Sex Addict on the Long Road to Recovery

This thread will be a journaling of my experiences as I go through a 12-step program for sex addiction. I use some graphic and suggestive language. I will also be posting several times each week.

Week 1 - Day 1

My name is Daniel, and I was recovering internet pornography addict, gone to recovering masturbation addict, and am now a recovering sex addict; this probably needs explanation. For the past 11 years, since around middle school, I have been struggling to understand my sexual impulses, kinks, and reactions. I was subject to my own experimentation, and as a result, have been clawing my way out of the crystallized reactions I solidified in myself. With the help of my fiancee and several years of a volatile dynamic in our relationship, I have been on a path to reverse-engineer the despair and rage I brought to fruition.
From my worst moments, I have become distant to my family, I have pushed away my fiancee, I have severed year-long friendships, and I have become recluse to escape the interaction of others. During these times, I was more than just an internet pornography addict; every step of the way, I needed something more intense and more shocking than the last experience just to feel good about myself for a solid fifteen minutes. I would create disgusting anal-copro oriented mantras to help give me the extra edge, I would find rationale and wonder in the kidnapping of pre-teen and teenage girls, and it brought me great pleasure to know that I was in a position of full control and power; something I had very little of in my actual day-to-day life.
My rock bottom days came to a close after my fiancee and I had a very dramatic fall out about a year ago; I made a faulty attempt to cut pornography out of my life. I lied almost every other day to my fiancee that I was not delving into porn. Then out of guilt, I would come to her to tell her of my relapse; sometimes days apart, sometimes months apart. Being that she was dealing with her own struggles, she could no longer take the pressure and lies and cheated on me. It would be many relapses after our confrontation and several months before I ceased to touch myself to young girls. It would only be five months from today in which I have seen any porn, two months since I’ve even used the internet for anyone but my fiancee, and only one month since I’ve individually gone into my fantasies. I’ve been making headway.
Since my recent lifestyle changes, I have noticed a plethora of differences in my outlook, perspective, and demeanor; all of which I would consider to be a good thing.
When I was at my worst, if I were to abstain, I would fall into a swirling spiral of despair and hopelessness. Nothing but an immense amount of rage or distraction would be the only way I could pull myself out of the slump. These days, I seem to skip the despair aspect of it and jump right into the ‘rage stage’; I find it easier to put a lid on my anger more so than pulling myself out of a depressive and suicidal thought pattern. Normally, I will find something constructive to do, like working out, job search, or homework; but, there are times, especially at night, when I feel trapped in my own skull. I can’t sleep because there are old thoughts rushing to me and my inability to silence them frustrates me beyond belief. I attempt to journal, read articles online, and play games on my phone; normally this helps, but I fall short from time to time and my fiancee and I will have to have a several hour talk just to get myself back to baseline.
Of the friendships I severed, I was only able to recover one; which retrospectively, I find to be a good experience. It showed me that you can get to know and love friends you've known for years, but during hard times, it’s the ones who stay around who really make a difference.
As far as my family interaction, we have a very strong bond and collective thought of unconditional love. We pick fights, we get under each others’ skin, and we ‘throw $#%^’ like apes; but, at the end of the day, we at least know that this stuff happens because we’re open about a lot of things in our lives. No one and nothing is perfect, but I couldn't ask for anything more from my family.
Of all of the biggest changes since my worst days, I've noticed in myself- in the outside world- a different person. I’m no longer in fear of potential confrontation or casual conversation with this cashier, or that server. If the guy behind me at the supermarket strikes up a conversation with me, I don’t find myself trying to grab at straws to dismiss him or cut the conversation short. In class, I normally sit in the front, but now I ask questions and do not fear the idea that I could be wrong, or that my inquiry would make me look foolish to the rest of my classmates. I have developed a strong sense of social confidence, because now I can look into the eyes of others without developing this sense of presence that I shouldn't be.
So here I am now, starting my real journey. I’m very rarely, in the scope of the bigger-picture, masturbating; but now, I get the same rage when I do not have sex. As such, I am beginning a 12-week program for sex addiction. This is peculiar to me, because as I was going over the different stages of the program, I found myself feeling that I have already accomplished several of the weekly goals. Regardless, I will go through every week with the understanding that one week is going to be extremely easy and the next could have potential of throwing myself back into a volatile pattern of thought. I am ready for the best, and prepared for the worst.

