Can there be MANY definitions for Sexual addiction?

Hi, I'm Coloradoclownfish!

I've been married for 19 years in October. The biggest problem we've had in all these years is his constant need for sex. He says..."I can have sex four times a day and still not be satisified!" Needless to say it's hard to keep up with everyday much less four times a day. If we skip a day he's okay, then another day he's a little distant, another day he's getting grumpy, another and he's cold, another and he's mean, etc, etc, until he's very mean. By mean I mean unaffectionate, withholds money, rude, cranky, puts on a better than you stance......

I have often wondered if his is some form of sexual addiction. I know he masterbates at his office (he has a small apt in the basement) and he does this a lot. He has a lot of porn there too.

He went to a counselor once when things in our marriage revolving around this issue got really bad. He told the male counselor that he likes sex a lot and I don't. The counselor toldhim he was perfectly normal.

Obviously he can't get help...if that's what he needs, if he's not honest.

I am forty now. I'm reaching a time in my life when I am tired of worrying about his happiness..or rather that his happiness depends on MY body.

I'd love some feed back on this, but it does seem that this forum doesn't get much interest. That's a shame. I read a few of the replies to others and they were so solid and warm.

Coloradoclownfish

Hi CO-clownfish,
I'm sorry you are having problems with your husband. Not sure I can give you any answers either, but here are some thoughts...

It seems your husband does have some issues, but I'm not sure it is sexual addiction... I think SA is more destructive, for example if he spends so much time/energy on pornography that he neglects his relationship with you, or lets his work suffer, etc. I think there as also a cycle of guilt that goes along with SA, that causes stress which drives the person to act on their addiction, which causes more guilt, etc.

Do you get the feeling that if you (hypothetically) were willing and able to have sex with him as often as he would like, that he would be happy? If your answer is yes, then I think it's just that he has an unusually high sex drive. In principle, this is an issue that could be worked out... (for example, by giving him your blessing to get release from pornography/masturbation when you don't have it in you to get intimate... you didn't say how you feel about him doing that, or if it is a source of tension in your relationship)

The real problem may be that he seems to be manipulative or passive-agressive when he doesn't get what he wants. Assuming that this behavior is not due to some underlying personality disorder, it is something that could probably be ameliorated with counseling (you may have better luck convincing him to go for counseling if you focus on this issue rather than the sex).

Good luck to you....

Wow...The more I read, the more I wonder if I might not have an issue with this. I believe it is a subconcious feeling/response, but one that seems to apply to those of us that like physical contact to compensate for the emotional "contact" that we miss. Communication is such an important part of any relationship, that we find ourselves compensating in other ways...

My husband is the same exact way. Except luckily, he is satisfied in having sex 2 times a week now. Finally, I got him weaned off..lol. I wish it were once a month. I enjoy sex, but not when it seems necessary to keep him in a good mood. He gets downright mean and crappy if he goes without it for over a week. I give in just to put him in a better mood.
You know, a little romance from him wouldnt hurt either.
He wants the sex, but does not want to put in the effort to be romantic. But he thinks I have the problem with intimacy.
Which I do...but his actions dont help the situation.
Most men (sorry guys) need sexual intimacy to feel close, whereas women need communication and romance to feel close.
We are opposites. It sucks. I would love to switch bodies with him for awhile just to see what he feels.
I always feel like the mean guy. I am always saying NO...knock it off. He wants to cuddle, but I cant even do that with him...as it always leads to sex. ALWAYS. That is him only goal. I no longer dress sexy...or even try to please him. I am sick of it. It is never ending. I have thought of leaving him often. Leaving men in general. He is a wonderful man though and that is why I stay.
But damn, sometimes it gets so repetitous and my best way to describe it is invasive. It is my body and he thinks it is his. I just want to be left alone sometimes for weeks. To me it is not the quantity but the quality.
I am sure I didnt help you any..lol....just ranting.
Donna

Sorry about not replying directly to the topic but I feel strongly about "Guest's" comment below and wanted to reply.

she wrote: "Most men (sorry guys) need sexual intimacy to feel close, whereas women need communication and romance to feel close. We are opposites. It sucks. "

Sucks hardly describes it....I think it is a tragedy, one of the great mistakes of evolution that has made sexual relations between the sexes a nightmare and ruined countless marriages. Sex should be fun. Just the fact that two people are together and like each other enough to have sex should be enough. But women insist on itimacy, closeness and macho performance putting untold stresses on men who just want to get off and feel good.

