on these projects, I currently have all A's (which I've had a bad grade streak for the last few quarters), and I've never performed better at what I'm doing. I still have opportunities at that place I had my interviews- I'm still waiting through every stage, filling out bureaucratic paperwork. So i have very little doubt that I'll get this job. I keep myself busy all day, but at night and in waking mornings, I still have these desires. The feeling was so overwhelming today that I needed to make this post earlier just to displace my thoughts. I don't plan on going through with anything other than helping see to it that Melissa has a happy birthday. If I had the money, I'd be taking her out so unfortunately, her gift from me will be belated. But, I know I'll make it good when the time comes. That's all for now, I'm going to try to get some rest again.

I'm happy to see you've continued on your diary of recovery, as well as your recovery program.

There must be a graduation of levels between full-on addiction and not addicted. If so, you certainly are dealing with the most-intense form. I congratulate you for your determined effort.

I wish you well on your journey to full health and a joy-filled life!

One question, if I may, what type of work do you feel you'd enjoy being employed at the most?

Professer,

Thanks again for the supportive words, I have no other experiences to compare this to in my life. But, you're right. Intense describes what I'm feeling accurately each day.

To answer your question, I'm going through an entry level career search in anything IT: troubleshooting, hardware, software, application development, etc... I've had my fingers in all of those pies. The problem is, southwest Florida has an awful job market, IT having very little presence. Most of the stable positions in this metropolitan area are easily 40-60 minutes where I live from, so without any starting money, I can't travel. I've attempted to look for intermediate jobs more locally, grocery stores, restaurants, fast food, etc... but I can't get a call back. I've received plenty of offers out of city/state, but without the moving startup, I can't feasibly make this happen. Especially trying to relocate two people. So, to sum it up, I'd like to do anything that pays me enough to move out of this city to find a reasonable pay for an entry level IT career. If the position is out here I wouldn't mind, but again, this area is not IT friendly. I would give it a few years before it becomes a more solid industry in the swampy home of the newly wed and nearly dead.

Sorry for the long winded response, my situation has been iffy ever since I tried throwing myself into the job market about two years back; I'm sad to say that I've seen a lot of great opportunities come and go.

As an addition to this week's post, and as part of my twelve week program, I will be posting four letters I made to the people I've hurt knowingly/unknowingly. These are extremely personal letters, so if that sort of talk makes you uncomfortable- here's my disclaimer.

Week 10, Day 1

This week has been insane, to say the least. To make a long story short, my family had to deal with bailing out another member of the family- only to receive ungrateful words after getting out. So, that was stressful. On the brighter side of things, Melissa got an entry level career after four months of searching! Hopefully by September I'll be hearing back from the world's slowest HR where I applied at, and the two of us can finally get the ball rolling in our lives. Sure full-time work is a big stress in itself, but I like to think it's nowhere near as stressful as being cooped up in a little room sharing the house with three other adults with no gas money to travel outside of the house- sure we go for walks, but we always have to return.
Anyway, beyond the stir craziness, I've been having some really intense visuals. I talked to Melissa about this already, but my cravings at night are leading me into scenarios of being single. Not only that, but because in my visions, I can't realistically manifest my own fantasies without certain conditions being met, I can't imagine any reasonable woman would want to delve into my kink- so not only am I single in these fantasy/horrors, but I'm soliciting she-males because of my desperate desire for fantasy. I get it, an escape would be nice from the day in day out life I"m living, and to top it off- I"m not giving into my addiction as an escape. I've cut porn out of my life entirely after using it for years; what bothered me most about these visuals was the solace I got. I couldn't sleep because of my cravings, but as soon as I let these images come to me, I actually felt myself feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep! I took a long hard look at how I would really feel if I were single, I wasn't happy with the result. I even looked down the road I was on with Melissa, I felt extremely happy looking into the future with her. The only thing either of us could think of was for me to post about these visions online. I haven't parted ways with my program, nor do I plan to. Even after these 12 weeks, I believe that I may start another 12 weeks in the future. I feel great in some ways, but in others, I feel no progress has been made- I'm being told otherwise, so I'll just have to wait and see in two weeks.

Letters

To All of the Women I've Touched,

I’m sorry for the way that I've violated you in secret, you chose to wear what you did not because you wanted the attention I wanted to give you. I made the decision to touch you or touch myself to you, regardless of what you were thinking or knowing. Whether you noticed or not, I crossed a boundary which I never should have. I was only thinking of myself and I never want to put you or anyone else in my view in such a way again.

Daniel
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To All of the Women I've Taken Photos of,

I’m sorry for what I did. I wanted to remember you in a way I never should have let myself. You never asked for me to take these pictures of you, nor would you have wanted me to touch myself to you living your day-to-day life. You never deserved the treatment I gave you in secret, nor the way I would have acted in person. I have destroyed every picture I've ever taken of you, and I hope that they will not come back to haunt you nor me.

Daniel
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[My Ex],

I’m sorry that I've gone behind your back so often. I’m sorry that I've looked for so many other alternatives. I was in a different place, and I thought I knew what was right for me. The photos of other women, the pornography, and the violations I pressured you into when you and I both knew you weren't ready was never right of me. I wronged you, and I can never undo what I've done. I want to move on from our damaged past and build a new future as a better person, I hope that you too can do the same.

Daniel
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Melissa,

I’m sorry for how many times I've crossed the line. I’m sorry for every time that I've made suggestions towards something that made you uncomfortable, but accepting because of how much I knew you just wanted to feel loved. I never meant to intentionally manipulate you this way; I just wanted to have the feeling all to myself. I never meant to hurt you by taking pictures of other women, and masturbating to others so much that you no longer felt like I was attracted to you. I didn't understand what I was doing to myself, but only that my addiction made me not think about the consequences of my actions. I want to grow with you, in maturity and happiness; and by feeding my addiction, it shattered our relationship, and causes late night arguments about mundane things. I’m ready to move on, and I want to see you there with me. I love you, will you please forgive me?

Love, Daniel

I read all of these to Melissa last night and she was happy to say that she already forgave me. It was hard going through my memories thinking of people that I've hurt in this way. I felt guilty, but she reminded me that who I am now is not the person who hurt these people. Only my past self is guilty, and as long as I haven't crossed the line in the way that I did, I haven't done anything wrong. Then, she told me that I needed to post these online, which I was initially shocked to discover- I didn't want to burden the community with my personal letters. However, with Melissa's help, I realized that nothing bad could come from me sharing my experiences. I'm looking forward to more progress in my life and thoughts, and am continually prepared to face the horrors that come to me. They are thoughts, after all, not actions.