Welcome to the forum, Daniel. I wish you all the best with your journey. And think you're being highly sensible to take the 12 weeks as they come. Rather than trying to skip ahead or skimp on the work. This isn't easy. But the payoff for success is huge.

Thanks for the rally of support, Ada. I appreciate any help I can get. I'm a little late to this week's post, but emergency babysitting had to come first! Anyway, here goes:

Week 2 - Day 2

So, it's been a little longer than a week and I'm beginning to see changes across the board. My nights and mornings suck when I'm finally alone in my own head with a flood of fantasies keeping me wide awake. It's easier in the mornings because I can keep myself busy, but at night when my fiancée, Melissa, conks out for the night, these fantasies become waking nightmares. To not go into it too deeply, I dream of being with other people; most of the times, I stop myself before I get too far, but when I'm at the point of exhaustion, I go deeper than what I'm comfortable with these days.
But, because I've been opening up more with my sponsor (also, Melissa), I've really started to see how much I've used these fantasies to drown out my everyday stressors. It's terrifying that I've been so blind to my own inner workings, but at the same time, I've never felt more relieved. The one last thing that shakes me up is the nightmares disguised as dreams. I've had a dream this week where I've cheated on my fiancée with a teenaged girl. The entire time I had the dream, I felt elated and almost free, but the second I woke up I was afraid that what I had done was real. For a brief moment I felt at odds with another person hiding inside of me. I felt guilty and like a horrible person for letting myself get to such a point, but my fiancée was understanding and she helped me see beyond the horror I felt so I could move on with the rest of my day. I couldn't be happier to have such wonderful support from her and this online community. Future horrors aside, I look forward to more pep in my step and a happier outlook towards my own life.

P.S. this was done on my phone, so editing was a bit tougher for this week's post.

Sans Melissa and I, I've censored other people's names because I didn't ask them if I could make this week's post in their regards.