It's too late for me as I'm over 40 but I must say what I'm hearing about teens today does offer a glimmer of hope. The "###$ buddy" system that many teens are into these days hopefully means that young women are finally breaking the age old mold and beginning to enjoy both sex and friendship without demanding absoloute fidelity and the so called intimacy that that is supposed to bring. Which by the way is something few teen boys are going to provide anyway even if they even know what it is.

in regard to what you had to say Wish I was 17 again, i wish that was the case for me and im sure im not the only woman who feels like this. i feel as though my sex drive and sex/relationship needs are exactly like a mans. i dont understand it when you talk about what women need vs. men. i understand what you are saying, but it just doesnt apply to me just as a mans needs doesnt apply to you and other women. im straight.im 30. ive been like this my whole sex life. ill have to say that i could probably deal with what most women want compared to men because to be honest its hell for me sometimes. i actually tell myself sometimes, that ga i act like a man when it comes to sex. i can actually sympathize with mens needs in the matter of the heart and sex just as you sympathize with women who feel like you do. ive just never talked to another women who feels like this but i am sure and hope that there are some out there.it can be very detrimental to things and sabatoging fo me without being on purpose. are there any other women that feel like this?

Donna,

My heart almost dropped when I just read your response because it sounded just like the words coming from my wife a few years ago. I know she felt exactly the same as you. We've discussed this issue often enough but we are still struggling to find the best solution. In the mean time I will explain what actions I've taken to make things better in our marriage.

At one point in our marriage we were VERY close to divorce when my wife explained that under no circumstance did she ever want to find out if I have cheated on her, but to do what ever I needed just to give her some space in the bedroom. Since then I began to cheat on my wife but have done it VERY discreetly so it never interferes with family time and she has no knowledge of it.

We now have sex about 2 times a week and I no longer get grumpy when she withholds sex. I make extra efforts to send her e-cards and flowers on random days and write sexy notes with bar soap on the mirror in the bathroom from time to time. I make extra efforts to tidy up around the house so she doesn't feel exhausted at the end of the day.

I've drastically cut back on groping her, I limit myself to 2-3 gropes a day and spend the rest of the time undressing her with my eyes. I recall that I had to stop counting after 30 gropes on the first day when I started counting how many times I would grope my wife per day. I've since encouraged her to grope me and she tries, though she still comes short in my grope satisfaction department... I also have made special attempts to request to touch her in "certain places" before just simply treating her body as if I owned it. Another thing I do now is apply "soft groping" techniques by slightly brushing up against her, butt to butt etc...

We give each other a 30 second hug while gazing into each others eyes EVERY DAY without talking or any disruption. What makes things interesting is if you can practice this exercise when you first greet each other after work, but not saying anything to each other until after the 30 seconds are up, because you are trying to use your eyes to communicate how your day went. Sometimes there is a level of intense intimacy that grows which may help seed your sexual appetite.

I've learned to cuddle without getting an erection so she doesn't feel forced into having sex. This was a difficult task and it took almost a year to master, but after weekly visits at titty bars, I eventually became "desensitized" from the touches of a woman as she bumps and grinds her body on me. Some cities have both male and female strippers present so that couples can enjoy themselves seperately and without fear of the other being left out; not to mention both being horny afterwards to jump each others bones as soon as you get home.

Since everything is always a mystery with my wife, I've found a sex surrogate (classy prostitute) who has taught me what she likes in bed. Not every move seems to go well with my wife, but she does like it when I try new things to get her out of the rut. Visiting the surrogate has also helped maintain a steady balance for my sexual needs and she ALWAYS answers any sexual question that I may have on how to please a woman. It's very difficult for a man to know how much pressure to apply and exactly where unless you tell him. If you are NOT comfortable with allowing your husband to see a surrogate by himself, then I recommend "couples" therapy. The surrogate is present while you and your husband engage in sexual encounters and she will coach him with certain techniques on your body. In fact you may learn things about your body that you didn't know before.

Although I continue to cheat on my wife in order to maintain my sexual needs, our marriage has never been better.