Week 3 - Day 2

I've been keeping up to snuff with my weekly posts on this forum. I think of all the people I've responded to, only one person seemed receptive to actually desiring any sort of change; but I suppose that's not something I really need to be worrying about.
Anyway, this past week was tough. I haven't noticed too many issues during the evening, but mornings have been ridiculously difficult to experience. Like just a few minutes ago before making this post. I was laying in bed, thinking about taking advantage of Melissa while she is sleeping, or going through her laundry to give myself some relief. I never took those steps and pulled myself out of bed, but I still have yesterday's workout still fresh on my mind: we were invited to join our friends at the gym they signed up for. They had a few guest passes, so we figured, "why not?". I was a bit concerned knowing that I was going to be surrounded by a ton of triggers (yoga pants/workout attire), but I knew as long as I kept in the moment and just anchored myself to conversation that it wouldn't affect me so much. Well, our group split off- Melissa went with her friend, C, and I worked out with her boyfriend, K. We all get along pretty well, but we had different routines we wanted to focus on- no big deal. So, K and I are working on legs, and he makes a sly observation to me about one of the other girls working out nearby. I've seen/heard this plenty of times before, so I humor him, but let him know that I don't mind if he talks that way;however, I told him that I'm on my 12 week SA program, and I have to back off on that type of talk/observations. He seemed understanding, but I was hoping that being open about it would help me get through the rest of our workout and keep me more focused. After this morning, I really don't feel like that was the case. It's almost as if though every single woman who passed in my view crystallized into my visual memory. I attempted to slow my thinking down and tried to relax in bed, but to no avail. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I had desires beyond my normal state of wanting, and worst of all I was finding excuses to leave Melissa. Fortunately, I did not cave to these 'morning horrors', but I don't exactly feel great on the inside. Sort of a, less-than-neutral feeling, which is especially disappointing considering how well I was sleeping.
So, that's the rough part of my experience for week 2 going into 3. As far as how everything else is going, I've managed to reconnect with an employer I had an opportunity with about a year and a half ago; due to some unforeseen circumstances, they no longer had the position available for me when it came time for me to work. Things are different now, they're owned by a different company- so cool. I gave them another shot, got the application filled out, took the tour of the office, and it seems like a pretty safe bet. I'm really excited about this, considering I've been doing independent work at an extremely intermittent level. There may be a very near point in my life where I will have stability in an entry level career position, but we'll see how it goes.
My personality has never been stronger, though I can be irritable at times. Disregarding my irritability, I have nothing to hide when speaking with complete strangers, I'm very forward when speaking with my friends (something I've been attempting to make part of my conversational way of speaking for years), and generally I'm cheerful without purpose. I like how I feel when I'm away from the horrors of my recovery.
Talking briefly about my irritability, I found this to also be helpful to me earlier this week, when my 'peculiar' ex-attourney neighbor came to speak with me. Rewind to a few months ago, I was helping him just learn the ropes on how to use a computer, turn it on, use a mouse and keyboard, access news on the web, and just before we ceased our cessions, how to find YouTube videos. So, it was a pretty easy-going endeavor, plus it was helping me figure out better ways to communicate technical jargon which was second hand to me in ways that my elderly neighbor had no concept of whatsoever. It was kind of nice having to go through the steps again; it was a sort of grounding experience. Anyway, we stopped having sessions because he wanted to, in exchange for less pay, teach me about law while I continue to help him with computers. I wasn't interested in doing so, and let him know that. At this point, I was beginning to grow uncomfortable with his presence, because he asks a lot of personal and probing questions, to which in most cases I wouldn't be bothered. However, he was beginning to solicit me about massages for my mother, and to not get too personal about it- he had no next of kin, but more stuffed animals in his house than I could ever feel comfortable around. So, fast forward to a week ago, and he approaches me while I'm cutting the lawn. We're speaking for a moment, and he was going to come to my family's house and ask why I wasn't helping with the lawn (which I was). He then starts telling me that I shouldn't use emotion when I'm going through the job market; Which again, I was only being honest with him when he asked questions and I told him so. Then he tells me he wants to discuss the unemployment market, it's history, and where it's going. My fuse is extremely short at this point, and I ask him to get to the point. He reiterates that he wants me to come over to his house once a week to discuss the previously mentioned matter, and I ask him if there is any pay to which he responds, "No, there's no money in this"- mind you, this man told me that he has a trust account with over $100,000 in assets. So, in a nutshell, I lose my top, I tell him that whatever perception he has of me and my family is skewed, that he has no place in telling me about what he feels is important for my unemployment status especially considering he's never seemed to work a hard day in his life, and that he is financially screwing me because he thinks my time can be wasted on such frivolous endeavors. I tell him I want nothing to do with it, I'm busy, and go back to mowing the lawn. Two days ago, I get an unmarked letter in my family's mailbox from him, basically saying that he feels bad about the job market (not what happened in our conversation), that he's been busy with selling properties out in the city, but that he feels I should still come out once a week to have these discussions with him. I promptly shredded the letter.

My whole point of bringing up the last bit was that I've never been able to hold such a conversation with someone I've barely known; that I felt right about everything I said to him, and I attribute my confidence to sticking to my 12 weeks. It's come with ups and downs, but I really enjoy the fighting spirit that seemed to be revived in me. It's been a really good feeling after I'm done yelling at this old creep, but most importantly, I see changes in me every single week. This was definitely one of them.

With yesterday's maintenance and another day of babysitting, it was impossible to make my post; but I'm still going on my path.

Week 4 - Day 2

I'd like to get the rough spots of my week out in the open. I fell short this week when Melissa and I went partially beyond my allotted sexual activities for the week. In a nutshell, I took advantage of Mel while she was sleeping. Granted, I stopped before I got too far and we talked for a very long time about it in the morning; it didn't make the situation feel any better. At the same time, it was eye-opening, because I was able to witness and experience my pitfalls from a perspective I've never taken the time to give myself. It gave me a very crystallized view of how vulnerable I can let myself be when placed in the right (or wrong in this case) conditions. This past experience also demonstrated the lack of control I have over my addiction, as was defined by myself in week 3's activity to create a contract to a higher power. Never once did I feel any sort of fallacy in making my contract, but I still wondered how I could fall to an external factor; well, I certainly got my answer. This will be a mistake I will not let myself run into, again. On another note, I have found myself at ends with some members of the community. It was almost reminiscent of arguments I've seen on sites like 4chan, the WoW community forums, and reddit. Because of this, I have found myself questioning the capacity for support others give on these forums; but I will not let a few bad apples ruin the bunch. My weekly journal post, and my optimism to help others see through their own struggles will remain consistent.

On the external side of my life, I still see my fighting spirit and my cooperative mannerisms helping pave way for conversations to last indeterminately; again something I have been attempting to establish since I was in my teens. I still slip up from time to time like I may say something a bit too brash, or something which buzzkills an argument, but I know and have demonstrated that it's more than possible to recover from.

Anyway, this week will be interesting; that job opportunity may have just become even greater as I made my call only to find out that there is a better position available. We'll see how that goes, but the original position is still in the bag regardless! As for my pitfalls, I now have a real bad experience to look back on to help me establish my own guidance as I continue along my path. I'm excited to see what unfolds this week.

What was it that made you finally take the plunge? I see that you went through a whirlwind of pain and torment, lies and guilt, and your tumultuous relationship with your fiancee. However, that alone doesn't stop us. We have to make that choice. Did you finally get tired of the cycle? Did addiction finally feel like imprisonment? I'm just wondering about your personal story. As with mine, I attend SA meetings and therapy, and I read the SA literature, but I haven't really fully surrendered to it. I've barely even committed to sexual abstinence of all kinds (I told myself I'd "try" it for a week and see if that would do anything). But in the end, physically abstaining isn't the only battle. It's mental, it's emotional. And even if I'm not having sex, there is a particular person at my work that sets me into that cycle. I seek his approval; I have non-sexual fantasies of just gaining his affection again, as I once had it. So I struggle with that, even if I'm physically "pure". Ah, it all feels so muddled right now.

Cohesive wrote:With yesterday's maintenance and another day of babysitting, it was impossible to make my post; but I'm still going on my path.

Week 4 - Day 2
This past experience also demonstrated the lack of control I have over my addiction, as was defined by myself in week 3's activity to create a contract to a higher power. Never once did I feel any sort of fallacy in making my contract, but I still wondered how I could fall to an external factor; well, I certainly got my answer. This will be a mistake I will not let myself run into, again. On another note, I have found myself at ends with some members of the community. It was almost reminiscent of arguments I've seen on sites like 4chan, the WoW community forums, and reddit. Because of this, I have found myself questioning the capacity for support others give on these forums; but I will not let a few bad apples ruin the bunch. My weekly journal post, and my optimism to help others see through their own struggles will remain consistent.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the book by John Bradshaw titled "Family." It was based on a PBS series called "On the Family." He is a fascinating speaker and the series is on YouTube if you want to check it out. He talks a lot about what causes most addictions and why many of us have "addictive personalities" in that we often go from one addiction to another one. What's really behind most addictions is surprising and once you know, you can begin to escape the loop.

My best wishes go out to you and Melissa as you grow in spirit.

Queendopamine,

To answer your questions, there was never really one event that made me want to go through with my 12-week program. My fallout with Melissa began the journey about a year ago, where I have been attempting to limit what I chose to masturbate to- not only by what I viewed, but also what I thought about. If I couldn't achieve orgasm without any stimulus we considered at the time to be harmful, then I would make my best attempt to simply not masturbate.
During this point of my life, there was no structure to what I limited, and as a result had many relapses to some of the most harmful stimuli. That being said, over several months there was a complete omission in masturbating to girls, and the frequency I used pornography dropped dramatically up until only a few months ago in which I have ceased it. There was still a lot of lies throughout, but I was no longer holding in anything from her in the ways prior to our fallout.
After no longer relying on these external stimulus, I found a new issue which surfaced. Melissa and I were having sex (great sex at that), but any time that she declined, which was for understandable reasons, I would throw mostly internal, but also external temper tantrums. I would ignore her, or not be affectionate towards her; I would have a very short fuse about any sort of mistake that she made, and made an effort to pick her out. When she and I both recognized the change in me, it led to talks which lasted for several weeks. These tantrums I was throwing went completely under my radar, and I felt like I was fine and everything was normal; but after having repeated arguments, I realized that I really wasn't myself and I was hurting her in the process. I was becoming aggressive for sex in a way I recognized from when I was hooked on that synthetic marijuana crap (which I have been off for years, now); the cravings, the irritation, the short-fuse, distancing myself. I realized that I was still hooked to sexual pleasure as an escape.
The weeks prior to me starting my program was talks about how I was considering a 12-week program for sex addiction, and just talking about it with Melissa on and off for these weeks led to the morning of my first post on the forum. I had intention of starting a few days later, but I had an awful night with Melissa and we were arguing about sex once again. I went into a rage and she had to wrestle me to shake me awake, mind you she had an interview to attend in the morning and we were up for hours in the night talking after my blowup. I got up before her in the morning and did some private journaling which helped me realize that I could no longer wait to start my program. Melissa already compiled a bunch of websites, this forum included, and had structured a program for me. All I did was make my post for the week, I waited for her to wake up, and we talked about it before she went to her interview. It was a long period of struggling after our shared rock-bottom, but I have been on the program since and have been facing my struggles, but have also returned to a comfortable level I haven't experienced since my childhood. I did feel trapped in my own head for many years, but I have recently felt free; I have dreams again and I feel comfortable in my own skin.
I understand everything you say. The physical aspect is arguably the easiest for me to overcome, it is the very mixed emotional and mental screenplay I set for myself which is the most difficult. The structure has helped me more than anything to move beyond that which I feel no control over. As far as the thoughts, just as you must keep yourself physically occupied, you must also find mental and emotional occupation. Since my program, I have discovered that my eyes have the most dangerous power over my thoughts. Not only do I accidentally glance, but I also began to realize that I intentionally glance at other women; I spoke to Melissa about this, and she helped me discover that it was my curiosity which made me want to glance in the first place. She wanted me to ask myself during these situations how I would feel if it were her having these thoughts about other men. I never once considered that until our conversation. So now I have a new struggle beyond controlling my thoughts; to me, nothing nor anyone can be as interesting and attractive as my own fiancee. I ask myself, "Why bother looking? You will accomplish nothing. Just focus on what's in front of you, that is more important." Believe me when I say that it isn't easy, and it hasn't been easy; but it is slowly becoming second nature. I hope my personal wall of text offers you some sort of answer to your questions. Expect the muddled feelings, they will not disappear easily; but know that you can rid yourself of them, just keep giving yourself the patience to know that it is possible.


Professer,

Thank you for the resources! I will get back to you once I've seen some of the videos; and it's not surprising to me that we can bounce from one addiction to another. It's because I've seen myself behaving the same way (negatively) towards different experiences and stimulus in my life that helped me want to see my program through. I can't say I've completely gotten to the bottom of my addictions, but there are many pieces being put together each day, and each piece brings me peace- rhyme not intended!



As for my previous post, I made a comment about my doubts of the community; I was proven wrong today and I couldn't be happier. Thank you both for your support; you lifted a burdening concern on my shoulders, and I will continue posting my weekly journal post each week in full confidence.

Week 5 - Day 3

I was hoping to watch the series suggested to me earlier, but I've been so caught up with what's going on in my immediate surroundings that I really haven't given myself the time to post.

I'm really stressed. I'm in a lot of pain from these awful mouth ulcers and the swollen lymph nodes and headaches that come with them. Not to mention that I'm extremely upset at how much my potential employer is stringing me along. I've been persistent, cordial, friendly, and knowledgeable about this position, but my past experience with this company was a complete folley. They'll get one more week of waiting from me before I search for another job, but it's plenty discouraging when I have been searching for months to find a relevant entry level career in a job market which is hardly IT friendly. To make matters worse, I can't even get a call back for a dishwasher or pizza delivery job. I know I'm capable and more than skilled to get this work, but the whole thing is external. I have tendencies because of these stresses to delve into my addictive fantasies, but I'm keeping strong. It's been insanely difficult, but I won't let myself down when I have my fiancée, my family, and this community supporting me.

I’ve never met a sex addict who is happy with the fact that it takes time to recovery from sex addiction and it won’t happen overnight. The sex addict is so used to instant gratification in their disease. Whatever their “acting out” behavior or habits, they get instant gratification and release by achieving orgasm. So when told they have to work a program of recovery and it could take years…they often think, well it won’t take me that long…
The road to recovery from sex addiction is long and difficult. There are many reasons why people recovering from the addiction relapse. Relapse, however, shouldn’t be viewed as a sign of failure or weakness. The important thing for recovering sex addicts to remember is recovery is a process not an activity. It took a long time to get where you are and when in recovery, you need all of the support and help you can get.